This is a difficult one to write - but I didn’t really know where else to go, and I know my mum has often found a lot of help and support on forums like this!
I received a devastating phone call today from a family member - my stepfather has recently left my mother, a 52-year old woman with primary progressive MS and confined to a wheelchair. Without going into the details it’s been quite a harrowing experience for her - safe to say that this will not be resolved.
I live in London and feel so helpless - I’ll be heading back home for a few days to try and help her sort things, but there are a number of questions that I just don’t have the answers to.
Housing: what will she do? He’s unlikely to continue to pay for the house that they jointly own together, and she is unable to pay for it herself on ESA and PIP. I also suspect that there’s underlying financial difficulties which could result in the house being reposessed
Care: In reality, my mum needs a carer. She has very limited mobility, has a frame to help her around the house and can’t leave the house without a wheelchair/mobility scooter. My stepdad, for some reason, has always been against becoming a full-time carer for her (I guess now we know why) but her being on her own constantly really worries me. She can’t get up and down the stairs, and has had a number of falls.
Finances: We all know that ESA and PIP are, quite frankly, inadequate. This was always supplemented by a second wage, but now she won’t have that. I’m worried as to how she will cope financially; bills, mortgage - everything really.
I’m not really sure what i’m hoping for from this post - I hope for many out there this is an infrequent situation, but if anyone has any advice on next steps/where to start it would be gratefully received.
so sorry to read this post, your mom must be feeling awful and really quite frightened I imagine.
I’m not going to be much help with your queries I’m afraid, but could you contact your mom’s MS nurse team? They will know what support there is in the area where she lives. Also maybe contact your local adult social care services?
If the house is jointly owned - is the mortgage on the property in joint names? If so she should tell the mortgage provider what has happened.
Money - Is their bank account(s) in joint names? If so maybe let the bank know, it may stop your stepfather emptying any credit balance(s). Does she have access to online banking? Does he know her passwords etc? If so change them.
Wills / life insurance policies - may need to be re-looked at and changed?
Does she have local support from friends/family/neighbours? At times like these gathering together all support and coming up with a ‘care’ plan/schedule even temporarily will be a comfort to both yourself and your mom.
Above all don’t run yourself ragged trying to do everything yourself, she will worry about you and feel she is being a burden.
Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot at a time like this
I’ve been onto social services today to kickstart that process so hopefully we’ll get a sense of what she is entitled to soon.
I’ve also arranged a solicitors appt for later in the week to discuss house/finance legalities so hopefully we’ll have a better idea of where we stand on that soon.
Great idea on the support network - I’m planning to assemble a “task force” of family and neighbours when I go back up to ensure she has someone checking in on her. My main worry is that she’s not eating properly and that’s obviously impacting her energy levels significantly - so hopefully we can address that soon.
Hi, between your first post, AngC`s reply, you are doing well with setting up appointments and a network of support for your mum already.
I would`ve advised the same as AngC. If your mum is entitled to care, and from the sounds of it, she should be, then social services can sort that out for her. I have a care package and it works well.
Firstly, look into whether they have joint bank accounts - as he can easily ‘empty’ it. lf l was you - get your mum to draw out all the funds and put into a new account in her name only.
