I nearly choked

Everyday living
1

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity…or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

  1. Spending it at car boot sales

  2. Going to night clubs

  3. Spending it on prostitutes

  4. Buying beer or whisky

  5. Getting yourself a Tattoo

  6. Visiting a bookie

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me…just glad I could be of help. …

2

Oh I’ve always wanted a tattoo. Good incentive Wb

JBK x

3

You going on the Game as well? Sorry, but you did leave a loaded gun unattended

Wb xx

4

Never noticed any tattooed male prostitutes at my local car boot sales. How disapointing. Perhaps they had all been taken. Will just have to spend it on the whisky then that will keep me warm instead

Helen x

5

Honey - the pittance I get paid, I would probably make more on the Game - and I probably wouldn’t have to work Sundays either

JBK x

6

You are right Helen - l too have not noticed any tattooed male prostitutes at the car boot. There is definitely a ‘shortage’.

Perhaps it has started a ‘panic-buying’.

Still - when they see me on my Tramper with two rottweilers - perhaps they duck down behind the tables.

Pity we do not have a Walmart nearby.

7

SpaceJacket do you think Walmart will stock a new improved range, or perhaps a buy one get one free offer that we could go halves on? Well it is for the economy and you like to think you are doing your bit to ensure its growth.

Helen x

8

if its buy one get one free - I’ll take both!!!

That way they dont wear out as fast!!

JBK x

9

JKB you are a bad girl but I forgot your mantra is ‘quantity and quality’ lol. I think I will still go halves as I would defo need a night off [ clearly haven’t got your stamina] and need some money left to drink whisky and go clubbing.

Helen x

10

Think I’d forget the offer or what I even went for in the first place :-/ my clubbing days are well over so I’ll just stick with the Whisky :smiley: Sue x

11

I’m giving serious considering to having"Knackered not Neutered" tatooed on my forehead,phew…that’s the right fore.

Where are these Car Booty Calls?.I’ll have to try my good hand,the other one feels like somebody elses

Wb xx <(L)>

12

OOOOO you are naughty - but I like you!!! Doesn’t that sound like Kenny Everett???

Shazzie xx

13

shazzie - it was dick emery who said that

carole x

14

ln the best possible taste - was Kenny Everett - bless him.

15

Come on play nicely,or you 'll be going to bed with a *****ed -u-. I’m a good boy,but if you have the kind of mind which reads my words in a different way…Not my fault

Wb xx

16

I’m purely a corporate whore so my tattoos stay hidden :wink: I love a bit of a flutter but I’m a lightweight when it comes to alcohol and I never get out of bed early enough for car boot sales! :wink:

Sonia x

17

I don’t like whisky, there is a real shortage of male pros so I’ll have to stick to real ale that I can be sure has been brewed in the UK. Oh, wait, I don’t get a winter fuel payment. I’ll have to use my DLA £10 Christmas bonus instead. That will get me exactly 2 bottles. I’m not even going to get tipsy …

Tracey x