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over sensitive and not being able to tell people your hurt

Everyday living
#1

I feel I have become very sensitive though my youngest son says no, but is it wrong to walk away from so called friends who upset you and place you in situations that you feel uncomfortable.

Every year for the last 15 we have been going away for weekends with friends that my husband had before we met. Each couple taking turns , on where to book, we always picked hotels, one of the couples like to go and book houses where everyone cooks my idea of a nightmare, this happened last year and we ended up in the house from hell on a hill ,heating didn't work and the pub was at the top of a steep hill, to make matters worse we had our 25th wedding anniversay last year and they turned up with not so much as a card, made a joke about forgetting their gift , after the weekend away I requested  that we stopped the weekends away as my health couldn't take it hubby agreed but was unwilling to mention to the couple why, they also don't have any money worries and he has gone on to part time work as he doesn't need the money so he says

I have no problem with  hubby going on  boys weekends away but i have had enough, the couple are now comimg up to my home town and they want to go out, I have declined, but feel if i had guts i could have nipped this in the bud years ago, but tried to brush their jibes off, now with MS I ssem to be oversensitive, and when I am in their company i get anzious.

Sorry for the rant but have spoken to a councillor about this relationship and she is under the impression that they are blanking that i am struggling to walk and stay alert, which is obvious to my family and friends.

Apologies for the rant, and going anon but feel it would be better if i had guts but why do people just ignore the obviousand is it better just to walk away life to short and all of that

 

 

#2

Hmmm, part of your anxiety may be to do with your feelings towards this couple who don't really seem to be treating you and your husband as friends.  There is an elephant in the room, and I think you'll feel better if you get your thoughts out in the open - at least you can then discuss things with this couple and if it means that you are no longer friends, then at least the reasons for it will be known.

I don't think you're being oversensitive, you're just realising that these people have not been healthy to be around - they forgot your silver wedding!  I have made a new year's resolution to be more assertive and to stop letting people take advantage of my good nature - mainly because I'm tired of being walked all over.  Perhaps you should try this too?

Good luck

Luisa x

#3

If they were true friends they wouldn't treat you in this way, and no you're not over reacting. MS is a struggle in itself without other people adding to it. Make new friends who are true friends that understand what you can and can't do.

 

Janet x

#4

Just don't do what I do  - i.e. fail to TELL people, clear and plain, how I struggle  ..... and then feel hurt because it turns out they're not mind-readers!

It is perfectly possible that they have absolutely no idea how things are for you. People can be remarkably thick about not picking up how dificult things are, even if we think it is completely bleedin' obvious.   You really do need to spell it out.  I am totally terrible at doing this.  If you find the secret, please let me know!

Alison

x

 

#5

Sorry Alison - I did have to laugh at this!

Yep, of course able-bodied people who don't have to deal with this on a daily basis, and don't live with us at close-quarters, can't be expected to know what we can and can't do.

I don't think most "normal" people are even going to consider: "The pub is on a hill; I wonder if it will be a problem?"  Not because they're heartless, but because they have no experience of having to think about things like that!

I reckon there are only a few choices in these circumstances:

  • Go along anyway, and just do the bits you can manage, even if it means sitting out some things - it's not fair to restrict a mixed group only to "disability friendly" activities.
  • Don't go, but at least explain why: "I think that location is too hilly for me", "I don't think I am up to spending an evening in the kitchen", or whatever.  This might result in a change of plan, or they might suggest Option 1 anyway: "Come along, but just do whatever you can manage".
  • Don't go, but don't explain why.  Then sit and fume that they couldn't work it out for themselves, and bemoan that you don't have any friends.

I'd be in favour of going anyway, but take a good book for times the others all want to do something (like cooking, or cliff walk) that isn't going to be my scene.  I wouldn't want to stop them doing stuff they like, but I wouldn't want to cut them off as friends, either.  So I think there has to be give-and-take on both sides.

Tina

x

#6

hi anon

 

if i were you i wouldnt go again, they're not really your friends they're just people you know.   no friend would forget such a big anniversary

i would think that even if you explained to them your problems they still wouldnt get it!

my partner is very outgoing whereas im reserved and only have friends that i can genuinely trust,  but throughout our relationship (26 years) we have done our own thing.  he used to go out at least twice a week whereas i preferred to be doing things at home and only went out with friends occasionally.  its only in the last couple of years that we have come together really and although we still have different friends he chooses to spend his free time at home with me.

 

i always told him to carry on with his social life and so he never felt trapped or anything like that, although i dread to think what they thought of me because i never turned up at party's etc but although their opinion would have hurt me it wouldnt have changed me as if i didnt feel comfortable in their company.

i always made excuses that i was ill etc and eventually they accepted it but didnt take offence.

i would think it makes you anxious when you are discussing it and again when the time gets closer to go and yet again when you are actually in their company.

im pretty much like you and dont always like to speak up but i think you have to, your hubby's obviously not bothered about going or he would have said so but he too is finding it hard to tell them ?  so its not just you,  is it?

they sound like the type of people who dont actually listen and if you gave them an excuse for not going they would goad you until you had changed your mind..

 

i might be wrong but you dont seem to be the type of person who needs someone shallow like that in your life, ok you may feel bad about being truthful with them but you should also feel relieved that you have stood up for yourself.  you could just  say that its nothing personal but that its been difficult for you  just to maintain every day life and that you've felt it hard going to trying to stay upbeat and socialise normally because of your condition.

i think they would probably take offence but you need to be prepared for that.

i hope it all works out for you

 

mandy xxx

#7

thanks for all your assistance on this matter, have told them we are not going by email this is how they also communicate, and have decided that they would have to be blind not to see I was struggling, the 25th did annoy me but this was partly due to the fact that i forgot to put a stamp on their christmas card, they dont believe in christmas either so somethimes thought why do i send them a card, anyway he started beleating about the stamp price plus the extra £1 for collecting it. handed the money over, which he took, but vowed then that was the last of the christmas cards. I am no longer beating myself up about this i have enough on my plate I have friends who are really good and i will be spending my precious time with them from now on happy2