Who's got anger issues?

Everyday living
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My mobility has plummeted rapidly since diagnosis four years ago. My right hand is pretty much useless too, as in it’s got no grip or strength and tends to curl under a bit. I shuffle around indoors, when I have to although I use a manual chair at times on bad days. I have to use the wheelchair for outside.

Husband is my carer, and apart from a couple of hours domestic help mid week, he does the cooking, laundry etc. We muddle through and things are okay mostly. However, yesterday I had a major meltdown.

We’d come home from a weekly shop and, standing with the walker, I started to unpack putting things on either side of me, relevant to where they were going is fridge or cupboard etc. He then stood there with a face like thunder. His annoyance was obvious. I just threw down what was in my hands, grabbed the walker , hobbled to the other room and cried uncontrollably for the next half hour. He then followed and asked Why was I crying!

I was so angry I almost choked trying to answer. I referred to an aunt who has dementia and is being cared for by her daughter, whose patience is now frazzled. I said he may as well put us together, that he’ll be liquidising my food next. I’m feeling resentment and suppressed anger from him. Whether that’s from my me diagnosis or him now being my carer, I don’t know.

Sometimes I feel it’s like a military excercise going somewhere. Short sharp monosyllabic orders…“brakes, feet, hands…” as I’m instructed to release the brakes in the wheelchair, keep my feet back from protruding from the footplates etc.

I seem to be in the way in the kitchen whenever I venture out there and am told to, “stop hovering and sit over there”. I went to bed without saying goodnight and haven’t spoken since. He made small talk this morning, which is his usual when something like this happens, but I can’t be bothered. I’m just angry. It’s still my kitchen, still my home. I’ve got ms but I’ve not become stupid!

Just for good measure, regulars might remember I had breast cancer last year and had surgery. Well I’m not happy with the way things feel around the site and have an appointment with the consultant next week in Cork city. I expect to receive another mammogram. Tensions may well be a little high perhaps. Thanks for listening everyone.

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Hi Poppy - I totally understand what you are saying and how you are feeling. I use 2 crutches not just because of the MS but I also have other mobility issues. We took a wheelchair on holiday with us and even after 2 weeks I felt what you are feeling - I kept looking at my husband and thinking he looked embarrassed/annoyed. I haven’t told my grown up children yet as I feel sorry for them that they have a Mum like me - someone who can’t run around after the grandchildren or help them with household tasks etc…on a brighter note though, I visited Cork a year or two ago ( I was born in Dublin but live in the UK have done since childhood) and I have to say it is a beautiful part of the world xx

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Aw dear Poppy,

Our husbands, when they become our carers, do have a tendency to infantilise us. They can also seem to have a barely suppressed (or unsuppressed) anger in the way they speak to us. It does happen in my house too, perhaps not to quite the same extent, but there are times when we snap and bicker at each other. I think it probably happens to us all.

I don’t know if it’s utter fury that their strong beautiful (not me - you!) wife has become so bloody disabled. Or at their annoyance in the way they’ve had to become a carer in their middle age. Or, of course, at the change to their life that MS has brought.

I know you’re still strong mentally, try to do what you can to keep whatever abilities poxy MS has left you with, even though everyday tasks are so dam hard.

Mr Poppy has had his life taken over by MS just as you have. (Not to mention bloody cancer!) I really hope his anger is misplaced bile at the two diseases that have so utterly changed your life over the past few years. You have had a very rapid progression, from the very beginning, to be diagnosed within a weekend and then have PPMS confirmed and make very serious inroads into your body so fast. I truly hope he is just scared of the future for you and with you and it’s being very badly expressed.

Luckily Mr Sssue and myself tend to growl and snap, then manage to avoid speaking for a short time and get over it fairly quickly. But then we’ve had a lot longer to get used to the interloper in our lives (MS), and we don’t also have the spectre of cancer looming over us.

I wish you the best of luck next week in Cork. I’m hoping that your fears about the cancer returning are unfounded. Further to that appointment, perhaps you and Mr P will manage some time to yourselves when you can talk honestly and openly about his trying to control your life the way he is, and the way he barks at you instead of speaking politely. If he understood (of course, he is a man so he might not!) just how he’s making you feel, maybe he could make some changes to his manner of speaking at least.

Sue xx

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Sue hold on! - what’s all this about ‘a man not understanding’ - some men and women do understand, some don’t. Poppy, he’s not controlling your life it’s the ******* m.s. that’s controlling both of you. Don’t know what the answer is - maybe get a mutual friend/acquaintance to listen to you both separately and see if something can be resolved. Maybe easier than a difficult face to face confrontation.

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Sorry. Shouldn’t have made that comment. Apologies to all. Some people don’t understand, male and female.

Sue

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Hello,

This sounds very painful. I’m sorry you are going through this. I think anyone who has their partner care for them will be able to relate on some level. I can. I cannot recommend therapy enough. Your lives have both changed drastically and both of you will feel resentment on some level. That’s natural. I read your anger response as frustration (at the whole damn situation). Does that make sense? Therapy is a safe space to both get to talk about your feelings. You may find that you both understand each other. It’s very hard to navigate these types of conversations outside of therapy. I guess you know that.

