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husbands,wifes and partners

hi sorry to post this anon but i’m just wondering if anyone else feels there OH is really fed up hearing of illness aches and pains.i’m at the point now i always just say im fine…saves any uneasy moods

thanks for reading and any replies

take care everyone

Aww bless you. I understand what you mean. Although my husband is very understanding, I feel like an MS bore sometimes so I have adopted the atitude that unless it affects me bady, I keep it to myself. I was finding that I was getting on my own nerves, let alone anyone elses when I moaned about every liitle ache and pain. I save it now for when it is bad. But that is just me :)). Xx

Yes, I’m afraid they do, well mine does. Although I think that they are really just blocking out what they wish wasn’t there.

They have no idea what the pain, fatigue, myoclonic jerks feels like so it’s easier to shut themselves off from it all.

I’ve tried talking to my OH but it’s not an easy thing to do. If I feel really grotty, I usually say ‘I’m having a bad day’ and leave it at that. Then he merrily gets on with what ever he was doing.

Have you tried telling him/her how you feel or shown them any brochues on the subject to try to get them to understand it a bit more.

I wish you luck, but don’t forget we’re here if you need to talk.

Hope this helps a little for you.

Janet x

Absolutely. I think it’s very very hard on any relationship… partners and friends. I agree that on a daily basis it’s best if you can just shut yourself up about it and only mention it when it’s a bad new symptom… BUT that is so hard to do as having daily symptoms makes life so difficult and is always there. Even if you do shut up it is a HUGE elephant in the room.

I think it takes a very strong relationship to survive with MS or I suppose any chronic condition. I can really see how some MSers end up together.

Pat x

my OH has never ever said to me ‘how are you?’

if I comment on some new symptom/problem she will say ‘go to the doctor’

some people are supportive, some not and I don’t think people change.

I think my husband just replies back ok, dont worry it will be ok soon, thats his fav dialouge now, wonder if he ever listens to wat im saying.

If he asks if im ok, sometimes dont have energy to tell him, so i say mmm…

Oh, I always just say I’m fine, my husband can see the problems I have walking but I always just say I am fine. I never say anything other than I am fine when talking to my husband or mum, but then if you ignore the walking problems, I guess I am fine, lol. Cheryl:)

my husband is really supportive just had a bad relapse and he took care of me looked after our little boy and just generally did everything.

i do worry that he is going to get fed up with me as he is only 23 and i dont want him to feel stuck but he reassures me he doesnt feel like that and that he loves me and im still the same person but you always have that worry in the back of your mind.

i was only diagnsed early january this year and all i spoke about was ms what it means what happens but then realised that my husband probably didnt want to hear about ms all day everyday so only say anything now if something is really bothering me or if im in alot of pain.

carly xx

In fairness, I think practical advice is some people’s way of being supportive. They are more inclined to respond with a practical suggestion of what to do (“Go to the doctor!”) than a “There, there…” type response. I think it’s more common with men, but no reason it can’t be the other way round, too.

BOTH types of support are valid, but problems arise when the requester was seeking one, but got the other. If the requester is just wanting a bit of TLC, but the partner instead interprets it as an invitation to suggest a solution, both end up feeling thwarted.

The requester thinks: “That wasn’t very sympathetic!”, the partner thinks: “I’ve suggested the only thing I can think of - what more can I do?”

Tina

[quote=“Byrony”]

I don’t think some folk are good at dealing with others being ill. My eldest daughter never asks me how I am but the minute she has a cold the whole world knows about it! I thought maybe she was selfish but I truly think she doesn’t ask because she can’t face the answer. And your’e right people very rarely change.

Sarahx

[/quote]Hi Sarah, I think my eldest is just like your`s. If I mention a pain or whatever, she makes more noise about how she is feeling.

i do think she can be selfish at times, but i also think she can`t seem to face me being ill.

luv Pollx

Hi, my hubby (my main carer) has rheumatoid arthritis which causes him a lot of pain and difficulty. I see him wince when he is helping me, so we both have a problem to moan about!

luv Pollx

I think this is the kind of thing that eats away at relationships, ask your partner/friend/offspring how they feel when you tell them, say how you feel about telling them and their response. Be constructive but be open, the worst thing you can have in a relationship is something that bothers you or your partner repeatedly but goes unspoken

Spit it out, have a bit of a spat if you wanna argue and you’ll both be better for it.

