Divorcing husband with MS - should he get the house?

Everyday living
1

Husband (soon to be ex) has requested that he remain in the house until our youngest child is 18, - 13 years from now.

My solicitor has told me that this is often an arrangement that is reached for the parent who has majority residency of the children - but this isn’t the case for us.

However, I would love to be able to facilitate this, especially while the children are school age. They are settled in the area, and close to school.
The fact that ex remains in the house is no problem for me.

In any other situation, there would be a settlement, and I would be ‘bought out’ by Ex so that he remains in the house.
In this situation, Ex isn’t currently working, and cannot therefore buy me out.
Ex has MS and is unsure of when he will be able to work again, and when he will be able to get a sole mortgage.
Therefore for Ex to remain in the house means that my name has to remain on the mortgage.
In principle, I would have no problem with my name remaining on the mortgage, but I have been advised that this would mean that I cannot get another mortgage, which again, affects my ability to provide a home for my family other than rented accommodation.

In addition, the house is my only asset. If I leave my money tied up in the house, I will never have the capital for a deposit on a new home for myself and my family.

If I had enough money to support myself, it would be no problem for me for Ex to remain in the house.

Another added ‘complication’ is that when Ex was diagnosed with MS in 2009 (5 years ago) we received a payout on a serious illness policy (which we both held, in case of emergencies). Our mortgage was previously £140K, and we paid off half, reducing it to £70K.
Currently, the house is worth approx £190K, mortgage is £70K, so equity is approx £120K.
Ex feels that at the point of splitting equity in the house, he should receive the £70K off the top of the equity before splitting the remainder 50/50.
He feels that he is entitled to the £70K off the top because it was his policy that paid out, and he will possibly have extra needs throughout his life and is unable to work.
Ex might (or might not) be able to work again, nobody knows.
My solicitor has advised me that although this was a policy in Ex’s name that paid out, the courts generally look at the marriage as a ‘whole’.
For example, for a number of years, I earnt more than Ex, and I also continued to work after he stopped looking for work and was placed on ESA, but this wouldn’t be taken into account when splitting equity - because anything that happened within the marriage is joint.
So, for a monetary example, if the house sold now, he would receive £95K and I would receive £25K.
He has said (verbally) that he would consider splitting the equity 70/30 in his favour, but that this would be the lowest he’d go.
This would mean that if the house sold now, Ex would receive £84K and I would receive £36K.

I really want to be able to purchase a home for my family in approx 2 years once I have finished my degree and am working.
I realise that this means I probably need the house to be sold, but in reality, it makes me feel very guilty that Ex will lose his home, and will likely not be able to purchase himself another property unless he begins to work again, or meets a partner who is able to contribute.

I am left with a number of questions unanswered in my head:
Do I force the sale, and leave Ex without a home (although he would have capital, he wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage)?
Do I settle for his offer of 70/30 equity in his favour (currently £84k for him and £36K for me) or push for 50/50 (and feel immense guilt)?
If I settled for a payoff of £36K (his best offer) is there any way he could raise this capital to buy me out and could one of his family take out the mortgage he needs to stay in the house?
Should I go to court, and let the court decide - mainly to take away the decision and resulting guilt on my part?

2

Hi Anon,

I know you have tagged this as emotional support but honestly I would not even try to venture an opinion. What you end up doing must be a decision between you and your family.

The fact that you are on here shows you are trying to appease everyone and at the end of the day that may help your feelings of guilt regardless of what happens.

I do wish you luck hun, take care

JBK xx

3

Sorry,

I agree with JBK that we can’t advise. Your solicitor is your best and only source of advice on this (unless you decide to change solicitors)

And even he can only set out your various options, and the pros and cons of each. Ultimately, he cannot tell you what you should do, as he takes instructions from you - his role is to implement your wishes. Though he might well have an opinion about which is the best option (he should be able to explain why), and would be failing in his duty if he didn’t explain any pitfalls associated with any of them.

You don’t have to do the one he prefers, though. Advice is only advice. If you want to do something different, he will happily proceed with that for you, as long as he is sure you have understood the risks or disadvantages.

Tina

4

Hello anon

When I divorced my first husband, the house was sold and the children came with me. I was awarded the largest share of the money due to my two children. The court made the decision in my situation due to it becoming quite messy.

Your husband will find another home, if you sell. Maybe one more suitable to his needs…I don’t know how disabled he is?

Make sure you have a good solicitor.

You and your husband are planning to get divorced and it’s going to be upsetting, to put it mildly. I could be wrong but there seems to be a lot of guilt running through your question re; your husband’s ms. I can promise you, even if your husband didn’t have ms, you would still feel guilty but it would be something else. I’m not judging you…are you judging yourself? It would be a mistake to make decisions based on guilt.

Good luck and I hope you find happiness

5

There is no such thing as a clean break when there are children involved - you will be co-parents for good - and it will be painful for you and your children to see your ex in financial trouble as well as whatever other sort of trouble lies ahead for him. I do think, though, that getting as close as you can to a financial clean break would be a good objective for you - and for him. The other thing that would be a good objective is being able to walk away from the relationship with your head held high, knowing that you have behaved as handsomely and generously as your most fierce critic (probably yourself) could ask. That way you get to to rebuild your life with a clean slate and a clear conscience. It seems to me from what you say that this is probably so important for you that practically any financial cost will be worth it. You have the rest of your working life to rebuild your finances, and you will get over a period of hard times in the short term and know that you have done the right thing. Good luck.

6

Is it possible your husband may qualify for a shared ownership/low cost home? If he has enough to buy a percentage share, would he be able to get housing benefit to cover the rental part? Just a thought, I’m not too sure how it works, and seems to be different in every area.