A paraprosdokian is a phrase with an unexpected ending. Some of these are clever… Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Ø Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Ø If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong. Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Ø Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Ø Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it. Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If anemergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. Ø I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?” Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,but check when you say the paint is wet? Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were. Ø Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. Ø I always take life with a grain of salt,…plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. Ø You’re never too old to learn something stupid. Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Ø Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.