Forum

Am I being unreasonable?

I don’t think so! The thing is my husband is my sole carer and does a pretty good job and I’m very grateful and I do appreciate it. He needs his own time, so he plays golf, three times a week. Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I go to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Friday. We are both retired. However, I don’t drive any more so am dependent on him to take me. It’s now competition season so he has an extra game on Sunday, and another on Monday, and has had to fit in with others to play. Monday is a problem, because there’s not enough time between my supervised/assisted gym session with an instructor finishing to get me home and him to the golf club for the tee off time. We can’t swap days, ie him take me to the gym on Tuesday instead because Tuesdays golf is also different next week, because he’s going off out of town for the whole day. So I offered to cancel my gym session. This resulted in a shouting match and him threatening to give up golf. I’ve never wanted that, it’s important for both of us for him to have that escape. Anyway I’ve cancelled, but I’m not happy, do you think I’m being unreasonable? Thank you for listening I needed to tell someone, although I feel a little disloyal. Sorry for being anon, I’m not proud of feeling like this.

Hi, so this row/problem is all about transport for you to get to the gym, yeh?

Well what about looking at taxis, community transport, access bus and also is there anyone in the family or maybe a friend who could help just to cover these particular times?

My hubby is my main carer/chauffeur. But there are times when i would like to go somewhere and it is a bother or something else is arranged for him.

I have just joined Scope and hubby takes me, but a taxi brings me home

pollx

Sadly we have no family, and since my diagnosis few friends, and I am very bad at asking for help. I’m not sure a taxi driver would push me in/out of the gym, and help me in/ out of the bungalow and get wheelchair in/out of garage. It all seems so trivial now it’s written down, but shouting at me is not helpful at all. I do try to be as little bother as I can, I know he got a raw deal. When I married an older man I expected to look after him in his old age, not have him spend his old age looking after me! I try to make his life as easy as I can. He doesn’t have to pay for anything except petrol and car servicing, and meals out etc and of course his golf. I pay all the bills and household costs and for the car and car insurance. I know that’s no substitute for a fit/healthy wife, but it’s all I can do to try to make life better for him

It sounds to me from reading this that you are on a guilt trip…sorry if I’m wrong. I don’t see why it’s your problem, your husband will have to figure it out without disrupting your time at the gym. He’s got a good life with you, so I’m sure he won’t mind, once he calms down. I don’t think you are being unreasonable :slight_smile: X

I don’t know where you are but could you contact your local social services?

I know where I am (NE Scotland) they can organise someone to help support people with this type of thing. You may still need the taxi but someone could go with you sometime they use their own car. I am not sure if a free service or not but you can ask.

And I don’t think its trivial at all. I am same with horses. Mobility getting worse and feel devestated that struggle to get on horse now. But should be grateful that still can walk although stiffly and trip a lot but feel like weeping(and worse tbh) when think be a time when can’t do it in any more…

Have a hug and hope you can find a way.

I agree with Blossom the gym trips are very important to your mobility. I feel your husband needs to work out a compromise, there is no need to feel you have to be the one to cancel.

i’m sure a taxi company would be pleased to have your business.

if the driver has to take time to see you in and out, he can leave his clock on and charge you for it.

before i got my motability car i used a local taxi firm and explained my needs.

they were gutted when i got my car.

now dont sit around feeling let down, get organising your transport! - right now!!!

sorry for being bossy but its meant in a caring way.

carole xx

I asked my husband about this as he plays golf and it has started a debate!!! He said to me if I was in the same position as you to change my gym dates if possible to allow him to go to the competitions and he would just go to the golf range on the days I would go to the gym - everyone wins

I expected your husband to get the blame, but to be honest I think you both need to work it out. There is a way around everything. You should not have cancelled but you shouldn’t have used that as a weapon to guilt him.

I was thinking along the lines of Happy21, I am sure there are options so he could take to play on at least one different day.

As you say, he is your carer and I think he needs to be cut a bit of slack. It is not a job he will have signed up to and I can see how difficult it could be.

Please, just talk, calmly and work things out, don’t be reactionary.
There are ways around everything.

Unreasonable, yes. But understandably so.

Ok, so I am unreasonable. I cancelled my plans so that my hubby can get in a extra round of golf. That is very unreasonable isn’t it. I know he needs this time for himself, I don’t begrudge it one little bit. He tells anyone who will listen, it’s golf Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and that it’s non negotiable. He also says it’s gym for me Monday, Wednesday, Friday and claims that too is non negotiable, well at least until he wants to do something else on one of those days. The other thing Is if you include travelling time and coffee afterwards a round of golf takes six hours of the day. My trip to the gym with travelling time about an hour and a half. Yes, I am on a guilt trip. I feel so guilty that he has to look after me, I hate the fact that I am so very dependent on him. I feel guilty that he has to consider me at all. The upshot is I’ve cancelled my gym appointments Monday and Wednesday so that he can play more golf. Five days out of seven isn’t bad is it. Yep, I’m selfish and unreasonable. I still love him dearly and appreciate him enormously and have no right or reason to complain. X

P.S. I have not used this to guilt him. When he arranged the golf I simply rang my gym and cancelled. I am not looking for anyone to take sides. I don’t blame him and don’t expect anyone else to. That’s life and life often isn’t fair is it? I just needed to get it off my chest. Sorry if anyone is offended. X

I can only repeat what I said earlier, I didn’t think you were being unreasonable

I’m glad you love your husband and no doubt he is probably a lovely man but to me he sounds a little bit too selfish.

All the best to you

xx

Hey Anon (for some reason I cant pronounce anonymous) Am so glad I am single…only jesting :slight_smile: Relationships are HARD regardless of circumstance and neither of you should feel guilty in any way shape or form. You’re together and that speaks volumes about your commitment to one another. You caved in first and cancelled going to the gym which is a real shame as a lot of taxi firms would be crying out for your custom. I wish I had the guts and determination to go to the gym once a week let alone three…think you might have given me a boot up my lazy ass to get some exercise! I hope that like all tiffs with better halfs you both get to kiss and make up …after all that’s the best part of being in a relationship x :wink: x

Hi again, I dont think youre being unreasonable at all. Youre the one who has lost out!

luv Polx

Unreasonable?

It is unreasonable that you have MS. It is unreasonable that this has a bad impact on his life and yours. There is absolutely nothing reasonable about any of this, and a ‘reasonable’ outcome is beyond the reach of either of you.

I don’t think there is anything for it but give and take and cutting each other a bit of slack when you can, but also being open when either of you feels that he/she is getting the rough end of the deal (without being too anal about counting out exactly how much time/effort is spent on this/that…) And, above all, acknowledging to each other that this all just completely sucks, but between you, you will damned well manage anyhow. But it is OK to feel bad about things - both of you. And I think it’s good if you can be open with each other about that.

Alison