Hi I was with my GF for 6 months and we both fell for eachother. But a couple of weeks ago my GF broke up the relationship as she felt that she needed a break from us as her ms has made her a really crap girlfriend over the last few months (her words not mine) and not true atall. She has said that she is constantly exhausted and needs to sleep etc. As someone with limited understanding of MS I am struggling to come to terms with this and what I can do to help her. I have explained that I love her for her. She is amazing to me in every way. How do I support her and also let her know I’m there for her xxx Jamie
Oh dear, we’ve had a few posts of this kind lately, and I don’t think you’re going to get the kind of answers you are hoping to hear - not from the folks with MS, anyway.
The problem, as painful as it may be, is that at the moment, she does not want you to be “there for her” - she has said she needs a break. So I can only suggest you respect her wishes. Telling someone who’s said they need a break how much you want to be there for them isn’t likely to make them suddenly realise they’re making a terrible mistake. It’s more likely to make them feel trapped and suffocated than to win them back.
So if you tell her anything at all, tell her you will respect her wishes, and not keep contacting her unless she makes clear she would like that.
I hesitate to say MS makes no difference, as of course it does…to everything. But in affairs of the heart, perhaps not as much as you might think. If your gf didn’t have MS, and said she needed a break, wouldn’t you have to accept that at face value? Does being ill mean she has less right to choose?
I’m also aware that advising: “Sit tight and wait for her to whistle” might sound like I’m advising you to act like like a doormat - that she alone gets to decide whether this relationship goes ahead or not, and you just have to sit there and await her decision. That’s true, up to a point, but I don’t suggest you put your life on hold over it. I’m not going to suggest dating other people, because clearly, it’s her you want, so you wouldn’t really enjoy that, and it probably wouldn’t be fair on the other people. But I do think you should lead a full life and keep yourself in circulation - not stop everything to wait for the answer.
If it’s meant to be, it will be, but supporting someone with MS doesn’t start by refusing to accept it if they say they need time apart. The first step is listening to what they say they need, and trying to make sure they get it - as long as it’s reasonable. I’m not saying being ill is an excuse to act like a right diva, but it’s not an excuse for others not to listen, either. If she says she wants time apart, you have to assume that is her real wish, and not “the illness talking”, or some such thing.
All the best, whatever happens.
Tina
x
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It sounds as though you have already let her know that you want to stay together and that you would like to support her if she’ll let you. Nothing more you can do, I’m afraid.
If she is just embarrassed and fed up about MS making her a useless GF, you can be sure that she’ll be in touch when she thinks things over and sees that you care for her anyway. If she actually just wants to end the relationship then you won’t be hearing from her. It’s awfully hard, but there really isn’t much you can do but wait, I don’t think.
Good luck.
Alison
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hi jamie
just want to say you won’t always feel so lost.
i felt that you needed some sympathy as a human being who has had his love rejected.
your other replies have been sensible regarding your girl’s ms.
so jamie, punch a pillow, have a cry, stay in bed all day and then get yourself back into your life.
i know that it is difficult to think of your life without your girl but it does go on.
i see you as being about 27 yrs old (why, i do not know).
there are many more years left to live.
from my experience of ms - there were many aspects of my life that were very important to me but one by one they have become too difficult. my career was very important but now it’s loss is the least of my worries.
so in a way, you are experiencing a little of what your girl is.
so please accept a hug from me
carole x
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Hi carole I’m 32 not too far off. I have done everything you have said. Also accepted that I did everything I could have. I suppose Im just missing her and the feelings I have for her are feelings that I.have never.felt before. I’m struggling to deal.with them and my mind.can run into over drive at times. That is what happened last night. I honestly feel that this girl is the one for me. But my mind is abit wierd at times. Does she love me? I’ll bet she hates me now? I know there are irrational thoughts. I don’t want to push her away even more. Thanks for listening I wrote some poetry to.attempt to articulate some of my feelings (talking to myself and writing things down help me.to organise my thoughts. If you want to read the poem I can put it up Jamie
hi jamie
poetry writing is a good therapy.
it would be deeply personal though so would it be right to put it out on here?
you could private message it to me if you like.
just tried to remember what being 32 felt like (hah, many moons ago).
it was good. i’d had 2 babies born 14 months apart.
they are now aged 26 and 27, both boys.
that’s why i thought you were 27 as i’m tuned into that age group.
carole x
I sent you a direct message I think Hope you like it x
i messaged you back to say that your poetry is excellent.
how’s your smiling coming along?
even a rueful grin will do.
carole x
It’s kinda there thanks about the poem. I miss my gf but understand her reasons Im going to run,a marathon to raise money for ms society xx I would love my gf in my life xx
hi jamie
good luck with the running and with your girl too xx
carole x
If it is meant to be, it will be …
Many years ago, I met this lovely girl (just a touch older than me). I could not believe my luck when she decided that she felt the same way that I did. We had a few arguments, and one blazing row.
This week we will have been married for 53 years.
We still argue at times.
Suggest that you tell your girl that she made you aware of MS - and that is why you are going fundraising. That should be quite enough. Then remember:
If it is meant to be, it will be …
Geoff
Hi Jamie - I have had MS for 8 years and don’t agree at all with Tina’s posts to you. I appreciate that she has written her opinion but please please do take it for just that - her opinion only.
Its’ absolutely fantastic you love this girl and that you want to raise funds for the MS Society.
MS certainly isn’t the be all and end all of someone with MS’s life - especially those like your girlfriend and also me who were diagnosed in their young 30s.
Do give her some space for a bit but also never give up nor walk away from your girl or stop fighting for her.
Good luck and all my best wisheds to you and your girlfriend my friend.
I should have said I met my partner the morning before my first MS attack which happened in the evening of the very same day leaving me paralysed down 1 side for over a month. We have been together ever since (although I was missing for the first 6 weeks in hospital while everything came back to working just fine)! I’m sure I’ve pushed them away plenty of times but so glad they didn’t go and take it literally! MS is only one part of my life, certainly not the most significant by any means. Good luck!
Also check out the shift.ms website which also has a great forum with more younger people for a different perspective too
Be there for her…
MS is like being on an emotional rollarcoaster ride…one day up then down, its the same with the way we feel about our loved ones.
I adore my hubby been with him 20 years, but some days i could cheerfully strangle him lol…he does my head in. Irrational YES, and some days i could walk away from him, as I almost dislike him…irrational yes.
I feel like this when i am having a bad time with my MS, when i am exhausted and tired and in pain, i hate EVERYONE, get out of the way go away leave me alone…and i feel sorry for myself. Then i feel contrite and scold myself for being a crap wife…
Its part of MS sadly…
So if you really love this girl, why cant you just be her friend for now? Talk to her and just say you appreciate she needs space being a girlfriend, but can you just be friends, would she allow you to be there for her. This comes with rules mind, no touchy ok…just ring or text how are you, do you need anything stuff like that. Perhaps even ask if she needs to be taken anywhere, be a friend right now.
IF there is love there it will find a way if there is not then you have just made a good friend.
I know i need my space but its harder for me as i am tied down with a wedding ring, but to be honest with myself, i think i too may have just said to hubby if we were boy friend/girl friend go away i need some space lol…actually funny enough i am hoping to go into respite for 2 weeks this coming year just to have a break from family.
MS is so hard on our emotions. We cant make decisions, our heads go all over the place.
So for me i would say be there for her as a friend, and just see how things pan out.
Hope you enjoy your run for MS, good on you.
Also i would strongly urge you to read all their is about MS as it can be like reading that book WAR and PEACE lol…x