Forum

I feel like im being irresponsible??...

Hi All,

I’d like to ask your opinions…

Im 31, undiagnosed with Transverse Myelitus 18 months ago. So in limbo unless another attack happens.

Me and my boyfriend were going to plan for a baby but maybe not for another couple of years, due to money etc and generally not feeling ready quite yet.

Due to this ms like attack, i feel like we should try for a baby now, because what happens if i have another attack before having a baby, then i have to go on medication etc, then stop it to try for a baby?

It’s such a sh** situation to be stuck in.

If i start trying for a baby now, i’m asking myself am i being irresponsible bringing a child into this world when i am potentially going to have an incurable disease that i possibly cannot cope with, giving a child a miserable life to see an ill parent?

I simply don’t know what im doing to be honest and i dont know what to do.

I can’t get any support from neuro or doctor etc as i am not diagnosed yet so they still speak to me like nothings wrong.

I can’t imagine not having a child and i dont want this to stop me but i dont want to set myself or a child up for heartbreak.

Have any of you got any experiences or advise about this sort of situation?

Thank You T x

Hi T, look at it like this. Nobody on earth knows what the future holds. Anyone could have a baby & then get an incurable desease next day.

Lots of people with MS have children. Their children don’t have miserable lives at all. Ok you might not be able to play football with your child or run the three-legged race at school sports day… but you can still love a child and do most of the stuff and able-bodied parent can.

No child lives in an absolutely perfect family… except on bad American sit-coms. And children have to grow up in the real world where there are all sorts of people including disabled people.

People with all sorts of disabilities have children… sometimes with both parents disabled. Their children adapt and think nothing of it.

Even without MS, if you want your children growing up in a perfect world you would be fighting a losing battle. There is no such thing.

Go ahead and have the baby. Be aware that you might need a bit of extra support from time to time, but if your partner and you are committed to giving a child the very best that you can, you won’t go far wrong.

Pat x

I had Tm between my 1st and 2nd child. I knew about the possibility of having MS but went ahead and planned for 2nd pregnancy. I have since been diagnosed with RRMS but this has not impacted my children and I would say they have had very happy childhood. Agree that you can not determine how the future will pan out, I have been very lucky and my MS has been very mild. My youngest son is now 23, Best wishes Sandra

You may never have another attack, and therefore never have MS (TM is a diagnosis in itself, by the way; it’s not “undiagnosed MS”.) I should admit I’m not a mum myself, so perhaps not best placed to give advice. However, I don’t feel you should rush plans to have a child, if you don’t otherwise feel ready, just in case you have another attack (which could be years away…or never). But equally, I don’t think you should shelve plans to have a family - again, because of something that may never happen. IF you have another attack, and do go on to be diagnosed with MS (these are all IFs) it’s not definite you would be placed on meds either. Usually, you need at least two attacks in two years to qualify. You’ve gone 18 months already, so unless your next attack was in the very near future (less than six months) it’s unlikely you’d be an immediate candidate for meds anyway. So having to stop them to try for a child might never be an issue. Hope this helps, Tina

Hello, My MS started after my son was born, he is 7. I was diagnosed in February after years of struggling but I just didn’t know what was wrong. I have always wanted to be a mother so nothing stopped me. Anything can happen to anyone at any time, so I really wouldn’t delay your decision based on a lot of what ifs. Now, I’m not saying I don’t find times hard because I do but my son is my sunshine and I don’t know what I would do if I hadn’t of had him. We wanted a second but infertility issues have prevented that and now I’m on DMDs we have had to give up. I cannot put into words how upset we have been over this but we have our miracle son and I am so grateful. I hope I provide the sunshine he gives me, I just have my own way of doing it. He loves me for the mummy I am to him and he has never compared me to his friends mums. I have to remember that if and it is a big if he develops MS that he will look back and remember his Mum doing the best for him with what I had. I want him to remember how I faced adversity because I wanted to be his mummy so much. I think you are being sensible to look at this and the effects but my advice is to not let this disease take away what you want. Sam x

Dont rush into anything straight away,its harder being a parent with ms as my husband knows and it must be harder being a woman carrying a child when you have ms.But i am sure you could ,there is a lady on here who is pregnant and has ms i have seen her posts cannot remember her name.Have you spoken to your gp about having a family? xxx julie

I had my two children before my dx and they’re now 5 & 3 years. My dx came last year. I wouldn’t have let my dx put me off having children AT ALL. Personally I wouldn’t rush things - pregnancy is good for MS and it’s just the early days after that can be hard with relapses as far a I know. Then again, the early days with a new baby are hard anyway!! Remember the early days of MS are normally relapses broken up with longish periods of remission, so hopefully there’s no need to rush at all. Children are a massive life changing thing, so you need to be 100% ready. I would also suggest having a good circle of friends and family around you who can help should you have a relapse. My children are my world and, so far, I have not had to alter the way I look after them because of MS. Two relapses have required hubby to take a few days off work while I took to my bed, but that could be the same with flu or stomach bug! Yes, there may come a time when I’m not running around the park with them so much, but children are very accepting and very adaptable. I would say I’ve become a better mother because of this as I make the most of every moment and don’t take my time with them for granted. I also decided not to return to work yet, so I’m with them a lot more than I would have been otherwise. I say go for it, just when you’re ready! Don’t rush it - life has a way of screwing up whatever plans you make! X