MS and depression/anxiety and stress.

Everyday living
1

Dear friends,

I’ve been posting on this forum for a long time now. I have RRMS and my relapse rate is pretty low. I take Rebif and have done for a long time as well.

11 years ago, I had a very bad relapse (before the Rebif had a chance to work) and on the MRI there was a flaring, active lesion. It affected my impulse control and the first symptom, which was pretty scary, was that I felt that I could - and wanted to take my clothes off.

I had another relapse this year, not too bad, but it also affected my sense of well-being and emotional balance. I thought I’d recovered well, but this summer I started to have suicidal thoughts along with self-harming thoughts. Forgive me if I don’t explain this well, but it’s a difficult subject to write about.

I was under enormous emotional stress, as my other half, who has panic attacks, was becoming obsessed with tiny issues. Each time that I became stressed, I thought that I could stop my partner by cutting my wrists and that the blood would shock my partner out of the panic. Not a logical approach, but there we are.

Then the - not so much suicidal, but impulse to jump off a bridge, throw myself out of a moving car, - those thoughts became stronger and I went to see my GP.

I have this board and a facebook group to help me with emotional support, but things are getting out of hand.

My GP put me on Citalopram, which has helped, stopping the impulses and also taking away some nerve pain. I’m on Amitryptaline for nerve pain, but it doesn’t ease it all, thyroxine, 4 BP drugs and LDN also, a strict diet, which has stopped my fatigue. The diet changed my life.

I wasn’t doing so badly, I can walk, exercise, do normal things within reason.

I also have a problem with adrenaline surges. This takes the form of huge rises in BP and constant peeing and massive amounts of stress. My endocrinologist is convinced that this is a result of a very rare benign tumour. It’s difficult to find as it could be anywhere in my abdomen. I have to try to limit my stress as a result.

The last few days have been awful. I tried to offer some words of empathy to someone and ended up being sarcastically mocked by that poster, who has now moved over to this board, this set off an adrenaline crisis and in between having to pee every 10 minutes, I was in tears. I was very, very upset by this.

The very site of his name makes me feel very stressed. I can’t sleep well, my hands are shaking and this board is/was my safe place.

Right now, I can’t bear to see his name. So for now, dear MS friends, I have to leave the board until things calm down again.

You are all - all of those with MS, brave and compassionate, wonderful people.

bye for now. I hope - I want to come back, but I just can’t take this anymore.
Love,

K

It’s anon. It discusses another person and those who know me, know exactly who I am.

2

Mega hug coming your way xx

3

Having been in a very similar situation this past year my advice is to contact the mental health crisis team and to get an urgent psychiatrist appt… through your GP. Psychiatrists are much more aware of the meds available and how they can be mixed to get the best possible results and other methods that may help you. Don’t lie to GP or Psych. tell them what you have told us.

There are all sorts of things about how difficult it is to get off these meds. I don’t give a stuff. As long as I am stable and my OH is no longer afraid of leaving me at home with the knife block I’ll take them.

4

just a thought did the suicidal thoughts come at around a few weeks after starting the citalopram or amitryptaline,because i cant take amitryptaline, because of the suicidal thoughts i get when i take them,for most its not a problem, but for me it was.

5

Really sorry you are feeling this way, and even sorrier that some goof on the forums has made things worse for you. I hope the mods and admin team take this quite seriously. Wishing you well and hope you feel better as quickly as one can… And that you feel safe coming back to the forum again,

6

I’ve been on a low dose of amitriptyline for 10 years. The citalopram has really helped so much, but maybe I need to go to my GP and take a higher dose. I’m only taking 10mg.

My bad thoughts are reactive. The ones to do with my partner were panic led and this time, from being sarcastically mocked here (not the EL board) were from anger and also, I was describing physical problems (spasms) from the time of diagnosis, when I was very ill.

I’ll stick to this thread for now and hope to return to the EL forum itself when my stress levels have dropped. I get very wobbly legs when stressed and that really sucks.

Thanks so much for the reply.

xxx

7

have you tried CBT its supposed to be really good,i was referd for it,but couldnt get to the appointments as i couldnt even get out of bed, to go,so i have to be referd again,please dont stop coming on the forum,because of someone making you upset,

i get the same as you, i have felt for years that i have been having adrenaline surges,and i get severe panic attacks,i used to get them really bad,but dont have as many now, my panics were helped a lot by reading ‘self help for your nerves’ by Dr Claire Weeks,it helps you understand them,which makes you less fearful,which helps a lot.

8

The bully who made you feel like this should be ashamed.

You have helped me in the past and you are a great support to people on this forum.

I would suggest every regular user of this forum who knows exactly whats happened here - to not reply to any posts from this person.

Best wishes to you and you can pm me anytime if you feel you need to talk to someone.

Teresa.xxx

9

Anon, we have talked about you seeing your GP and getting your Citalopram increased recently. In light of the events of the past few days with a certain poster upsetting you and the terrible effect that stress and anxiety is now having on you, I really think an urgent GP’s appointment is essential.

We will be very, very sorry to lose you but you do need some respite from the savaging you copped on the thread and some time out is probably a good idea. But think of it as a holiday and come back when things are more settled.

Please take care of yourself and if your legs start to really spasm from the stress don’t underestimate the value of the magnesium in a simple banana. I always keep some in the fruit bowl.

Anon with love xx

10

The person who made you feel this way is beneath contempt. There has been not a single word of apology despite the fact the person knows that you have been upset. There has been no indication that the person has listened to multiple requests to stop being deliberately provocative and upsetting people. Instead they continue on their single-minded quest, apparently uncaring of any hurt or upset they may cause.

However, some of us know that both you and this forum have survived worse than this contemptible individual in the past. We will again. You will again.

(((((HUGS)))))

Come back soon xxx