Best wishes

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Hi poppy, I have anger issues with bloody ms, meltdowns common in the kitchen where Mr froo gets caugh I Crossfire, think it’s the combination of trying to do stuff which used to be easy while he legs want to collapse that makes me go mad, and I’m secretly hating Mr froo for loading the dishwasher wrong or something equally small but it does hurt all these constant reminders that he not in control anymore think it’s ok to let out ur frustrations sometimes and kiss and make up after, or at least not beat urself up for getting angry sometimes. Hope my spelling better than on your other thread still awake must try sleeping again.good luck with appointment and hope u and Mr poppy can cuddle up before and after, great therapy. Froo x

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I am sorry Poppy. I think he is frustrated too and hates to see you like this. My husband had no idea how to deal with me. I decided i would have care workers rather then have him do stuff as he had COPD anyway and he found doing things hard anyway.

Perhaps you both need a break from each other? respite or something. we are only human and I dont for one minute think he is doing it to undermine you. he is probably worried too about your upcoming appointment.

I think at the moment you are both feeling frustrated a little and your scared too. Perhaps this has made this incident more noticeable?

I hope everything goes well for your mammogram I know how worried you must feel my sister was going through the same only recently.

I have the same issues when i go out. I hate going out as its such hard work. when i had my care worker she would tend to talk to me like a child. Like you know when your a bit slow…ok dear I am just going to put the brake on kind of way.

I hope you feel better today. Talk to him, cuddle, you never know when you will ever get that chance again. xxxxxx

PS, my sisters issue with her mastectomy well it was all fine it just was healing weirdly but it was ok.

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Yes I agree i was always angry because i was frustrated and fed up of having to ask to have things done. It is a symptom of ms i believe.

I agree a cuddle is the best medicine. It is tough for both parties having someone disabled. xxxx

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Hi poppy, I have anger issues with bloody ms, meltdowns common in the kitchen where Mr froo gets caugh I Crossfire, think it’s the combination of trying to do stuff which used to be easy while he legs want to collapse that makes me go mad, and I’m secretly hating Mr froo for loading the dishwasher wrong or something equally small but it does hurt all these constant reminders that he not in control anymore think it’s ok to let out ur frustrations sometimes and kiss and make up after, or at least not beat urself up for getting angry sometimes. Hope my spelling better than on your other thread still awake must try sleeping again.good luck with appointment and hope u and Mr poppy can cuddle up before and after, great therapy. Froo x

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Hmm yes ‘Men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ Keep reminding my hubby that the kitchen was MINE once!

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What lovely input from everyone. Thank you.

I feel a bit silly about it all now, today, and haven’t really spoken properly to him yet other than a yes please and no thanks. However I will do. I must have it out with him, how barking instructions and orders makes me feel, how useless I feel whereas prior to ms I was strong, capable of doing pretty much anything. It was something that impressed him hugely when he first met me. A young lone parent who managed to run a car, hold down a job, keep a nice home, decorate it, tile the kitchen wall, cook great meals from scratch, maintain a beautiful garden…

Today I feel someone came here four years ago and took that person away gradually. I don’t really recognise her now and I wonder if he thinks the same. He has seen me helpless weeping so many times now. When I’ve fallen and hurt myself and cannot get up, days when I can’t manage to get my clothes on without help, when I need him to do up my jacket because my fingers are as useful as those of a toddler, to cut my food because I can’t manage to. Where is Poppy?

Anyway, enough bleating. Today is a better day and I’ll talk with him later. Thanks again you lovely people. X

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Cracow. I’m sure Sue meant no offence. It’s just like that book, Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Men get frustrated if they can’t fix things. It’s what they’re good at, yeah? Men disappear to their “cave” and smoulder, sulk or take something apart and put it back together. "Fix"it. Most women talk to someone about the problem. Either at work,on the phone, at the school gates or like I’m doing now. It diffuses things and releases pressure. Anyway, I’m rambling on now. I agree, it’s the ms controlling here.

I’ll have the face to face talk later. After almost 33 years together and a whole myriad of experiences, there’s nothing we can’t talk about and resolve. Thanks x

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OMG! Anger issues! I’ve felt homicidal on and off the last two or three years! My OH is leading a charmed life! He goes off most days for as long as he wants, when he is here he spends hours on his tablet, doing artwork, or maintaining his equipment, does minimal housework and I feel like I’m living with Stig of the dump! He hasn’t changed his bedsheets for a year or ever changed mine, his bed reeks so bad I smelled it the other week and it made me gag,

He makes food when he wants usually after his tablet runs out of charge and takes three times as long to make a meal,

The washing fairy has been on strike for two years now so I only wash anything that belongs to him when he offers to help about three or four times in that time, I’ve told him I can’t manage his as well as my own!

hasnt decorated the bathroom or kitchen for thirty years, or anywhere else for more than ten.

didnt ask about the test results after a cancer biopsy! Wasn’t interested! Only interested in himself I told him yeah ok but some of us have real problems!

sooner or later I’m gonna snap!

