I hadn’t realised just how badly this week or 2 of severe pain and numbness had hit me, until my friend who was meant to be dropping me at my new doctors to drop off the registration forms today, forgot and i was hit again with the fear that i would have to force myself to make the walk and do it. I did it, even though I still had reservations about how i would be treated, but i suppose nothing ventured, nothing gained. But not before I had a big breakdown moment. I was having a major invisible flea time so was agitated anyway, but I just lost it completely, i have not cried that hard or felt such despair for quite a while I kept thinking to myself, i don’t wanna go to the doctors, i don’t want the possibility of this being real, i don’t like this ect… I suffer from depression and anxiety anyway, but that has not been too bad recently. Until I was made to do nervewracking things at work yesterday, and my twitches increased, some of which may be anxiety related but being made to do scary stuff didn’t help, then i was stuck in a hot meeting, and the pain in my foot started, and numbness and i could feel it working its way up past my ankle, so i got scared, and i tried to keep readjusting my position cos i thought maybe its cos i was sitting with my legs crossed (bad for veins so my mum says) but even sitting “in the proper position” as my mum calls it, it was still there and my left leg was completely numb until i got home and started to cool down.
I always thought I could deal with emotions, at least to a degree of still just about functioning, but its like im fighting battles on 2 fronts, and dealing with the physical one is more scary, but the emotional one is easier, but if i don;t try and deal with the physical one i won’t be able to do anything.
Arrghhh I’m all over the place