Bigh Heidi does Canada

This is a double post as I forgot zesterdaz and was at the Krankenhause this morning.

Morning Kids!

I hope you are you all well and had a decent night?

Well kids we made it onto the plane, stupid Heidi thinks she is her alter ego Marilyn Munroe so as she climbed the stairs to the aircraft the other passengers boarding were a bit urinated off by her behaviour of stopping and turning around and adopting seductive poses and liberally blowing kisses to no one in particular. Wee Hamish and the brood were getting impatient as she had knocked him off twice with her antics so he had to struggle up the stairs again…not easy when you are a wee haggis.

We were met at the door by the impeccably dressed stewards and stewardesses. The look of alarm on the stewards face as Big Heidi pressed her large bosom into him and said Hallo voy vot is your name. The only thing gone is her girlish tone to be replaced by a rasping 40 cigarettes a day 40 year old woman. The sheer look of horror on the poor steward’s face was a picture to behold.

Well we got settled and managed to get into the air, wee Hamish started the chanting here we go as soon as the plane had taxied for take off. As the wheels left the ground all three let out a rather long weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Fortunately, Uncle Rick didn’t feel the need for a wee lol. Trots and the girls were not as enthusiastic but sat squeezed into the one seat with the look of terror on their faces.

As soon as the unfasten your seat belts sign came on Big H was up out her seat and working her way up the aisle leaning into the male passengers asking Coffee, Tea or Me? The real stewardesses were a bit concerned about this, I heard two of them talking saying there is no way we can compete with her, have you seen the size of her chest?

What was more worrying was she had got hold of a barf bag, that is sickness bag to you and me and was collecting for the pilot. This is a quaint Scottish custom when your on a bus trip where a collection is made for the driver of the bus. However, one poor chap got so confused that he threw up into he bag when she thrust it under his nose. So I dragged her back to her seat as an elderly man turned a strange colour, more like a deathly pallor, after her visit. I told her enuff is enuff and that she would be put off the plane. She replied Oh Ja und voo ist going to do zat?

Well kids uncle Rick cannot wait till we land in Toronto so he can have his special wee glass of water and a lie down. Remember children to behave yourseleves, be kind to one another & always do what your mummies and daddies tell you to do.

Uncle Rick

Morning Kids,

Hope yoose are well today? Well Uncle Rick and the menagerie survived the flight and landed in a nice, sunny Toronto Pearson Airport after a more or less peaceful flight. I insisted the Big H. didn’t take the barf bag as a souvenir…she wanted to take one that had been used. That girl has no decorum. Well we managed down town without any major mishaps. While travelling via a taxi we stopped at the traffic lights and the 3 my little ponies were glued to the taxi window as a Policeman in a horse drew up beside us the ponies were really impressed by the size of the horse. Big H. of course was stuck to the front window eyeing up the Policeman…I think it is time to sit down with her and have the birds and the bees talk. She wound down the window and hung out the window and I do mean hung kids.

She then said Vot a big one zee hass. He of course increased in stature at that. However, kids I burst his bubble by telling him that she was referring to his horse. At that point kids the traffic lights changed and it is the first time I have seen a grown man sitting astride a horse in tears as we sped to our hotel the Trump International. This time I did not object to Big H. smuggling Hamish, Hector & C. U. Jimmy in her ample bosom, come on kids I am Scottish after all. I had sternly warned Big H. to keep the yodelling to the barest. Her chest touched the ceiling of the taxi as she let out a big sigh. The poor taxi driver was extremely worried as he could not see out his rear window. Plus the fact that he thought he was going to be stopped as Bi Heidi had her milking pails stuck out each side of the cab window.

When we got to the hotel the tourists we staring at big Heidi as she emerged in her usual ladylike fashion i.e. bum first and making a helllava noise as she struggled to get her milking pails dislodged from the taxi. I thought the poor bloody taxi driver was going to have a heart attack as he screamed “Mam my taxi!” I quietly thought buddy a taxi can be replaced but my sanity can not. As we swept into the hotel the doorman held the door open for us. A kid out with his mum shouted “Oh look mummy at the funny lady.” At that Big Heidi swung around towards the kid gave a large Humph and swung back, hitting the poor doorman in the face with her chesticles. He let out a loud scream and I thought great we are not even in the hotel and we will be sued for assault. Fortunately for us the poor guy was knocked out cold. So we just informed reception that a guest had pushed the door, with some force and knocked out their doorman lol. I think we got away with it.

I just hope they have some of my very strong water waiting for me in my room.

Take care kids and be good to one another and remember to do what your mummies and daddies tell you.

Well kids I think that is enuff excitement for our first 2 hours in Toronto.

Uncle Rick, Big H. and the weans.