No doubt the people who spend the most time with you are also the people who by definition become the most frustrated and annoyed by your condition, maybe even moreso than yourself. Being irritated by irrational and petty things is being human…I get furious when my partner puts the bread knife in the carving knife slot so when I want to cut some bread I pull the wrong one out…it’s stupid, it’s not important but it pisses me off…stuff like that needs to come out or you build on it with new annoyances!

Give your partner an opportunity to be politicaly incorrect and say they are annoyed you can’t do x by yourself or that they feel fed up hearing x because they can’t do anything about it. If you really are a partnership it won’t bother you in the long term as much as not talking about it will

I do try not to moan as we have a reletive who only talks about how ill she is, and to be fair its very offputting,nothing else matters to her, when my daughter had a problem and rang her to say she couldnt go and see her that day she blew her top and said you realy dont give a stuff about me do you and put the phone down on her.

So i am carefull what i say and try my best not to moan and the family do know when i say something it must be bad at that time.

Most of the time i say ime fine but my daughter can tell when the TN is bad as it makes my eyelid droop.

Oh well onwards and upwards,Barbara.xx

Wise words FrostPaw!

Ellie x

As an after thought-some of you ‘oldies’ are aware that that I dated a wonderful guy from on here for 2 years. We both thought that we would have a better understanding of each others difficulties. It was of no help whatsoever! Because even tho folk with similar illnesses can perhaps sympathise with more knowledge they still have no idea of how the other person is really feeling/what they are experiencing. So from that stance I personally think its unreasonable of anyone (whether they have MS or not) to know exactly how we are feeling. Since diagnosis I have said that its harder for those that love us to deal with this-primarily due to frustration and feeling useless and wishing that they could fix us… Truth and honesty-primarily with oneself and then partner. Its difficult to be honest with oneself cos sometimes its like admitting defeat when u cant do something but I believe it is best in the long run. Rambling over…

I live independently and seem to cope pretty well with the awful burden of having no one to moan to. Frankly, I can’t see the point anyway, as GBH of the eardrums solves absolutely nothing.

Hi,

I’m currently going throught Detox/cleansing for Interstitial Cystitis as a result of taking Aloe Vera Capsules, and both my MS and IC symptoms are worse for a while as a result. Have to admit that I’ve broken down a few times and sobbed my heart out with the frustration and humiliation of it all, and I think it’s the first time that my husband has really understood what it’s like to be me and how I feel about it. Because he works away from home, there’s this assumption that I can just get on with things when really there’s times when it’s hard work being me. Everything is exhausting at the moment.

I’ve come to realise that pretending all is well doesn’t do me any good.

Heather .

My wife has had serious medical problems, from which she will never fully recover, I have a serious long term medical condition, from which I will most probably never recover, and my daughter suffers from mental retardation from which she will never recover, my son has been OK so far… (poor him to live with that lot…).

My wife is grateful for the fact that she did not get as bad as might have been possible, I am grateful for the fact that the MS is only slowly progressive, and we as parents are relieved that my daughter’s condition is not directly life threatening…, who said that everything in life is relative?

You can conquer anything as long as you can trust eachother and rely upon eachother (and talk to eachother…), just as you said when you got married (or similar). I have to be honest, I think I am the biggest moaner, it’s my pride that gets in the way at times, but at least we can still laugh about it (by the way, better quality of laughing AND conversation after a glass of wine and AFTER my daughter has fallen asleep…).

I do feel for those people with MS whose relationship has broken down because of it, even if it is for the better at times.

‘Whammel’ love your comments, you are like the old (sorry) wise owl on the background!

My OH is Irish and Catholic. I was brought up in the Church of Scotland (but I’m not ‘religious and don’t intend to be - my OH goes to church every Sunday - she went to University of london and is an Optometrist - I’m not). My doctor has ‘two relatives who have MS’ and he is ‘sort of’’ convinced that he might get it! My OH is ‘supportive.to some extent’ but she would ‘I think’ be more supportive’ IF I WAS TO BECOME A CATHOLIC - that’s NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I only developed MS after we were married (~15 years ago) - I’ve had MS for ~13 years. Her brother (a teacher) has MS and lives in englandshire.

I’m 55 (and no longer work) - I just wonder what life would have been like without MS but not on-going - I can’t even work out where I developed MS - none of my family had it?

I’m ‘making’ myself sad now (and I’ve just come off ‘anti-depressives!’)

BUT I’M NOT ‘OUT YET’ AND (HOPEFULLY) - SUMMER HAS STILL TO COME (YAHOO!)

Marcus. x. :wink:

thanks for all your replies…don’t feel so bad now