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Feel like such a sh*t

hello everyone,1st post on here so please excuse any faux pas I may make, my wifes been an MS sufferer for about 2yrs now and its only recently she has been slowly deteriorating, i.e. in bed for days,short tempered,etc, and whilst I can deal with this as part and parcel of this disease,im finding it harder and harder to be the husband I used to be. We have one child whom I sort out in the morning for school and after,run the house and work,albeit P/T and some nights,my wife works part time as well,it just feels now that there is no “WE”, if that makes sense? I love her dearly and want to be there for her but just feel this situation is getting worse by the day,im sorry to be all me,me,me,but it feels now that im just a hired help and not her man.

Our son thankfully is of an age where he slightly understands whats going on, but he misses doing activities with his mum and dad as well and how much can you tell an 8 yr old before you baffle him totally?, God I hate this disease so much, its taking my wife from me and my son! Im not leaving her anytime soon, love her too much,just feel totally overstretched and at the end of my tether

MrH says: Firstly, get in touch with you local carers association, details available at your GP surgery. Secondly, take advantage of your GP and access some counselling that will give you an opportunity to vent and express yourself to a trained professional Thirdly, don’t beat yourself up for feeling human. It is completely normal to feel as you do. It’s like a grieving process. Hugs from both of us, we understand. Xx

thank you, just been trying to struggle along manfully (HA! what a joke eh?) spoken to my wife about this before now and she does try on occasion to prop me up, but im not the one suffering from MS, im the fit one seemingly,just feel at times as if were losing everything to MS, including my mind,such as it is

Will do as you advise,time for the Dr for me I guess,no man is an island and all that eh,

thank you again

Billy x

Hi Billy Well, my man is all man too and he struggles sometimes hence why I showed him your post and his reply for you. It’s hard…I remember what I felt like when he was seriously ill and not expected to live. He don’t know who I was for weeks…and it was awful, even knowing that he was going to get better. Goodness knows what it’s like when you don’t have that light at the end of the tunnel. From me, as a wife of someone in a similar position to you, I think it takes a bigger man to ask for, accept and act on help and advice. And a bigger man to admit that he’s struggling. I admire your honesty. Xx

Hi Billy

you`'re certainly not. I think this disease is as hard on our loved one’s as it is on us. we’ve got to get on with it but I can’t imagine watching the person you love go through this. I’ve only experienced it as the person with it but my advice would be stay honest and open with each other and get some help so you can spend some quality time however short on yourself, as a couple and a familyfamily. Don’t feel bad it’s really tough.

Hi, I get what you are saying…totally!

Ive had an MS like condition for 15 years. I take a lot of looking after! my hubby was my sole carer for 11 years and it took its toll on both of us.

He has both RA and OA…his meds dont do much to allieviate the pain, but the consultant has tried other things to no avail, sadly.

So almost 2 years ago, I forced my hubby to let us get some outside help in. I say forced, as whenever I mentioned it before, he would get mad and say it was his job to care for me and no-one else`s.

But I was suffering with his impatience and life was pretty miserable at times.

So yeh, I applied for Direct Payments.

Now i have 3 other carers besides hubby. One comes in 7 mornings a week to get me up, showered, dressed and ready for the day.

One other carer sleeps over 1 night a week, so hubby goes upstairs and sleeps well.

A 3rd carer joins carer no 2, to take me for a weekly outing. We got to cinema, shopping, a meal, whatever I want to do.

In May 2 carers and I are going to Blackpool for 3 days. Hubby will think he`s gone deaf! I couldnt get any funding towards the holiday, so we have been saving our spare pennies to pay for it.

What about considering Direct Payments for your wife?

luv Pollx

Hi Billy

That sounds so tough, but hats off to you for wanting to stick around and support your wife. The only bit of advice I’d suggest is to make sure you do things that make you feel energised or alive somehow, or that leave you feeling renewed. The world (especially your family) needs an alive you, not a dead you. And the same goes for your missus - it will no doubt do her the world of good to be able to do little things where she feels like she’s really being herself or that she really enjoys. I think it’s important that you find those kinds of things separately so that you both bring fresh energy to the relationship. And I also think it’s important that you find those kinds of things to do together, so that your relationship isn’t just about taking care of physical needs.

Dan