Why is it so hard for people to just be there?

Everyday living
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I broke down on Tuesday while talking to my mom over the phone. I know she doesn’t quite understand what I’m going through, but that’s okay. I get that she may not know what to say, or how to react to me right now. I just wish she could understand that I’m not looking for advice on how to not be depressed. I’m not reaching out for tips on how to eat love pray my way out of this mindset. I just want her to be there. I just want her to tell me she loves me and she and the rest of my family will never leave me or make me feel like a burden to them.

I told her, “Mom, I just want you to be here. You don’t have to say anything.” after she admitted not knowing what to say. Her response was, “I’ll always be here, but you really need to get your mindset into a brighter place, or you’ll just be setting yourself up for a huge depression”. I’m really trying, but it doesn’t help feeling like I inconvenience everyone I love because I’m not the happy go lucky person I was a year ago. It also doesn’t help that I spent most of my life not being sure if she’s ever truly loved me. I’m sure somewhere deep down she does. She’s just never really shown it.

If anyone else understands how this feels, just know that I’m here for you. I will not give you unsolicited advice, or try to get you to see the “silver lining” of whatever you’re going through. Not unless you want me to. If you need to rant, curse or cry and just need someone to be there, please message me. I may not be able to reply immediately, but I will always respond.

Every single one of you on here is a wonderful person going through an incredibly hard time. No one deserves to feel like this, and as long as I’m able to I’ll make damn sure that no one ever does. Rant over. I’m going to play sudoku now and I hope you all have a wonderful night :purple_heart:

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I just wanted to say that I think “YOU ARE SO LOVELY”

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

Mary

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Please know we are all here for you.
Much love
Maryx

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I’m not trying to make it OK when it isn’t, but I will say that it sounds like standard-issue mother-speak to me! :grinning: Particularly the bit about saying the right thing but then being unable to resist following up with the wrong one…

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Without saying much more , the words of Atticus Finch to Scout spring to mind: ‘ you never really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view…… until you climb into his skin and walk around a bit’ ( To Kill a Mockingbird)

I’m totally sure your mum does love you but perhaps doesn’t always show it in the ways you want. I think we have all been there and our parents, partners , brothers and sisters probably felt or feel the same about us

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Mums and Dads are not the best people to get the ‘just being there’ thing I’m afraid. They can’t help but put the ‘Mr Fixit hat’ on (from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). Best to look elsewhere I’m afraid. Therapists, counsellors and coaches are all trained to do just this but if you can just contract with a friend that this is all you want, much more chance of success than a parent!

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I understand this.
I am finding it increasingly hard to maintain friendships.
My friends don’t understand that I’m not the same person I was, with the same level of energy.
I don’t know what to do to stop this slow isolation I’m experiencing.

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It can be difficult for someone to empathise and understand issues that they’ve never had themselves. A bit like trying to explain colour to someone that’s never had the ability to see. Or explain how MS makes you feel to someone that doesn’t have it.

Your mum sounds like she means well, though I appreciate how tiring it can be when someone doesn’t seem to “get it”. Hopefully with time and persistence, she’ll come to better understand your needs.

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I think when it comes to family and friends, they generally go into automatic fixing mode. There are very few people who can take a step back (apart from professional counsellors) and just listen and be with us when we’re feeling at rock bottom.

Mum’s tend to want to be able to make things right for their children, however old they are. I’m sorry you didn’t get the response you needed from her.

((hugs))
Willowtree

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Your post has got me in tears. I understand a million percent tbh. Only really my mum that bothers even speaking to me from my family now. And she doesn’t get it. Again sometimes I just need her to be there. No advice. No judgment. Just be. She says the whole be more positive etc etc but she doesn’t know what it’s like. Out of sight out of mind it seems. She does help me out and visits every Saturday to help with housework but it makes me feel like a burden tbh. Before my diagnosis I had finally started to excel in a career in the insurance industry. Was taking exams and passing, i was in a very happy relationship and had a group of friends. However my diagnosis messed with everything and now its all gone. I stare at the same 4 walls 24/7 all alone while everyone else looks to be doing well. Friends got the hump with me cancelling and gave up on me. Everyone has given up on me. Even myself if I’m honest. I have no joy or pleasure in anything anymore. I regularly get dark thoughts across my mind about how little I would be missed if i wasn’t around anymore. I have even prayed for my diagnosis to get worse or for me to be diagnosed with something terminal because im too scared to end it myself. I have no support and noone to talk too. Im so tired and sad now. Always

