Todays funnies


Paraprosdokians(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

  1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

  5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

  11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .

  12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

  14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.

  16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

  17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.


I particularly like number 11

Trying to think of one … entailed sitting here staring into thin air for a while… and then forgot what I was meant to be thinking about… the wonderful world of MS.

Are you watching ‘Beck’ Don? (Saturday nights, BBC4).

Pat xx

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No not seen it maybe iPlayer it tomorrow, I don’t know why I haven’t

I often stare into space and the forget about why ore even if I am looking for something


Thanks Don. A chuckle is always a good way to start the day. No. 3 is a good one. I’ve never been good at jokes. It’s the way I tell em…


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Hilarious don, laughed at each and every one but nr 6 makes you think. Hope you are tickedy boo xx

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Michelle x

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A woman walks into a bar and orders an Innuendo, so the barman gives her one… (can I say that one on here ? :wink: )

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To late you just did, I doubt anyone will ever notice

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Thanks for them Don. I have really enjoyed those, and well done with that really long word telling us what they are. Now can you explain how to pronounce it? I like 12, but 11 really made me laugh. I have loads of fridge magnets with sayings like them on, will add a few

  1. One in four people are unbalanced. Think of three friends and if they’re okay, you’re the one.

  2. Your village called, their idiot’s missing. Could you go home?

  3. Make yourself at home, clean the kitchen.

  4. My family tree is full of nuts.

  5. I still miss my ex but my aim is improving.

  6. With middle age a broad mind and narrow waist exchange places.

  7. It’s hard to feel fit as a fiddle when you’re shaped like a cello.

  8. All visitors make me happy, some when they arrive, others when they leave.

Sorry that’s all I can think of without getting up.

Take care everyone.

Cath x


I often Quote no.5 and yes no.8 is so true

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I love these Don- great stuff.

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If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

a friend in need is a bloody nuisance ( not sure this counts but have always liked this) xx