I found out in 2012 I had MS it has only had a mild effect on me physically but cognitive issues were at times shocking. Finding out I had MS answered so many questions (as it does for all of us) about what was going on with me. I decided to take some anti depressants to try and stabilise the crazy person in my head. It worked wonders, the crazy person had gone and a calm person was in her place. But apparently I was a little bit too calm, as my husband put it I was “emotionless” most of the time. I decided I had to stop taking the pills to save my marriage, surely I had learnt enough over the 12 months to stay calm when off them. Well coming off them was the best thing ever, the crazy lady stayed away. But only a week after stopping my husband came to me and said he thought he should move out (things haven’t been good for many years) I agreed to his reasons and he moved out on very good terms. I never for a second seen it has us ending our marriage, I seen it as we needed room to breath so we could get back on track. He didn’t know I thought this. Today I found out that he slept with someone else 2 nights ago. Now if we had been living apart for a few months it wouldn’t be such a big deal but he only moved out 2 weeks ago. I am shattered beyond belief that the man I have been with for the last 24 years could do this. I don’t have a support network at all as due to the “crazy lady” I lost all of my friends many years ago. When I rang them to tell them I had MS they basically didn’t believe me, maybe if I was in a wheelchair they would. It’s been such a struggle to get back to being me now I just don’t know where to go or what to do. My marriage is all I have ever known, I have been with this man since I was 14 years old, being with him is all I have ever known Now I don’t know if I should try and talk him into coming home or if I should except the fact he slept with someone else and move forward with my life. I just wish I had a friend I could call and that they would let me bawl my eyes out and listen to me explain how much my heart is breaking. I F#@¥ing hate MS, it has ruined my whole life
Sorry to hear of all your going through. Have u spoke to him since u found out? Ms is horrendous I agree I totally hate it. Maybe u need to still give each other space. Grass isn’t always greener on the other side . I left my husband the week before my huge relapse great timing and like u he moved out and when someone asked how I was he said how would I know we’re not together so together 11 years and being moved out a week didn’t count for anything. I don’t know what to suggest. In his eyes he maybe thinks I can because we’re not together (not justifying it) You maybe need a frank discussion if he thinks there’s any hope of reconciliation and that your working on things from your side too I don’t know but good luck with the situations xx
Hi Angie
I recognise the carzy lady as I think a lot of us went through that. Much caused by anger, fear, disapointment and stress. I am fortunate in that my husband has supported me through some of the most awful times and I am constantly amazed that he stayed. That said many friends proved to not be friends partly because they did not want to be associated with this mad person, partly because they did not/could not understand MS never mind the symptoms and partly because they were not true friends from the beginning.
I am a competitive person so right from the start I told everyone about my MS diagnosis. Well walking like a drunk meant this was a good idea but also because my speech was slurred and words often evaded me alltogether. Work quickly became impossible, I could not stay awake, so I did not get chance to become, I spent several hours during the day in the land of nod. Then I became angry which I now know was me grieving for what I had lost (competitive swimmer, cyclist, wlaker etc). Unfortunately, this lasted for three long years. I did recognise the need for counselling which my GP organised and although I quickly realised this was a lot like the training and coaching I had received is still proved helpful, if only to stop me looking inwards and to accept.
A Counsellor will do all the things you are wishing for without any payback or repercussions - you can rant, cry whatever you need to do. This is necessary so that you can move on from grieving to accepting. Without this important step you will not be able to rebuild and live your life. You deserve to live your life. Do not allow what others have done or decide to do to ruin your chance at a new life. That is what you need as the old one is gone. I cannot see how you would ever forgive him if there was a reconcilication but even if you could how would you know that until you can think more clearly?
You are not responsible for other peoples actions but you are for yourself and your future. I wish you well and hope that you get through this with grit, determination and the knowledge that the MS family is here for you.
Cheers
Moira
Hi Angie
I just wanted to say that counselling can really help. I think you can ring the MS Society and get counselling over the phone and that will give you a chance to say all the things you want to say and to grieve and maybe to come up with a way that you want to go forward with your life.
Sorry you’re in such a horrible position, lots of sympathy and virtual hugs from me - hope things start to be better soon.
I am sorry that you are having such a horrid time. Such a lot of bad news in such a short time - no wonder you are feeling so down.
I agree with others that counselling might be helpful for you as you come to terms with it all and find your bearings in a changed world. This is such a painful time for you, but you will get through it. Counselling can really help a person to deal with difficult feelings and find a new sense of perspective when life seems to be in a mess. Hang on in there. As my mother used to say, ‘This too will pass.’ She was right.
Good luck with it all.
Alison
My only “words of encouragement to you” would be … Stay strong, do whatever feels right for you, its your decision and nobody elses. I’ve always been of the opinion whats meant to be will be.
