Hi, I have sence my diagnose a year ago been in an emotional rollercoster and right now Im feeling realy low and just want to wright it off…
For the latest cupel of months have I started to close my self up to my boyfriend, who´s the onley one I juse to let in… But nowadays our days always ends with me geting angry or frustraded about things I cant do or are afraid of that I wont be abel to do in the future, thats a constant everyday nagging thought that I have and I cant get out of it… So everytime that I drop a glass in the flor(witch hapens almost everytime I try to do something when I´m tired or have carried something for a while whitin an houer before…), or the worst thing that torns on my relationship is my opsession whit him doing the household work when I feel it should be done, my bf is a litel bit slow, ad it has nagged me before sense we both are quite messy peopel so it has to be done regalary… but if he hasent done it when I think I get frustrated and angry, becourse i´m afraid that he is lazy and one day will find oute that he dosent bere to share his life whit someone that need help… (which i dont like to ask for eighter…) I have talked to him aboute it and he says that he understands what MSlife might culd meen, and that he will be there for me, but I´m still afraid that he will find out one day that he dosent cope any more, and I think it´s this fere of beeing in a looong relationship and when I might be at my worst, also be left, that makes me so angry and… yea… I dosen´t men to get angry, and it´s over petty things , and I always regret it afterwards… I hate to be like this… I´m always crying and missing him like he was dying when he is away from home, especially if it will be for a coupel of days, and as soon as he gets home I become a soucha b***. This isn´t me… I jused to be the fun and cherefull girl that liked life even though I already had atlest two chronical decises, but to be diagnosed with MS to, made the cup fludd over… I just want to be me again…
I wish I had someone closer to talk to but, as I sayd, I dont let anyone in, I gave the MS shrink a go for an half a year ago but she didn´t think that I was feeling down becorse of the MS but becorse of my focus on being afraid of the needles that I had to take every night(have had a huge needle fright sense I was five) and she sad taht I shuld try some mindfullness exersises and it all shuld get over soon…
Oh dear, we are often our own worst enemies, aren`t we?
I do understand very well, the way you describe your feelings and fears, it is how I am sometimes. All sorts of scenarios run through my mind too, but these thoughts are destructive, so we have to keep them in check. We have to be careful, or we will push our partners away, even without meaning to.
Some people act in a bad way, because they feel guilty for having an illness and they hate to hold someone back from a life they`d rather have. But when they love us dearly, we have to stop and think how our behaviour is hurting them.
it does sound to me as if you could be depressed. maybe a visit to your GP would help. There could be something that can help you return to the happy girl you used to be.
These rotten deseases rob us of so much, but please dont let it rob you of a man who does love you.
I agree with everything that Poll has said. You do sound very low and perhaps your GP could help you there or offer counselling with someone who could help.
Your boyfriend sounds as if he really does care about you so try and take care of eachother. It is difficult for you but also difficult for him. My hubby worries about me terribly and this causes him a lot of stress.
Yes, l think you should make sure your GP knows just what you are going through. Your thoughts and feelings sound quite distructive. By that l mean, you are doing and saying things that you really wish you could stop doing as you might drive away the very person who is trying to love and care for you. lts certainly, not unusual for people with MS to feel like you do. Many of us are on Amitriptyline - which does help with mood - and is a mild anti-depressant. lts a very useful med as it helps with many symptoms.
l also take LDN - which for me has changed my life - l feel very positive and upbeat - never feel at the depths of dispair - like l did.
Make sure you take your Vitamin D3 Magnesium and Vit B12. You only have to google vitamin d3/magnesium Deficiency MS and the same for Vitamin B12 deficiency MS. Both of these important vitamins will help with mood/depression/ brain alertness/memory/ and many other symptoms.
Don’t self distruct - ask for help - and also help yourself by looking into what you can do to make things work better for you.
I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. I do think the mindfulness suggestion could help. It stops you focusing on the negative thoughts - which are just passing thoughts, not reality - and to live more enjoying the now. I also think some support via your GP is called for. Perhaps Relate if it’s affecting your relationship? They do see people on their own at times I believe. Take care. xx
I had a really tough time last year, autumn and winter, but went to the GP and went back on cipralex 10mg (antidepressant) and started LDN again and I must admit life seems more positive again, even tough my Dad died in July, I have been able to pick myself up again…I would love to be free of antidepressants but MS can affect the “happy” part of our brain, so if a tablet helps me, so be it, because, I don’t want to return to the dark place that I was in last year…I will go back to the GP shortly for a catch up or review but depression seems to go with MS, not everyone, but quite a few of us…help is there for you…grab it…
Tis is my 3rd attempt at posting a reply…this damn trackball mouse…As I was trying to say, emotions definiterly do kick off sometimes…HIGHS & lows… & where i’m concerned its a real mish- mash.
I do tell my wife I love her and I’m sure she’s fed up with me saying sorry…as for the kids?
Anyone else can stew!
Do onto others…comes to mind.
I don’t really enjoy stewing in my own juices though…
Careful Now, for your own sake,
Jonny be Good
p.s. I take Citalopram (its an anti-depressant I think)