Hi, I am in need of some help. I have SPMS. I hit my lowest point at the end of last year, I lost most of my abilities in a 3 year stretch. I was angry and frustrated. I was not a nice man to live with. I did some bad things (online chatting and spending money big time). My wife has now thrown me out and I live in a hotel. She refuses to accept that MS had an awful lot to do with my behaviour. I still provide financially as I always have done. I’m now feeling desperate as I can’t see a way forward, even though I’ve been jumping through all the hoops she has thrown at me. I have had enough. Any advice would be much appreciated.
No Name, I am sorry that you and your marriage are in such bad repair.
Might you and your wife consider marriage guidance counselling, to be clear what your and your wife’s goals are for the relationship and the extent to which those goals are shared? People in pain often need some help to get past the futile mutual recrimination stage before they can think constructively about what, if anything, there is to salvage.
Martin Amis once remarked that ‘trial separations are often a great success’. I think he’s right. If you both want to save the relationship, then you need to get weaving. Once people are living apart, the clock is usually ticking, it seems to me.
I wish you well.
Alison
Thanks Alison, we are doing the joint counselling, I’m just so low right now because she won’t accept MS affects the mind, or that losing abilities breaks you. I’m sure she doesn’t want the marriage to end but I just need her to give me a little hope and shut the door on what’s happened to let us move on. It’s harder because she works for me and my office is at the house, I get so confused and find myself crying a lot.
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That sounds very tough for you. I hope that you and your wife find a way through to calmer waters.
Alison
One other thing: we are none of us robots and we do not always behave rationally, particularly when in trouble. It sounds as though your anger and distress have manifested themselves in unhelpful ways at home, putting your relationship at risk. You might not be the only one: if your wife seems to be over-reacting to your misdemeanours and failing to understand them (or you), something similar might be going on in her mind - she’s not a robot either! These strong emotions do have a habit of leaking out in difficult and sometimes destructive ways. I hope that you can find a way of helping each other through.
A
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