In 2011 I was in hospiatal with Encephalitis and meningitis. I recovered - allegedly remarkably well - but within a few months I started complaining of mood swings and pain. The doctors fobbed me off with Post Encephalitic syndrome and a load of neuropathic painkillers. Over the years I’ve tried to manage the symptoms, And genuinely believe I do a good job for the most part, but my partner struggles to see the difference between my fear and my anger and has convinced herself that I don’t love her which is the furthest thing from the truth; I adore her and she is my rock but over the years the petty arguing and my mood swings have taken their toll and she can’t remember who I am anymore and has left me. 4 days later I received a letter of the specialist and called her; a series of recent MRIs show that there has been a long period of inflammation to my brain and spine again and they are now certain I have MS - it is also clear that my behaviour - the bizarrely sporadic but ads kicking depression, the anxiety and how tiny things that would never usually bother me blow up, especially in the mornings is no doubt being affected by the inflammation. Before the illness I was always the main care giver in the relationship - always cooking, cleaning etc. I left home young so I’m very self sufficient. As I’ve struggled with that Daisy has struggled to pick up the ‘slack’. In my head this has been “why is she so lazy? Can’t she see that I need help?” and it builds into a ‘re envoys resentment - but I known it’s irrational and I really appreciate everything she does for me, so I keep it down… Until we argue and suddenly I’m bringing it up like I mean it - like it’s been bothering me when it really really hasn’t :’( I want my partner to come back - I’m so alone and scared. I’m also confused; I can’t see how we got to this, it’s been such a whirlwind of emotions ove the last few months I can barely remember what has happened never mind why - all I know is that it isnt either of our faults and we can move forward now we have a diagnosis. She doesn’t believe me though and wants to be happy and has told me to my face (albeit before the diagnosis) that she thinks she will be happier with someone else and that with everything this year the magic had gone. We’ve been together 8 years and got engaged 3 years ago. My love for her hasnt changed at all and for me, seeing her smile or hearing her calling “hello!” When she walks through the door are just as magical now as when I first met her. Weve beaten so much adversity in the past and come through stronger, I’ve supported her with every thing and always been kind and affectionate but it seems even that ismt enough in the face of MS. I don’t blame her - she didn’t sign up to this - but it’s breaking my heart feeling this abandoned after so many great years together.
Hi, You have expressed your loneliness and desperation very well and I can easily understand what you are feeling. I can’t tell you how to rebuild your relationship, but perhaps someone else here can give you some advice about how. There are a lot of things going on and I think you need to be able to separate which mental states are caused by inflammation or damage to the brain and what emotional turmoil is the result of the breakdown in your relationship. You could ask your GP for a referral to a neuropsychologist. A neuropsychologist is a psychologist who specialises in understanding the relationship between the physical brain and behaviour. Best wishes, Anthony
It’s very difficult to comment on someone else’s relationship problems. But I’ll try, please excuse me for getting things wrong.
It sounds to me that perhaps your anger and resentment, regardless of the cause, has meant that Daisy has just walked away from the relationship. You have said it’s been years of bad temper and mood swings. That can be very difficult to come back from.
But, as Anthony said, you’ve expressed your feelings very well to us. Have you tried writing down what has happened to you and your love for Daisy and sending it to her?
You should be sure though, that your need for Daisy is not just because you are frightened of being alone in the scary new world of MS. And that you make clear to her that it is love and not fear that makes you so certain that the two of you can recover your relationship.
Obviously, Daisy didn’t sign up for living with MS, but neither did you. And perhaps you need to get your head around having MS before asking someone else to.
I wish you the best of luck both with your MS and with Daisy.
Thanks. I’m feeling a lot better now. The initial shock made me feel abandoned and lost but ive spent the week reflecting and a lot makes sense As I said - for the past 5 years I have been treated for the wrong illness and have obviously been having attacks; throughout this time I have constantly fought the doctors, who have spent 5 years telling me it was all in my head, and building a new career (I got medically retired from my last job) - it’s been pretty stressful. Throughout that I asked my ex for help - minor things; don’t leave all the cooking/ cleaning for me, give me ten minutes in the morning to take my meds and potter about and she has refused throughout - occasionally throwing herself into it and then inevitably burning out days later but mostly just letting me do everything, deal with everything and make every major decision. The mood swings I described are anxiety/ depression - which like I say I dealt with fairly well. The arguing was generally daisy and her insecurities and then me over reacting to what she was saying because of the emotional lability. I do love her very much, but the general consensus amongst our friends is that she lacks emotional maturity and has not helped me these last 5 years - in fact she has probably made things a tiny bit worse - as the emotions settle I’m inclined to agree