Husband watches porn - I find out. Devastated

Everyday living
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Hi everyone,

This might turn into a long post so I am sorry about that..

A year ago i've started to feel worthless, i've lost my self confidence, I feel overwhelmed and I feel a sense of loss from the usual myself. I cannot even describe exactly what I feel but I do know what has happened because of it all.. I've started to feel the effects of having anxiety. Other than me suffering a form of OCD and keeping things clean and tidy, I haven't ever felt more than that. I have become an over thinker. I worry about every single little thing. I cannot take deep breaths properly. I feel as thought my chest tigthens up (a bit like the MS hug which i've previously suffered from). There's a lot that I feel but cannot put it into words (not sure why I decided to type out this message but I need help. I need some guidance. I need some words to say and put out how I feel to you all)

I hear you all wondering why? SO. Last January a month after we celebrated our first wedding anniversary, I came upstairs to bed (a little late. We live with family so I was doing a few jobs before I went to bed) to see my husband fast asleep, but I saw that he was watching Porn on his phone. I decided to pick up his phone from his chest to see, but he flinched so I managed to turn it off and put it beside him. I was shocked to see that - and I felt a sense of shame - more for him. I decided not to say anything and let it pass. He's a man. Porn is normal for him. How stupid am I?! We continued to live life as good as we can, our sex life was absolutely fine and all else was too (even during Covid)

Throughout this time, his phone was always on the bedside table locked. As his wife, I didn't even know his password (he knew mine). He only told me half of his password (because I asked and tried it in between that time) - as bad as that may sound, why wouldn't I because I had previously seen a porn website open. You cannot blame me. Last July, I went upstairs and his phone was unlocked. Yay. I get to see his search history. I did. I came across another porn website, but instead I took the phone to the bathroom in case he woke up. I decided to look through his whatsapp messages and came across an unfamiliar ladies name. The conversation absolutely destroyed me and disgusted me. He was asking for a sex video between 2 lesbians for the next day (20 mins for £25) at 2pm. (He decided to set up his home office in the loft of the house). I decided i'll ask him ONE day when i'm brave enough, so I took a screen shot of those messages and kept them safe on my phone.

The next day I asked if he has a busy day and if we can go grab some lunch (as a takeaway) as we were past the first lockdown. This was only to see what he would say. He said he had an important work call coming at 2pm and not sure how long it would be. This absolutely broke me. The whole day, weeks and months in my head that conversation didn't leave but I STILL didn't confront him. Why?! Because it broke me. I have a backbone whenever it comes to anyone else, but when it comes to me... I say i'll deal with it and do so in my own way. I had many mood swings with him, didn't give him sex for a while and then we were on/off, our relationship was pretty rocky so when he finally asked me properly what was up I decided to change the whole subject and say I want us to get a house and i'm getting old, so i'd like to be pregnant so we need to sort ourselves out before we try next year. Whyyyyy did I not just tell him then!! Anyway. I thought this would get him to change around and become a man because he always said he wants children. If I said we need to sort ourselves out before trying for a family, it might make him re think his actions. Was it a good idea? I don't know. Was I right? No...

I tried to forget things and developed anxiety with some trust issues. I'm a right softy. When he used to hold me and say he loves me, I fell for it but always called him a liar. I did go soft on him. Very. Moving on to September... My aunt passed away (due to Cancer) on the 6th. Of course I was upset and even had a few cries with him. On the 10th, his phone was unlocked and on the bed. Once again, paranoia hit me so I checked his search history hoping to find nothing... I did. A website called Lusty locals with pictures of some amazing looking women showing off their best parts. Jealous much, yes! I took a screen shot, again to keep safe if I ever confront him! I checked his whatsapp messages and didn't find anything like last time so I left the phone next to him

The same feeling, the awkwardness, the paranoia, the self worthless, my self confidence was all knocked over... Again. By the same man I called my husband. He didn't have a clue I know though cos again. I didn't bring anything up!

In December, the govt allowed us to mix for Christmas day so he wished to go to his brothers house. Govt guidelines also stated that we should stay local, and to not mix with more than one more family. (His brothers house would have been 2 hours away and had 4 families mixing in total).. Covid has already made everyone feel anxious but I had it double, plus I have MS so I decided I wouldn't be going and i'll be looking out for myself. We had a huge fight. I eventually told him I have anxiety and told him how it makes me feel (nothing else). He listened. He thanked me for telling him how I feel. Nothing more.. Anyway..

