Forum

Feel abit of an idiot.... Not exactly MS...

Hi all,

I know this isn’t really forum material but just needed to have a moan/cry…

In the last year I have been hurt very badly and totally heart broken. My life was turned upside down and I can honestly say, at the time I seriously hit rock bottom and couldn’t see myself getting over it.

But… As we do, we pick ourselves up, take each day at a time and slowly things get better…

Being a hopeless romantic and wanting to love and be loved, I have just decided to join a dating site!!! I’m only 35 and apart from the MS don’t have a huge amount of baggage! just maybe a little cautious of being hurt again…

Anyway, another trait of mine is I like to be honest and up front, so on my profile on the dating site I admitted to having MS… i’'ve had 4 messages now from gentlemen saying that although they like my pictures etc on reading my profile and discovering I have MS they realise I’m not the one!!!

Can’t help feeling it’s like kicking a girl when she’s down and I have to admit to being terrified I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone :frowning:

Sorry for the moan, just needed to get it off my chest.

Char

xxx

Hi there Char,

I am saddened to hear about these no-good fellas who have turned you down just because you have this MonSter we all share. However on the positive side, I agree with Rebecca, these shallow men are just not worthy of your love, and you would surely not want to be with them.

Without going into too much detail, I too have had my heart broken, and been hurt, and in the deep depths of depression quite a few times during my 30s, so I really know where you are coming from, however, heres some hope for you, it took me numerous dates, with different men to finally meet my man, who I have to say is now my hubby, ( we got wed last year) and I am nearly 44, ( we met when I was 41)

So please honey, try not to get too down, I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe just enjoy some fun dates whilst you are seeking out that man of your dreams. He will be out there somewhere, and will probably turn up when/where you least expect it!

Stay strong my lovey, sending you love and warm hugs,

Liz

xxxx

Oh Char, that is the most awful thing, I really feel for you. But look on the other side of it, you’ve had a narrow escape from such shallow, heartless, unworthy people.

Don’t let the stupid people put you off, there are men out there that are caring and have the capacity to see further than an illness.

Remember you have lots to give and you’re not asking to much out of life to be loved and wanted, after all basically that’s what we all want.

You will find someone who’s worth loving just give yourself time.

Janet x (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

Can’t help but agree with the others. It sounds very odd and unfeeling to go out of their way to contact someone, just to tell them they sound great, but their health rules them out.

Are these unsolicited contacts, or guys you’ve contacted first? If the latter, then I suppose they’re only trying to be honest (as you wanted to be yourself) about it not being something they’re comfortable with. I suppose they thought it was slightly politer than not replying at all.

But if, on the other hand, you’ve never approached these men, I really can’t work out what’s going through their minds, to write to a someone, just to explain why they’re ruling them out.

I’ve been on dating sites before (not recently, before I was ill), and I seemed to get quite a lot of weird dudes, even then. I could never understand why anyone would write, just to say they weren’t interested (Well, write to someone you are, then! )

There was also a high proportion who were quite blatant about the fact they were married and/or wanting a bit of “no-strings fun”. I’m not being puritanical about it, but why would I say to anybody: “OK, yeah, you can use me!”?

Then there were the ones who wrote: “I’ve got three kids, but don’t worry, I never see them…”

Hmmm. Not much of a selling point, to sire three children and then abandon them, is it?

I’m not saying there aren’t any good eggs out there - and perhaps you might be lucky - but I have to admit I got very disillusioned with it.

Tina

x

I know this is not really to the point, but…what on earth is that woman doing on the e.harmony advert? she seems to be sranding on a table…painting a chair (that is also on the table)…what’s that about?

good luck anyway, just ignore them, my friend seems to have met ‘the one’ after a few false starts (given her some really funny tales to tell) don’t dwell on it, it’s really not worth it.

Alison x

You’re not alone - I’ve been a widow since I was 34 (husband decided to drink himself to death 2 weeks before my 35th birthday, I’m now 37) and, as I don’t really go places where I might meet somebody new, I joined a dating site. I stayed on it for about a year, went on quite a few dates, sadly none of them came to anything, but I have actually made a really good friend out of it (he’s not interested in me as anything more than a friend). I did find that you do need to have a very thick skin because there are a lot of idiots on these sites - I did what you’ve done and said on my profile about the MS so that they knew before they contacted me - I walk with a stick, and it’s obvious that there’s something wrong.

