Hi I am Janice and been a member on here from before I was dz with ms, which was 2008.
But I admit i do not visit page as often as I should.
My life for past 5 yrs has been one struggle after another, not only with my health but family troubles as well.
5 yrs ago mum became ill and was dz with a large brain tumour, which was removed successfully after a 10 hour operation ,But just 14 months later mum had a large stroke, mum was in hospital 5 months and sadly while mum was in hospital dad was dz with cancer,
My brother and sister took dad to his app and scans together, but on 11/4/2012 I was told it was my turn to take him, so was sent just me and dad, I remember the date because it was mums birthday, the outcome of this app was I was on my own with dad to be told dads cancer was terminal and had 12 weeks to live, maybe he would get until xmas with chemo.
I do not know to this day how I got home without falling apart not even knowing what to say to my dad.My dad somehow seemed fine or he had blocked out what he had been told.
Dad started chemo just 4 days later and within a week my dad faded from this big strong man to a man in constant chronic pain and sleeping most of the time.
Mum was home by now and had careers in to do for her 4 times a day and I was there every day.
Dad had chemo twice and he got very very ill so eventually he admitted to our small local hospital so it became going to see mum at home then visit dad in hospital.
At the beginning of July 2012 my brother even though he had asked and was told by doctors that it was not a good idea to go as my dad might not survive till he came home. My brother went off abroad with his wife and kids,
This was a Sunday the very day after my brother left to go on holiday,
On the Monday slipped into sleeping all the time, and was moved to a private room so my sister, my very pregnant daughter and myself spent every day from morning before hospital opened till 10 pm after hospital was closed sitting with dad,they provided us with a small room with chairs a tv and a shower so we could take a break from sitting in dads room.
We sat with dad , Wimbledon was on at the time so we chatted to him about the tennis, started playing him his favourite music or just being with him holding his hand, he was in a great deal of pain and woke a few times to ask for pain control.
We sat all week every day with dad but by the Saturday 11 th July we were all so very tired and was a local gala day in our village so we said we would have one day off.
But something for some unknown reason the 3 of us did not feel right and could not settle so that made us go visit dad for approx 4 hrs.
On the Sunday morning my brother due home late at night but had a drive from Manchester up home had still never even called once during his holiday to ask how dad was.
So we all got up later than usual on that Sunday and were going over to be with dad at 1pm. At 11:30 my daughter called me to say she had called the hospital earlier and dad was still the same so I decided to go for a shower then we would drive to visit, got in the shower and as I got out at 12:15, just as the phone rang ,for some reason I had taken phone to bathroom with me,
It was my daughter to say hospital had called to tell us Dad had died at 12:10 pm.
I quickly got dressed and my brother in law took my sister ,daughter and me with wet hair and all went to hospital,
I remember walking in to that room and seeing my dad lying there, cold and still.
We spent the next hour with my dad my together and then separately just talking to him my husband visited, but I felt so so guilty dad had died alone and I felt dead inside as I could not even cry.
But my one thing I cannot and will never get over or forgive myself for is on the Saturday before we left I kissed dad , held his hand and told him if he needed to sleep it was ok now just to do that and if he felt he had to go it was fine, kissed him and left, I to this day feel and have always felt guilty I gave my permission for my dad to die,although I wanted him to be well again.
When my brother came home he was very upset but stepped in an my sister and him arranged the funeral, everything, I was not once asked what I wanted for dad.
Well as time has gone passed my brother started to call me lazy and I did nothing to help mum, which was untrue but I myself had my by this time my husband as my career. My sister joined in and itās been 3 years now since my brother disowned me calling me all sorts, then sister did the same. I have asked what I have done but never got an answer.
I have struggled since then with depression,anxiety self hatred and self harm.
Since I was dz with ms my so called husband treats me more like his sister than his wife, I am left with no friends and no family, well I have my daughter and grandchildren but they took my sisters side over her disowning me but at least they were still in my life.so slowly all of this has been getting me more and more down,
I am not sleeping most nights even with sleeping meds, I got 2 hours last night as my body is either really itchy or burning, but always in chronic pain, no one seems to understand how much pain my body is in, I am not lazy I just cannot do what they can.