Last week he made a few horrible remarks about our fight in December and not having a care in the world about my anxiety, I just got fed up with him and said there is something I need to talk about and it's very serious. That was the point I couldn't take it anymore. We had many arguments over the months since July and I always, always just pushed past it. Sometimes it was his fault and I got apologies. Sometimes it was mine, sometimes he decided to push it on to me. I have self destructed myself along these months due to his actions. I should have just said it from the beginning but for me, it had to be done on strike 3!

We went for a walk on sunday and throughout the whole day I had it in my head how I was going to say it, and how i'd literally cuss him but when the time came... I couldn't get my words out. My heart was racing so fast and looking at him just made me feel like i'm doing something so awful! In the end, I asked him straight up to be honest with me if he watches porn. His reply was "umm, yeah. Sometimes. Lately"... I started walking, and said so who's Alice (the lady who he was talking to asking for a sex show).. He said he doesn't have a clue. I asked him 3 times until I said that's fine. I'll show you. I dug out the texts, and showed him the first. In that whole conversation I shouted, I cried and I just went silent. A girl of so many words, had nothing to say. He said nothing happened with the sex video. He didn't go ahead with it and he promised he didn't while he said sorry to me about a 100 times. Do I believe him? Do I accept his apologies? No.

Since then he has apologised. Said he wouldn't do it again. Said it was out of frustration and he wouldn't do it again and next time will talk to me. Said sorry..... That's it. I have finally in this conversation taken a stand. Had a back bone cos I spoke about it and said I don't accept anything you have to say. It has been 5 days, we're barely having a conversation. When he asked me if i'm ok a few days ago I said i'm trying... Ever since he hasn't even asked if i'm ok. Not spoken about it. Nothing.

I have so much to say but is it worth it? I've told him what it's done to me as a person but he still has nothing to ask or say anymore.. He says he loves me and wouldn't ever dream of walking away... But what do I do. Do I talk to a dead wall and get nothing or do I continue to destruct myself and keep it inside of me. We're a young couple looking for a house, and we were meant to begin to try for a baby from next month. I can't stand him giving me a hug or touching me let alone having sex. The thought of that makes me feel sick and freaks me out. I can't think of having sex or being intimate with him. I knew of things before but after some time I could but I don't think i'll be ok this time. It seems harder to get over this hurdle than it was before. I'm confused what to do. I don't want to leave him. I do want to give our marriage another chance, but can I? Can porn really destroy a marriage?

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I don’t think it’s the porn in itself but the secrets and lies. You need to ask yourself if you really want to be with a man you don’t trust. As someone who married the wrong man and stayed with him too long, I feel that planning a baby and buying a house at this point in time would be a big mistake. Only you know if you can forgive his deception and move on from it, but if you can’t, you need to walk away. I would suggest marriage counseling and/or a trial separation. A counselor might be able to help you get your feelings across to him and see if he really does regret his actions or is just trying to smooth things over.

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Wow it read like a novel … I take it ANON you do have MS as you you kind of only mentioned it briefly. I struggle to read a lot of text but i don’t remember seeing anything about how your MS affects you, etc.

OK you are making a huge mountain out of molehill. PORN well hell i have watched porn and no i wont go ANON, as for me why not its not unusual many people watch it. A lot of T.V. series now have light porn titillation that is openly watched.

Your husband I assume is a young man. He is married to someone with MS. Believe me you will have been difficult to live with sometimes we all are, as we suffer mood swings, ups and downs, feel poopy and just plain fed up.

You don’t mention anything about your MS.

You broke the code of trust in marriage by looking at his phone, then you decided to screen shot/ everyone has a right to some privacy and yes secrecy. He knew he would upset you perhaps have you thought he left his phone there for you to actually see it, so you could see he was desperate HIMSELF for love. Perhaps he too is suffering anxiety and depression? He has a need like we all do, to being held and feeling wanted. Perhaps you haven’t made him feel needed.

Marriage is a two way partnership. What is he guilty of? He obviously felt lonely and in despair himself and needed some sort of release and reassurance himself. So he booked a video he said he didnt go ahead with it, perhaps he didn’t, that is not the issue. The issue is why did he feel the need to do it in the first place

I was married for 30 wonderful years with the love of my life. Before I got sick with MS and he got too sick with his COPD, we would watch PORN TOGETHER. Yep lol. SHOCK HORROR nah. Just we could as we felt that comfortable with each other. No secrets open marriage we could talk about anything and everything.

