I'm worried about our marriage

Hi all.

I’m new to this form and hope someone can offer any sort of solace. My wife has had ms for 3 years now and although it was a turbulent diagnosis, she’s not had a relapse since. The issue I’m worried about is her lifestyle and how it affects the both of us.

She’s just seems too content at doing nothing. She works from home all day, sits around all evening and at weekends, just stays in bed watching TV. I’ve spent the last 3 years trying to understand what she’s going through and keeping on top of all the housework. I pick up her meds, take her to her hospital appointments and cook her food. All whilst working 50hrs a week myself with a lot of that working away from home.

Only recently though, have I realized the affect this has had on my mental health and I’ve now been signed off work, put on antidepressants and referred to a therapist. I’ve just ended up feeling that the women I loved is now just a person I look after.

I’ve tried motivating her, talking to her family for help and even talking to her about my feelings. It seems if I try to get her to do anything that doesn’t involve sitting around, she says she can’t do it because of her ms.

We both used to have so many dreams and aspirations but I feel like they’re just slipping away from us. I know that a healthy active lifestyle is the best thing for ms but she just can’t see it. How can I get her to change before it’s too late?

I’m worried about us both but more for the fact that she seems to have given up on life. I know this sounds morbid and I hate to even type it, but it’s like she’s just waiting to die. That’s seems terrible I know, but it genuinely feels like that.

Any advice welcome.


Will she, in her own right, sign up here? MS doesn’t have to be a death sentence, perhaps more in the early days of diagnosis liken to a suspended sentence, an option to get on with life.

I don’t want to sound harsh but if she hasn’t had a relapse for 3 years, why has she confined herself to bed and TV? I think she needs help, there are numbers on here that she could ring, perhaps you could ring too. Talk through your worries and concerns and go from there.

Marriage no matter what comes along is still a partnership, no matter how little the contribution. Seek help before you burn out…

Keep talking, hopefully you will together work through this.


I’m in a similar situation, I care for my husband who was diagnosed over 5 years ago now with progressive MS. These past few weeks especially I’ve been very tearful and feeling I can’t cope, I suppose I’m grieving for the life we used to have. We have been married for 35years and are both in our mid 50’s with no children (not through choice). We used to love going on holidays, going to rock concerts and going out a lot. We can’t go any longer, he no longer works or drives as he has significant cognitive issues but can walk a little with a frame or uses a scooter. I can’t explain to anyone how he is, some days better than others. He needs help with shower and dressing as he loses his balance and is very stiff, he doesn’t have any medication, there’s nothing for him him apparently. I’m seeing everyone going on holiday and enjoying life and we can’t go. We did go abroad 3 years ago with family but no one is suggesting anything now. I just feel we have no life, I go to work 4 days a week so I can be home with him the rest of the week, he has carers for an hour and a half a day during the week, some of them take him out for a coffee or for a ride in the car. The reason I’ve been put off going anywhere is we did go to a wedding a few weeks ago and he had an accident which was a nightmare, as they had no disabled toilets there and my brother had to deal with him, I felt so sorry for my poor hubby. This is a really horrible condition which has ruined his life as well as mine. I know I probably sound it’s all me me, but I can’t help the way it’s making me feel sad all the time. There’s no conversation to be had, he’ll just respond when I ask him anything, he can’t remember what he’s eaten or done during the day, the only way I know is what the carer’s have written down. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks for listening.

Since you mentioned a relapse, I’m assuming your wife isn’t Primary Progressive, so there’s no reason for her to be essentially bed-bound unless it’s all in her head. It sounds like she could do with some mental-health counseling.

MS certainly does affect all of us differently, but it does sound like she’s using her diagnosis to just give up on life. So many of us here on the forum have been dealing with MS for decades, and we work, raise families, or travel. I had it for more than 40 years before I had to give up working, and I still look after myself.

Please take care of yourself first, then try to get her to see that she’s not dealing with this well and has to make an effort to change.