That’s horrible of those blokes to send you messages like that - I didn’t get anything like that, but at times I felt that the dates I met were just ticking a box (date a disabled one - done!) - that’s probably unfair to them, but that was the impression I got, and no matter how well the date seemed to go, I would only ever meet these guys once and then never hear from them again.

I eventually got bored and disillusioned with the whole thing, I have better things to spend my money on than having my self-confidence shattered time and time again - apart from the idiots, there were quite a few con artists who thought I was an easy target - be wary of sob stories.

It didn’t work for me, but it does seem to work for some people - you’re doing the right thing by giving it a go, you’ll know when and if it’s time to stop.

Luisa x

Thank you everyone so much for your replies. I have to admit I feel better for writing it and getting it out of my system a bit. I’m still very saddened that My MS is causing me yet another barrier to something, but you’re right, 'Do I really want someone like that in my life anyway! I won’t give up just yet, but what will be will be…

Thank you all again

Char

xxx

Hi Just want to let you know that six years ago I met the most wonderful man when I had resigned myself to being alone at 40 because of this disease. I had stopped believing I would ever have a loving relationship again so I wasn’t even “looking”. I met the love of my life by accident, we were friends at first and he knew from the outset I had MS, we bought a house together four years ago (and now have four cats!!!). My MS has got considerably worse and from being able to walk to now being a full-time wheelchair user he has been my rock and has been 100 percent supportive through my worst relapses, carrying me to the loo and to/from bed and helping to shower me and seen me pee myself when I lost control of my bladder. And, he’s six foot tall, incredibly good looking AND ten years younger than me. I would say stop looking, live your life, be happy and keep laughing. I know it’s bl**dy difficult but when your not trying too hard and relax you may just meet ‘the one’. I did. Tracy

Hi Char,

sorry your feeling down, but you will meet someone worthy of you, someday and probably when you arent even looking, avoid those dating sites, there are some real weirdos out there,some just join to pick out vulnerable people,

could you join a nightschool class or even a day class,to get you meeting people,can you get to your local MS therapy centre just to chat with others,or even doing a bit of voluntary work,to get you meeting new people,good luck !!

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

jaki xx

Hi All,

It’s so nice to hear people have found love slightly later in like and post MS. I’m so happy for you all and hope that it happens for me

I work Jaki so don’t have a lot of time for classes or things like that but I’m not going to give up hope

Char

xxx

Hi Char, so sorry to see you are having more upsets in the love life area.

These men who bothered to contact you to say youre not the one for them, are not worthy of your attention at all. In fact they dont deserve the attention of anyone if they can`t see how cruel they were to treat you so callously.

Chuff em, i say. You are a very loving person, with standards and have a lot to give..to your MR Right.......hell be along one day, when you`re not looking for him.

lots of luv, Pollx

Me again Char…just had another thought…can you tell the dating agency to somehow stop these kind of messages getting sent to you, as they are upsetting and downright pointless? id think twice about handing my money over to an agency who cant sort this out.

luv Pollx

Sorry Poll, but ooo…er. So should the agency read EVERY message that anyone sends to anyone, and sensor them? Sorry, I can’t see this working - they’d lose a lot of members. What about privacy and freedom of speech?

Besides, unless a message is blatantly harassing, threatening, or offensive, who’s to say that it ought not to be sent? As far as I can see, none of these messages were of that type. They may not have shown a lot of tact, but I doubt they were sent with the intention of causing distress. I don’t think a dating agency has any business deleting messages that were simply odd or thoughtless, but without being malicious.

I don’t know what prompts somebody to write something like: “I’d be interested, if you didn’t have MS”. I guess they’re just socially inept, and might even have the misguided idea they’re being encouraging by saying they liked the profile, without realising how deflating the “BUT” bit is.

I’m guessing if dating agencies banned messages only on the basis of being dumb or pointless, they’d do hardly any business.

It’s been many years since I bothered at all, but I think about 80% of messages I got were dumb or pointless, although very few were overtly hostile. You get the odd few, even of those. Some men (possibly women as well, though I wouldn’t know about that) seem to go there with a chip on their shoulder, and think no woman would have them. So accordingly, they think the best form of defence is attack: approach somebody you don’t know, and single out something you DIDN’T like about her profile. Then, if she doesn’t respond, or responds tit-for-tat, say: “See, I was right: they’re all b*tches”.

T.

Hi Tina, I get what youre saying, but maybe Im too soft about hurting someone`s feelings.

luv Pollx

Give them the curtesy of a reply “Thanks for the comment - it’s saved me a lot of trouble as you are obviously not the one for me either!”

Love that AnnAlf, thank you

Char

xxx