my wifes lack of interest


My wife was diagnosed with r and r ms 32yrs ago, but since the neurologist took her off her rebif she has gone downhill ever since.She now has secondary progressive, her short term memory has gone, she cannot walk and is incontinent, the worse thing though is that she doesnt want cuddles or anything to do with me in that way she is 55 is this normal to lose all her libido.

many thanks


Hi Gaz, I think that your wife’s reaction to intimacy has little to do with MS or medication. Most women in her situation would feel very unattractive and it’s her self confidence that is the victim here. You may have an uphill struggle to get it back. However, it would be helpful to hear from the perspective of the ladies on the forum. Best wishes, Anthony

I don’t suppose the indignity of incontinence is helping bless her! or the fact she is unable to walk! You may want to take a step back & put yourself in her position, very hard to feel sexy when faced with such problems, you could try making her feel important & loved, it’s not all about the sex you know!!! is it the worst thing for her, or you?

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sometimes when my husband gives me a cuddle it sets off my nerve pain.

his arm is very heavy so if he falls asleep with his arm over me, it’s like getting crushed.

after reading your original post again, you specifically mentioned cuddles.

the feeling of physical closeness can be wonderful.

ask her if she still doesn’t want you to cuddle her and why not?

ask if it’s painful.

but do all this asking tactfully.

and yes to anthony (albrecht durer) lack of self confidence is the biggest turn off.

tell her she is still attractive to you.

if she still doesn’t want cuddles then you may have to let it go.

be kind to yourself.

carole x

Hi Gaz

I think there are several issues here. One is the mental self image. If you don’t feel sexy then you won’t want sex. And of course incontinence is a factor that makes people, men and women, often feel completely unattractive and totally sexless.

Then there’s the loss of sensation. If you’ve lost any feeling ‘downstairs’ (so to speak), then you probably won’t want sex.

If on the other hand you’ve become super sensitive, then being touched could be horrible. (Even by your beloved husband!) This could also apply to being touched/cuddled.

And if you have a combination of not feeling like you are sexy, plus having little or too much sensation, then sex is the last thing you want.

Theres also the fact that everything has changed. I remember saying to my OH that having sex with me would be like shag*ing a blow up doll. Because I have no feeling down there. And I have very little interest in being moved into position only to feel nothing, become overheated, and essentially get no pleasure from it.

Is it possible that your wife associates being cuddled as a prelude to sex? Maybe it’s a case of reassuring her that sometimes a cuddle is simply an affectionate cuddle. And that she’s just as nice to cuddle as she ever was.

I do hope you can start talking about physical closeness again.


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I think all the above replies hit the nail on the head. Incontinence, pain, lack of self confidence. All problems where sex is concerned. However sad it may seem, things have changed for her and for you. If you could come to understand that it would help you both. But you can find ways to still be close. Just different ways.

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