My mobility has plummeted rapidly since diagnosis four years ago. My right hand is pretty much useless too, as in it’s got no grip or strength and tends to curl under a bit. I shuffle around indoors, when I have to although I use a manual chair at times on bad days. I have to use the wheelchair for outside.
Husband is my carer, and apart from a couple of hours domestic help mid week, he does the cooking, laundry etc. We muddle through and things are okay mostly. However, yesterday I had a major meltdown.
We’d come home from a weekly shop and, standing with the walker, I started to unpack putting things on either side of me, relevant to where they were going is fridge or cupboard etc. He then stood there with a face like thunder. His annoyance was obvious. I just threw down what was in my hands, grabbed the walker , hobbled to the other room and cried uncontrollably for the next half hour. He then followed and asked Why was I crying!
I was so angry I almost choked trying to answer. I referred to an aunt who has dementia and is being cared for by her daughter, whose patience is now frazzled. I said he may as well put us together, that he’ll be liquidising my food next. I’m feeling resentment and suppressed anger from him. Whether that’s from my me diagnosis or him now being my carer, I don’t know.
Sometimes I feel it’s like a military excercise going somewhere. Short sharp monosyllabic orders…“brakes, feet, hands…” as I’m instructed to release the brakes in the wheelchair, keep my feet back from protruding from the footplates etc.
I seem to be in the way in the kitchen whenever I venture out there and am told to, “stop hovering and sit over there”. I went to bed without saying goodnight and haven’t spoken since. He made small talk this morning, which is his usual when something like this happens, but I can’t be bothered. I’m just angry. It’s still my kitchen, still my home. I’ve got ms but I’ve not become stupid!
Just for good measure, regulars might remember I had breast cancer last year and had surgery. Well I’m not happy with the way things feel around the site and have an appointment with the consultant next week in Cork city. I expect to receive another mammogram. Tensions may well be a little high perhaps. Thanks for listening everyone.