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@theorising Thank you so much dear! You seem like a lovely individual as well :blush: I apologize for not responding sooner! I had to take a break from the internet, it was beginning to take a toll on my mental health. I hope you’re having a wonderful day (or night if you’re across the pond).:purple_heart:

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Thank you so much @marymcdermott :blue_heart: It’s really nice to have a space to connect to others going through similar difficulties. I hope to be here for you all as well, during good days and bad. :blush:

@alison100 Looking back on it, I know she was just trying her best to support me in her own way. She is trying, and I know I should be grateful for that. A part of me just wishes I had a better support system. I’m working on it though, so hopefully things can start looking up sometime soon! I hope your weekend is a lovely one :yellow_heart:

@Hank_Dogs A classic quote from a classic novel! It can be incredibly difficult (impossible in some cases) to understand something you haven’t experienced yourself. I do wish people could experience walking a mile in someone else’s shoes more often. I believe it would make the world a much kinder place. I’ve started listening to people more, and I’ve discovered that sometimes, people end up finding exactly what they need in a kind smile and warm embrace. I hope something wonderful happens to you this weekend! :blush:

@Druss54 You’re absolutely right, and I still fall into the trap of “Let me fix it!!” regarding the problems of my loved ones. Thankfully, I’m still working through things in therapy. I’ve also started strengthening my faith as well. I’m still not sure anyone is listening when I pray, but it helps me to think that someone out there cares. I hope your weekend is filled with happy moments! :green_heart:

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Oh that’s such a tough one. For me personally, it was very hard for me to accept the changes in myself (classic Denialism) so looking back I wasn’t truly honest with people and was busy ‘being strong’. Now I’m much more honest and try to educate people more. If they don’t want to be educated and aren’t interested in the new me, then fine. That’s their choice. But I’ve realised I needed to become honest with my vulnerability and allow them to be educated so they could actually make a choice. Do they want to remain friends with this differently abled person or not?

By trying to stay who I was I was denying who I was now, to me and them.

Just my personal reflection and your circumstances may be totally different…

Welcome by the way! :wink:

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@LCMD71 Would you like to be friends? I can be incredibly sad/bleak sometimes, but I’m also ridiculously imaginative, and I’ve been told I can be thoughtful. If you enjoy long discussions about topics ranging from incredibly silly to profoundly philosophical, I’d be happy to chat with you! Life can give us a lot of hurt, but in community we can all find love and healing. I’m sending hope that you’ll find people who see you and love you to bits just for existing. I know it’s hard, but even under all the hurt, you are still you. :orange_heart:

@CarerAlex That’s a great way to put it! If I had to name one positive from this (admittedly) crappy experience, it would be that I listen more and judge less. I’m not sure she’ll ever be able to give me the support I want, but I also never thought she would get therapy. She proved me wrong on that, so I can only hope she proves me wrong on this too! I hope you’re able to take some time for yourself, even if it’s just to sit and rest for a moment. Caregiving can be incredibly hard (and also incredibly rewarding). I saw your username, and I hope I’m not being intrusive. I just hope you always remember that your health and wellbeing matter as well. :blush:

Hi! @Willowtree Most of my family (any myself) are definitely “fixers”. I think the hardest part of all of this has been living with a problem I don’t know how to fix. It’s also difficult to express my needs to my loved ones as well, especially when I’m lost in my head or overwhelmed by emotions. I can only hope that if this problem becomes something I can’t fix, that I can at least learn to be happy in spite of it. I hope you’re able to find happiness in spite of the hard times as well! :heart:

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Hello! I wanted to preface this by apologizing for not replying sooner! I had a family emergency come up on Friday which prevented me from finishing my reply/being online this weekend.

Oh dear heart, my heart breaks with you. Life can feel so incredibly unfair, especially when it throws us a curveball we never could have anticipated. It can be so isolating and lonely when it’s just ourselves and our thoughts. I’ve been in the deepest valleys over the past 10 months, and I won’t lie to you, there are times when I’m positively terrified of hearing someone confirm my worst fears. I’m petrified of being viewed as a burden, and losing everyone in my support system. It’s such a dark and difficult place to be in for any amount of time, much less 24/7. I know that things seem incredibly bleak right now, and you have every right to feel the way you do. The best advice I can give at the moment is to take things one day at a time. I know that seems impossible right now, but I promise you that things will be okay.