You say you are anxious and have anxiety your making it worse by your silence.

Sit him down maybe go for a walk together and really talk to him. Tell him how you really feel, ask him is he alright?

Is there something worrying him? Men have feelings and a lot of pressure you know without all the stuff with covid. Men have higher suicide rates too. Men cant always talk about what is bothering them. I have a feeling something is bothering this man. I have heard it before I love you I wont leave you, sometimes can mean placation, I cant cope anymore but don’t have the guts to leave… i feel his pain actually something not right here.

You obviously cant go on like this that is for sure. Its not doing either of you any good, and you cant repair it with putting more stress on him to provide a home and become a father.

You have to stop obsessing about the porn and what he did. he said sorry, you have to move on from that, and start from scratch a new start a new honestly and a new openness.

Maybe ask him what does he see in porn, can you show me? Its fun the worse thing people can do is make it out to be so dirty that they have to hide it away and feel shameful and this is when it becomes an OBSESSION.

CONVERSATION in a marriage is the most important thing. No laying blame on each other, tell him straight you could write all that down now you can tell him how you feel and where you want your marriage to go.

I think we are all in a bad place right now, stressed, anxious, uncertain, and if he felt that some porn would help him well it was what he needed, but i don’t think he is being secretive at all, know way as there is know way he would have left his phone open on his chest for you to see if he didn’t want you to see it.

THAT iS my perceptions of it, i am not a counsellor, just giving you my thoughts on it. I think you need professional counselling as there seems to me to be other issues in the back of your mind you haven’t spoken about and I feel he needs help too.

How did you meet and why did you get married, how old are you, did you have a hard childhood so many things need discussing but not on here, with a counsellor. FOR YOU BOTH.

I learnt from my first marriage when i was 18 marriage is hard work, i was married to a bully a drunk for 12 years who abused me BUT he had so many issues from his childhood i wasn’t aware of which made him like he was. It changed my perception on things and made me realise our past can turn our future into a catalyst of uncertainty if we never let it go and move forward.

Take care. x

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CC, exactly what I would have written myself. There’s a problem here and it isn’t the porn. Contemplating huge decisions like a house or creating another life is something to be avoided while the relationship is in such turmoil. Neither of these commitments are a Band Aid, a sticking plaster over a wound. The wound needs to be examined, anything within taken from it or it will fester and become septic. The poison will infiltrate your relationship and even if it seems to ‘be okay’ initially, after a few conversations, (because nobody wants to live with a bad atmosphere do they?) unless it is completely dissected and thrashed out, ideally with a counselor who is trained and impartial, I believe it will forever be a spectre in the background of the marriage. Tread carefully.

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Hi anon, I feel the same as the others who replied. Your marriage has more than porn causing trouble.

Your problems are closer to home than porn and you need to be more open with your husband. Now is the wrong time to be planning a baby.

Sorry to be harsh, but this cant go on.

Boudsx

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CC and Poppy, well said. Excellent post CC.

Sue

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Hi all,

Thank you for taking time out to read the post and replying back. I realise I didn’t give any background on either of us, so here goes…

We both met at University in 2005. We were friends who ended up liking each other so we began to date. What I found out 9 months into the relationship was that he was married (they were separated but he was still legally married to her). Obviously it was a shock to me as I didn’t want to be with a married guy so we parted ways. Soon after, I had my first symptoms for MS with numbing headaches in 2006. Went to the GP who gave me migraine tablets, and that was that. 6 months into the second year at uni, I was admitted to hospital with numbness all down the left side of my body and was there for 2 weeks with no coordination and not able to do anything/pick up anything while the Drs tried to figure out what was wrong with me. The evening of when I had my lumbar puncture is when I had a surprise visit from him because the news spread across our group of uni friends that I was in hospital. He mentioned he’s gone through a divorce and I appreciated he came to see me. We spoke less but still remained distanced friends throughout the rest of uni. Once we finished uni, fast forward 7 years, we didn’t speak when one day he wished me happy birthday on Facebook. We began talking and didn’t stop, just like we first did and we went from knowing each other to becoming best friends. We continued to talk and 3 years later in 2018 we got engaged because we both wanted it, and got married 8 months after in the same year

