Hi all, some of you know I’ve had 3 nasty infections since February. 2 are clearing, the 3rd is worsening. I’ve felt rough & fed up. My mask of Mrs Positive is slipping more often.
The gp has been supportive, their Snr Nurse brilliant (her dad has ppms). Yet I feel cross at the amount of meds I take each day, around 12 on script plus 4 health benefit vits. No-one is removing any repeat meds & this surely can’t be good.
I had to return to hospital last week due to pain & very high b.p. So now I’ve had B.P. tablets added to my repeat script.
When in hospital, there was a lovely lady, Jan, with SPMS who could only move one of her arms, speak a little and had vision only from 1 eye. Jan laughed with me & visitors and slid down her bed, having to ask my sister to press the nurse call button so she could be lifted back in her seating position. She was spoon fed & needed someone to put her baby cup with a lip to drink sips.
I can’t get Jan out of my mind & keep thinking her position is my future, I know I’m losing hope. It’s not depression, just the continuous fight to carry on. I’d never end my life but in all honesty, I can’t currently see what use I am to my family & friends. I’m just someone who relies on them! Despite all of the platitudes, I know I’m already an extra load on my hubby & daughter shoulders, I really can’t bear the thought of being bedridden and a total burden! I’m SO Sorry if my thoughts will affect those who are bedridden like Jan. I really don’t want to be dismissive of how lucky I am being able to get out and about in my chair now & again.
Sorry to ramble & moan when there’s many much worse off, but I can’t release these feelings to my family or the few friends who remain my friends. I held a good job in my career as a Consultant to financial advisors, made many customers better off with their investments. I became a Consultant investigator of rogue financial advisors, a new company car every 4 months based on high mileage I used to regularly fly to Glasgow on business staying in good hotels. I remember my lovely childhood and most things up to age 50. Then it’s just been downhill with no hope.