I would also recommend speaking to a therapist if you can. When I’m in my darkest headspace, I try to record or write down the thoughts I’m struggling with most. I bring those notes with me to my next therapy session and make it a point to discuss them with her. Often, she’s able to provide me with some insight or a new perspective that helps me view these thoughts differently. Even if she has no insight, it’s still helpful to have someone to talk about my dark thoughts with. If you can find a therapist who has experience with chronic illness, that would be even better!

If you’re able to find a place with a community aspect to it, that could be beneficial for you as well! Some people find that community through religious organizations. Others may volunteer at food banks or animal shelters when they can. I’ve also known people who utilize social media to find groups who share their hobbies, and they organize meet ups that way. There are also online forums and communities who host virtual events as well. I don’t know what your current abilities are, but I hope these can help!

Lastly, I know exactly how it feels to give up on yourself. I find it so hard to believe I’m worth any effort at times. I literally have been telling myself: “You are worth 5 minutes of walking. You are worth 10 minutes of meditation. You are worth 10 minutes of stretching.” etc. I’m not very good at it yet, but I keep reminding myself that I am worth caring about. These bodies are the only ones we get, and the better we care for ourselves (in every sense, not just physical) the better we can enjoy life.

Life already felt difficult before this, and now it feels impossible, especially when I think about the future. I know it’s so hard to believe anything else, but you are worth it. You are worth every bit of happiness and so much more. You deserve to be kind to yourself, even if you don’t believe it yet. We really have no idea what each day will hold for us, or if we’ll even get to see another day at all. The only thing we can do is keep moving forward with the hope that there will be better days ahead. Trust me on this, there will be better days. Even if life never looks the same again, there will still be better days. I hope you’re feeling better, and please know that I would miss you if you weren’t around. :heart:

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I know that what I’m going to say might sound rather blunt but I assure you it is said with the very best intentions! Basically, I can’t bear people suffering and yes, I’m guilty of trying to fix things one way or another.

Reading your post it struck me that it’s definitely you who have given up on your self? So, ask yourself, have a discussion on paper with yourself, why is this? What would you say to a friend , your Mum , if you thought she was in the same situation and mindset as you?

MS is the pits and it can have a direct effect on our mental health (does something to the brain chemistry) plus the general and to be expected anxieties about having a disease/ condition for which there is no cure. But no one, no one at all deserves to feel the way you seem to be feeling ( well ok, those who set out to deliberately harm others might deserve it and more but I’m sure you are not in that group)

I’m slightly bolshy by nature and want to be in control of my own life and fix myself as far as possible. I’ve seen GPs for antidepressants/anxieties and sought out counselling to help me work through issues what ever they are - including years ago the breakdown of my marriage and my general feeling that I was going nowhere, life was empty and pointless: no social life, wake up, go to work, go home , eat, TV , bed and repeat day in week out until one day I thought sod this and got help. So, I urge you to do something similar. You know you are unhappy and possibly very depressed- so please, if you haven’t done so already, see your GP about depression/anxiety and seek out counselling!

I will send you a message in addition to the above.

Take care

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Thank you for sharing. I got goosebumps and some relief at knowing that there are people out there that experience these hard times like me and stay positive. I onlybrecently joined and you let me know I am in the right place. Virtual hug.

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Hi! @Hopeful79

I’m glad that this post could provide you with some relief! This is one of the most supportive groups of people I’ve ever encountered online, so I’m also glad you’re here! Feel free to message anytime :slight_smile:

I recently discovered a podcast that you may like. It’s called the Good Hard Story Podcast, and it’s hosted by a husband and wife named Jay and Katherine. Katherine survived a massive brain stem stroke at 26 years old, and has been navigating life with disability ever since. She and her husband have been challenging the belief that joy can only be found in a pain-free life.

They’re both Christians, and they do discuss their faith and relationship with God from what I’ve heard so far. However, they also regularly discuss how both suffering and joy can coexist in one’s “good/hard story”. It may not be your cup of tea, but I figured I’d share just in case. Welcome! :blush:

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