I appreciate how he could also be going through the same anxiety, or issues in his head but i’ve constantly asked him how he is and he’s always spoken about normal things. No sign of anything other than feeling happy with what we have. I know how it feels to be clouded in your mind and heart, as my mum went through a phase of depression and anxiety when her sister suddenly passed away. I’ve never let him feel as though he isn’t listened to, or I don’t let him speak his mind. He always has and at any point in arguments, he seems to have his male ego come in front of him not allowing him to take the responsibility of him being in the wrong. We had a chat yesterday regarding this whole thing and he decided to bring me into it that’s it’s my fault due to my MS and I think that’s what has killed me

When we decided to get married I told him A to Z how my MS affects me. He has known from the day I was diagnosed in 2007, until now that i’m not a ‘normal’ person even though I look absolutely normal. He has always said he understands which he does in many ways but of course, how can anyone who doesn’t have MS know it all. I get that. I even said I may not be able to give him a ‘normal’ life and he just wanted to be with me not caring about anything else/even having children. Until today, if I have an off day/any worsened symptoms/anything new troubling me, I tell him. He has always known. I have never complained about my MS, and all of our conversations are not about it - just enough that he knows what is going on

His first marriage while we were at Uni ended because she was cheating on him. A childhood mistake from them both. Until today, I haven’t ever bought that up because it isn’t and wasn’t my issue. He broke our marriage trust by looking at my phone first while I was in the shower all because I was texting a cousin of mine talking about a mutual friend of ours (which I had already told my husband about), but he had trust issues. He ended up questioning the conversation and apologised for going into my phone - I didn’t once argue or get annoyed at him for doing so because I didn’t do anything wrong nor is there anything secretive on my phone other than when i’m looking at what to buy him for his birthday!

He on the other hand kept his phone hidden because there were things on there I wasn’t supposed to see. I get that and maybe I am making a big thing of the porn, but it is what has shattered me the most. I haven’t until this day ever said no or pushed him away when he has wanted sex. A few times i’ve gone to bed after him because i’m doing a few jobs around the house, but nothing to make him feel unwanted because HE has always said, that’s fine. Not that i’ve asked for permission, don’t get me wrong but he has said it in passing. Yesterday I asked what’s so good about porn that I can’t give you, and he had nothing to say other than bring up my MS. I’ve seen it 3 times so i’m sure it happens many other times, even during working hours while we have set our work stations in the house in different spots (only to get some work done). I have a few issues with mobility from time to time, yes I have many mood swings but i’m the kind of person that it lasts for a short while and i’m then ok. Other than that, I have hidden symptoms like pins and needles, numbness in my hands and feet, headaches, double vision. These days my hands are giving up on me from time to time, but again, nothing major and for him to blame me and bring it up. Having MS is a touchy subject for me and i’m sure many of us too, but it just kills me that he has said this. I’m not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me or show sympathy, I just need some advice on what I am supposed to do/how do I handle when my MS comes into the whole situation of him watching and getting off on porn

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your m s has nothing to do with your husband watching porn.

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Sometimes, things just come to a natural end in a relationship. It might not be a mutual decision, it might be a one sided natural death of what was. I can’t help wondering if this is where your relationship might be now, despite his denials.

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I can’t help but feel that this relationship could do with a bit more honesty, understanding, conversation, and thought about its future.

After he’d lied (maybe just by omission, but still!) about being married for 9 months in the original relationship, did it never occur to you that this man might just tell the occasional fib again? Perhaps again, just by not being as open as you thought he was?

Then again, suggesting that MS is a ‘touchy subject’ for you seems odd to me. MS is a physical (maybe cognitive too) illness, why would talking about your symptoms be wrong? If he reignited your friendship by visiting you in hospital, it’s not like he doesn’t know you have MS!

And why would your having MS have anything to do with your husband watching porn? (See Cracowians post above - straightforward but true!)

Why are you spilling all your feelings out to us (anonymously but still) rather than talking to him?

If you can’t bring yourselves to be honest with one another, to be accepting of each other (and yes, watching porn is a perfectly natural thing to do even if it’s not necessarily something you’re into and there is an argument that it’s wrong from a feminist standpoint), for you to realise that MS symptoms aren’t a ‘dirty little secret’ and to start talking, then maybe Poppy is right.

Lets face it, it sounds like out of all the years you’ve know each other, you were better friends than lovers/partners.

Sue

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That’s normal that your husband watches porn. You don’t have to worry.

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Don’t all men watch porn? I’m sorry I didn’t read your whole story - maybe there is more to it than that.

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Porn with the wife is better together 21yers exp :blush: