I suffer from erectile dysfunction and inability to orgasm when awake. The strange thing is that I am awakened two or three times a night with a very strong erectioon! I always wake in the mornig with an erection. My wife (we don’t sleep together) won’t have sex anymore due to a back problem and for several years I have had to think myself out of the ‘urge’. Does anyone have any ideas how I can rekindle some sort of sex life, even on my own! Gone anonymous out of embarrassment! Viagra etc isn’t the answer. All it does is cause an erection that lasts all night!
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Hi, I’m female, at least I was the last time I looked, so hope you don’t mind me replying to you. You say you can get an erection when you are asleep. This proves that you are physically able to do so. Do you think the reason that you can’t when you are awake is because you are thinking about it and putting yourself under pressure to do so. Is it possible that if you took a step back from the situation and relaxed a bit that you then might be able to get an erection when you were awake. Cheryl:-)
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Greetings. It doesn’t often happen that I agree with a girl,but I reckon Cheryl may be on to something.My over simplified version of some parts of MS is that Sensory Input is ‘mangled’ by nerve damage and can result in Neuropathetic pain,and lack of function amongst other things.When you are asleep there is no sensory input and with the nocturnal voting,sorry erections not elections,plus with the ‘Viagral Excitement’ there appears to be no plumbing issues,just wiring,with the inability to ‘fire the gun’
The problems your wife experiences seem to be very important,so her inability to join in,your percieved pressure and whatever the MS does or doesn’t do, leave you with the inability to ‘finish’.You need to talk completely openly with her,as there are plenty of things which can be tried,maybe without her back trouble being a factor.I had a bird with Rheumatoid Arthritis,but with care and practice we did alright.
Maybe you need to go back to your courtship days and try to re-kindle the passion.If she regards her back trouble as the sole reason for lack of activity,'praps the medics can provide advice.There is also the unpalatable possibility that she is using it as an exscuse,and there are other issues.There are ways of confronting any issues together,if there are any.Relate is one and a GP will have other ideas.
There is no need for embarrassment on here,as we all have problems.We have candid discussions about which ‘polite society’ likes not to focus on.MS is not polite and you’ll get no sniggering from the assembled throng.Actually, a thong is an idea.
Good luck,
Wb
Sexual dysfunction is a big a problem with MS and most people are to embarrassed to talk about it.
Because I suffer from disinhibition I don’t care.
You can go and see an expert in sexual dysfunction who can offer you everything from a hand operated vacuum pump to hormone injections.
You may find with time Viagra and all the alternatives don’t work very well during the day ~ perhaps it’s because we are not so relaxed or our hormone levels drop or the tablets compete with all the other medication we take.
Personally I don’t worry about it any longer as my wife has demanded complete celibacy from me on her religious grounds.
I will worry about it if I find someone else who wants a physical relationship, but at least I know help is available.
I also suffer from disinhibition and many other problems which is why I can reply to your post in my real name and not feel embarrassed about it.
Yes I get erections during the night and early mornings but I have no use for them now so I either ignore them till they go away or masturbate if I so feel the desire.
Bye for now ~ I’m off to live my celibate life now
Mr Mouse
Hello Mr Mouse,been a while.You’re looking good.
Wb
Woblyboy - I very much appreciate your comment, however you’re probably right. My problem is likely to be a relationship issue. I’ve been married for 37 years ( to the same woman! ) , and although we tell each other that there is love there has never been a close physical relationship. If I’m to beleive the newspaper surveys indicating that most couples have sex two or three times a week… Even when first married once a month was the norm. My wife refuses to talk about it and simply gets annoyed and blanks any discussion. So, I’m stuffed!
My neurologist told me that erections were handled “locally”, which is why drugs such as viagra will work. Lack of feeling and sensation is handled “remotely”, in the brain.
So if you get the night time erections it does at lease show that everything is working in that sense. It could be that the MS has indeed affected the desire and the strength of the orgasm. It does certain pour water on the fire. And the sitution with your wife is not going to help at all.
How is it if you have solo sex?
There are pelvic floor exercises that you can try to perhaps help develop the muscles in that area, help negate some of the effect of MS. You perhaps need to determine if the problem is solely a pyhsical one or is there a psyhcological element due to your ongoing relationship.
As mentioned above, you can’t dismiss that she may well be using this as an excuse not to, or it could be she is trying to spare your feelings.
Only you know how strongly you would like to engage in sex. If you are having to resort to masturbation then it is an indication that you are still keen. If you do masturbate, how is it? Is it satisfactory, or do you have the same sort of problems?
37 years is a long time with the same person, I can understand that relationships change in that time, but it sounds like it was not the most active relationship to start with. I think you might find the average is once a week for British couples, so as a nation we are not at it constantly.
There is the age thing to consider as well. It naturally all gets less effecive as we get older, so there is that as well as the MS to contend with.
There is no quick and easy answer to this but it does sound like something you need to bring out in the open and discuss frankly and in an adult manner.
It is a very sensitive topic but you are not alone, there are many here who have had similar bad effects from MS.
Paul
I think getting an erection during night time has more to do with the fact the rest of your body is on “standby” and that all of your sleeping focus can be on arousal from your brain rather than physical stimulus.
I have been sufferihg with erection problems for about 4 years now, at first I could masturbate fine but when it came to getting ready to do the deed with the missus all the effort to climb over and um…find the target was usualy too much messing and I would lose it while faffing around. Again I think because suddenly the focus is on making the rest of my body work so I can get into position.
Now however I can’t even get an erection when masturbating alone, since I’ve been able to do that just fine for the past 30 years suggests the problem isn’t psychological, since I’m alone and I have 30 years experience of knowing what feels good for me.
Occasioinaly I wake up in the morning with an erection, sadly I can’t remember what I was dreaming about but as soon as I get up I lose it, which makes me believe its more to do with the rest of my body having the attention diverted away from said erection. When my body is resting my nervous system only has to send a signal to my penis and thus it gets the attention it needs to work.
I understand many none ms erectile problems can be psychological but that statement presumes you are healthy and that you don’t already have a pre existing medical condition that directly damages your ability to get or maintain an erection. If you are consistantly unable to get an erection alone when you want, I’d say it’s more likely the ms than psychological, since you are under no pressure to perform for anybody else at that momment.
I am planning on asking to try Cialis at some point but Christmas has other ideas on where my priorities lie. Cialis is like Viagra only from what I have read is typically more effective on ms patients for whatever reason.
As for rekindling your sex life, I’d say number one is to rekindle your relationship. I don’t know the details but I imagine your parther is making an excuse either for her or your benefit. Perhaps she feels upset she can’t turn you on, perhaps being reminded of that upsets her more and so she uses that excuse to avoid the issue. Or…perhaps she feels sorry for you since she can’t fix you and thinks it would be better not to remind you of your problem. Have you told her you want to make love to her? do you ever do other activities with your partner even if intercourse is currently impossible?
Paulx, you make some valid points,but if you were ‘loading the gun’, I’ve just picked it up and fired it." My neurologist told me that erections were handled locally".What he said is fabulous
Anonymous,a poor situation.Is there anybody that she may confide in who may give you a clue? What the papers say, and what people will say in sex surveys,need enough salt to grit the M 1.Is it possible that what you both say is love is actually companionship and reliance on each other.
I haven’t got any other worthwhile suggestions,apart from the ridiculous idea of getting drunk with her(if that is an option) and see if she relaxes a bit.I did some of my ‘best work’ whilst suitably refreshed
FrostPaw,it sounds like you have become ‘sensitized’ to ‘The Devil’s Work’.I reckon you and her need to work together,possibly infront of a computer screen.If she’ll be totally honest and you find stuff you both like,the move to the boudoir might follow on once the tackle has been checked over a few times.Don’t forget her though.
Wb
I am not sure that getting drunk is the answer. I don’t know about you, but large amounts of drink are not condusive to getting and maintaining an erection, let alone doing anything useful with it. Of course the aim is to relax both participants and that is good logic.
I think it is time to talk about it, find out what the root cause is and what you can do to make it good for both of you.
I have had to accept that the end product is nothing to write home about, but all the poking prior to that is actualyy quite nice. So i get something different out of it from my good wife. We are both happy. No it is not the same as it was and it is never going to be,but at least we both get something from it.
You may have to take to, lets say stoking the fire and building up reserves before hand. I mean masterbating but stopping short of orgasm a few times a day, a fter days before sex. At least that way you should have a decent amount to orgasm with, which does make a difference.
Talk to you neurologist. He/she will have heard it all before and may be able to offer some advice.
I think you need to convince yourself that it does all work and that is going to best be achieved by relaxing as much as you can and experimenting, on your own to start with. The erections are a good sign, so keep that in mind and do what you can with it. Since you sleep on you own, next time you wake up with one, make the best use of it you can. i don’t know if you are in a different room, if you are then it should be a bit easier.
The is something that afects many people, male and female with MS, so don’t be embarrassed by raising it.
Thanks for all the comment and advice. I now have a few avenues to explore. My biggest problem is that my wife simply won’t enter into any conversation where sex, or lack of it, is involved. It is a very solid stone wall. I’m currently trying to rekindle our relationship although the effort is one sided! I know I’m giving the immpression that I’m treated poorly, but apart from the physical side we get on well. Maybe my thoughts are unreasonable and I should just accept a celibate existance!
You know your wife better then anyone, so ultimately you will have to decide how you handle it.
Hopefully you will manage to at least open negotiations and take it from there.
All the best.