Hugs and good luck
Best wishes X G
The point about anti-depressants is very true with this flipping disease - gets in our heads and then we take tablets to make us emotionaless…life can be tough and we have to wade through it as best as possible…
Been in a similar position and from coming through it, all I can say to you is that two people hurt when MS/Stress are involved.
Maybe this is what he wants and/or maybe this is him self-soothing. Only way to sort this out is to understand how you feel about him and you and life in general, then after some space sit and have a non-judgemental conversation. He may want to just move on in life, or he might just be lonely and a bit rejected. Only he knows how he feels.
I feel for you because life really can kick you in the balls, it can take things away from you. Spend some time getting better, building a platform to become stronger and getting to know yourself, I wish you well x
Thanks to all of you for your kind words of encouragement. I have been seeing a councillor for a few months now and so far haven’t really seen much of a difference, just confusing myself more with my thoughts and emotions. In saying that I haven’t seen the councillor since I stopped the anti-depressants. Will see what happens. It’s just so hard as my husband is my world and I feel that I lost him to MS many years ago. I’m not sure he really understands the impact has had on our relationship, I’m not sure I do yet either. I sit here in quite contemplation and wonder if I should be accepting the fact that the marriage was over many years ago and let it go peacefully so I can remain friends with best friend of 24 years. So much damage has been done to the marriage, damage that I don’t know can be repaired, A friendship might be a more obtainable goal.
Angie, I think it is time for you to make your wellbeing a priority. It does sound as though your priority has been to try to please your husband, regardless of the impact on you (coming off anti-d meds etc). Please try to put yourself first for a change. He will do whatever he is going to do, and there probably isn’t much that you can do about that one way of the other. I am sorry that you haven’t got much out of counselling so far. It is no quick fix, alas. If you do decide to pursue it further - and I hope that you do - I hope that it bears fruit over time and helps you to deal with whatever life throws at you.
Alison
Angie, would you and your husband have seperated had you not got m.s.?
I changed for the worse many years ago and couldn’t figure out why. 18 months ago I found out I have MS and that was a massive lightbulb moment. Thought the best thing to do was to go on the anti- depressants, it was the best thing for the 12 months I was on them as they really helped me to understand what was going on with me. I decided to come off them on my own, my husband had very little influence on my decision. What he said to me was what helped me to make the decision. The first sign of me being to calm was when my brother told me he was expecting his 2nd child. I sat on the couch and said “That’s cool, congrats” no excitement no emotion at all. That is when I realised something was wrong. That mixed with what my husband said to me about 3 months later was what made me make the choice to stop taking the pills. As to if we would of separated or not Well that’s something I don’t know. But I do know things had been very bad for many years so one can only assume.
hi angie
i am with zetland on this one.
its easy to blame ms but u say urself its not be ‘right’ for years. i KNOW its not as easy as that! sometimes we plod on even tho we know aint it right/making us happy cos we dont want to fail/give up. but sometimes the truth is easier to address no matter how daunting/scary it may seem.
life is not easy but surely we should be happy?
that a very short answer condensed into alot of thought that is behind it!
take care-do what u have to to get through each day. there will be something to smile about-u just maybe aint seeing it currently (trees and forest spring to mind)
ellie
I found out 18 months ago that I had MS, I’ve had it for many years undiagnosed, the start of the downhill run as far as our marriage goes was about 2 months after my first MS attack.
yes-i saw that angie. not easy for u at all. bitter and angry at the world following diagnosis is completely understandable! i was merely trying to offer a different viewpoint. 18 months is no time at all to get ur head round diagnosis. i hope the counselling does help-that too will take time but you will get there (wherever ‘there’ is!)
take care, e
Hi Angie,
You are not at all crazy lovely, you seem like a wonderful, reasonable, loving human being who does not (nor does anyone) deserve the treatment you have received. We all, disease or no disease go through times of mental distress, it is during these times the people around us show who they truly are. Your friends and your husband have proved themselves to be unworthy of your love and time (my friends were the same, slowly ditching me until there were none). I am so sorry this has happened to you honey - we are all hear for you. Talk to as many people as you can - don’t hide away, that is the worst. 18 months is NO time at all honey. I was a total wreck for a long time. Talk to your doctor and get a free gym membership though the healthy lifestyles programme - you will meet people and excersize is the BEST anti-depressant ever.
Lots of love and best wishes,
TTTD
Don’t quite know what to say. I’m a bloke but do not want to blame anyone here.
MS is horrible, I’ve been tempted to jump in front of a train but that would not help my wife or family and the commuters would swear at the ‘jumper’ who stopped them getting home
My wife has stayed with me, guess we need each other in a funny old way. We have always given each other lots of space. I used to work abroad and come home at the weekends.
I guess you must take what life chucks at you. The stone marked MS is not a good one. Do try to smile and try to build up a circle of friends.
Good luck and I do feel for you
Patrick
Hi Angie
Sorry to see what you are going through in your life,makes you wonder what you have done wrong in a life before.
You need to look to the future it can only get better.