But recently my brother was dz with ms too but guess what heās in pain and tired and itās such a shame for him having this terrible incurable illness, but not once have any of my so called syblings apologised to me as I was dz in 2008.
But karma does get some of us, believe it or not I have tried to call to see if I can help my brother and ask how he is but been told to fā¦k off bā¦ch.
I am at my wits end not once did I complain trying to keep up with them all these years but I am still the bad one,the black sheep, and my husbands never touched me since I was dz, I feel so so alone and miss my dad so much , and mum too as mum now is bed bound due to a bad fall and dementia, but yes I am still the lazy one who does nothing, my motability is not good and I have a motability car, but my husband has everyone told he bought it,and tells me who I can take in it and when I use it.
I do not know how much longer itās gonna be before I have a breakdown all together, my husband has a long weekend in Ireland every year but when I mentioned I would love a few days to relax at a spa I got laughed at and said whoās gonna pay that and get you there,
He is right cause I have no savings and would not be able to do this on my own. He said I will sit you in the shower for an hour, then you can lie in bed, so thatās my spa breakā¦
So so sorry to everyone or even anyone if they have got to the end of this message what became a novel, but needed to vent to some people who might understand what I am on about. Thanks j
But I have edited this message an am going to add what is going on in my life right now that prompted me to write this post as I am frightened and tired and in sooo much pain and in need of some friends.
Well my now 29 yr old daughter who has been through a horrible life herself and I blame myself for not being able to keep her safe.
At the age of 10 she was abused by a stranger, but he was caught and ended in a court case, where my daughter had to stand in front of him and give evidence, there was another wee girl too, but before she was called to give evidence,the man changed his plee to guilty and received a fine of Ā£ 200 by my daughter got no more help.
Time moved on and I remarried my now husband, but one night when my daughter was 18 ,she was raped by at the time a friend, She was examined and it proved rape , but her friend this boy said she consented and as it was just his word against his the case was dismissed, 40 weeks later my daughter gave birth to my first beautiful grandaughter.
she then went on to have another wee girl and then met her husband to be , they were together 5 years and had had my grandson,The baby who was born 3 weeks after dad died.
well they married in november 2013, he changed and kept picking fights with her,walking out on her back to his mum, then promising he had changed she would take him back,p.
Well 3 weeks ago he walked out again but this time was different, he smashed up my daughters home broke all the kids toys , dumped all their clothes in one room and did some horrible things to them, he did the toilet on them , pored paint on them, put dogs muck on them.
My daughter came to me crying he had also sexually abused, my daughter suffers a back problem and takes sleeping meds , so one night she woke up to find him pleasuring himself while he had his fingers inside my daughter, this to her know large happened 5 times but is unsure if it happened while she has taken her sleeping meds, their son was in bed beside them at the time.
Police and social work are now involved as its come out he has hit my grandaughter with a Hoover tube.
He has been arrested on a lesser charge breach of the peace, and has now been bailed until the time when they have all the evidence together before the arrest him. We have all given statements to police.But yesterday out of no where my 10 yr old grandaughter told my son my daughters husband had grabbed her private parts one day then just walked away , she says she did not understand this was wrong, we are waiting for police to come out yet again.
I have been trying along with my sister to fix up my daughters house, and have been asking friends if the have any furniture as he has destroyed her home totally.
I have been for the past few weeks helping in house as my daughter fell and has torn the ligaments in her knee, my sister works and still need to make time for my family and my mum.
Have been taking kids to school,cleaning her home,and taking her to physio, and forgetting to look after myself.
I am now burned out and could not even get out of bed this morning,I am a physical and mentally burned out but still she needs me and I feel so so guilty that I could not keep her safe.
I have been seeing a coucellor but sheās been on holiday for past 3 weeks so have not been able to talk to her about this.I just need a friend to talk to, to understand that I feel as if I cannot go on,someone to help m
this is an updated post of my last one as I wrote last one in tears and with no paragraphs, so hopefully will be easier to read
it is 4 yrs 6 weeks today since I lost my dad, and I need him so much right one,I miss him so.
janice