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OMG ddd. I could never live like that lol. My husband never would have changed his bed sheets. so i had a cleaner and she did it for me lol.

someone to do my washing and ironing bliss.

Not being sexist here but was he born around 1945ish lol. as the 3 men i know who were are all basically useless when it comes down to house work.

My husband in the years i was with him hoovered ONCE lol. Yet he would spend hours in his shed fixing things.

Mike decorated a bedroom once. so i used to get decorators in and it came out of his wages anyway lol.

I could never live in mess, so thats why i have a cleaner. I would have snapped by now lol.

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Ok so cut a long story short our GP let the cat out of the bag it’s likely he has an autistic spectrum disorder, the more I find out about autism the more I recognise it in him. But I haven’t been able to find out how to deal with it! I think I’ve been cruel as he is unable to change how he’s wired up. I think that if the time comes I’m gonna have to book into a care home and he will just have to get on with it! Because there’s no way he could do what is required as a carer if anything he probably could use one himself. What he’s needed all of his life and never had is a proper Mum who will do everything for him without demanding anything back. But what he got was inadequate parents and an ignorant and naive partner who realised too late how significant his issues are.

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Hi ddd, my son 17 is on the spectrum and he has quite amazed me how caring he tries to be. Came running from upstairs yesterday as I was screeching, been telling poppy about mad cat that has taken to leaping into high cupboard when I open it for a second to get dish out! Being on spectrum varies hugely, sounds familiar but common trait is struggling to deal with change, but that doesn’t mean they can’t when matters, I find my son’s brain is wired to find the easiest way through for him, he lives in the present and just doesn’t understand time, so u do have to ask for the same thing time and time again when u think it would surely be second nature by now, but at the same time he does really well. Of course the big question is how does this translate to Mr ddd, I believe my dad was on spectrum too but undiagnosed, he just ticked so many boxes on autism Asperger’s list, I never said to him as I just couldn’t see him ever changing his behaviour, he literally never made a cup of tea in his life, let alone change sheets. he was maddening and selfish but I like to think he could have changed in some ways for mum if she really needed him, he did adore her even tho he never lifted a finger. Really not sure if it’s possible but give mr ddd a chance and if ur going for the spectrum explanation of why u need something done, just try to be as clear and concise as u can. At the same time u need to be realistic about where they might get to. Hope this helps a little. Froo x

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Believe me I’ve tried to tell him in simple terms why stuff needs to be a certain way but it goes in one ear and out of the other for example this week I have asked three times for him to help me change my duvet cover it’s still not been done I cannot do it unassisted so when I finally get it on I will have to sew it’s onto the duvet and then when it needs to be it can all be washed in the washing machine together,

My problem is I cannot list the reasons I believe that there is an autistic spectrum disorder at play here because it could end up seeming like a character assassination.

I have done a few autistic spectrum disorder tests online and in almost every case the boxes are ticked that yes there is something there, like no interest in reading fiction, like no real appreciation of music, like only wishing to pursue solitary pursuits, like preferring his own company, like always pursuing the technique of something rather than the content or finish of something. I do appreciate that there may very well be more going on for example mental health problems and possibly a personality disorder but those two things alone cannot explain all of his nature. And as we have discussed because this is a spectrum you could very very easily be on the spectrum without anyone ever knowing, apparently women particularly Who are on the spectrum may never find out because they’ve spent their lives masking their true feelings. My issue with OH is he doesn’t mask or pretend to care when he sees things on television about someone going through trauma he doesn’t seem to have any empathy, even when it might be something he has experience of in his own life.

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So sorry for both You and Mr Poppy, as a bloke with MS whose wife is the breadwinner and lead washing fairy and finance director, wheelchair pusher and package opener. We have the odd heated exchange over ‘normal’ issues and misunderstandings which can be exacerbated by the ba$tard known as MS.

This, along with many other serious conditions affects all members within a family. In my opinion the only way to deal with these things is to communicate, be flexible (if possible) and sometimes just wait until the bad vibes recede a bit.

My amazing wife will occasionally snatch stuff away from me rather than let me struggle on and win or lose by myself. It drives us both nuts, but we can accept this and move on.

No easy solutions but try not to let this crap get one over on the pair of you.

Good Luck

Mick

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Hi ddd, hope ur ok, and really not meaning to oversimplify about keeping conversations short, was why I was trying to explain about my dad. Be drove us all mad and was so stuck in his ways. This thing is that if he is on the spectrum, it’s a diagnosis that can take a long time to get and it’s just a label, there’s no treatment, just the way someone’s brain Is wired, so it’s how u both learn to work around it and do things differently which of course is a much harder ask than changing a 17 year old. Guess what I’m saying u need his help now, and it’s about persuading him of that as feel u could be going down a long road to convince him he is on spectrum of another disorder if he doesn’t want to know. Hope u get somewhere, good luck. Froo x