Forum

Anger

Hi Everyone,

Longtime since I’ve been here,

I need advice on ‘Anger’, as I seem to be so full of it lately it’s

scaring me.

I get into such a rage that I end up crying, and I’ve never ever been

like this before.

Any advice?

Love n hugs

Jo

Not a huge amount of help but I remember watching a tv programme, Dr. Phil or something equally enlightening lol.

Anyway, they said that anger always has a cause, it’s always the result of something else so it’s not a real emotion in itself and the key is to find out why you’re angry. So if MS is the cause of the anger then it’s more fear or lack of control. I suffer terribly at the moment with jealousy but I know that I’m jealous because I’m afraid that I will never have a “normal” life, that I will always struggle, that everything is always a battle.

So to control it I think about what I’m afraid of and try to find “solutions”.

I’m not afraid of being disabled but I am afraid of how I will manage, financially mainly. So I’ve been trying to look for solutions to that problem. To no avail so far but at least I know what is getting to me.

So I’d look at why you’re angry, what is it stemming from? What are your fears and concerns and is there anything you can do about them? If not, is there anything you can do to prepare for what is happening?

I think anger comes from lack of control and fear.

Thankyou Meme,

You’ve made me realise that there is a reason for my anger, and I need to deal with

it, just need to work out how.

Thankyou again

Jo

xx

My anger is there’s drugs out there for the first time for Progressive MS, ‘they’ won’t prescibe them! It was easier when there was nothing Darn right it’s the lack of control and fear, I know I’m not helping but despair comes into it.On a lighter note the sun is shining, take care M

I’m a control freak so this diagnosis (plus the fact that my ex couldn’t handle it and broke up with me after I was diagnosed) really threw me for a loop. I’d my whole future lined up and with one fell swoop it was taken from me.

I spent Sunday morning in bed, crying, completely overwhelmed by the absolute terror of what is ahead of me…again, not so much the disability but what goes with that.

I feel like I have no control over my life anymore and it terrifies me. And yes, I do get angry. I spent 10 years (I got pregnant very young) trying to build a life for myself and my child, working hard, not relying on welfare, convincing myself that at some point things would come good and it would all be worth it…and then the diagnosis, the future uncertainty and the absolute and utter terror that I have no idea what I am going to do, the last 10 years of working hard and missing out on my daughter so I could put in the hours and odds are, I’ll end up on welfare anyway. Probably living with my parents.
I’ve strived so hard to be independent and make my own way in life and now it feels like I’ve been cheated.

Sorry, I’m rambling but OP, I think we all get angry at our situation, feel cheated. I get angry seeing bad people coast through life while I struggle through everything. I feel like I was sold a pup. Work hard and you’ll be rewarded. Yeah right, rewarded with MS.

Grrrrrrrrr …

Reading your post makes my anger seem unwarranted.

Mine was aimed at a friend (perhaps that’s where I went wrong, never employ a friend)

She cleans for me an hour every thursday morning, but what she does in an hour

would take me a week to do, she also cleans for three other ladies and her Dad, plus cares

for another lady.

So when she text me on thursday to say she wanted to spend time wth her young daughter,

and I am not a selfish person, bearing in mind the kids have been on holiday to, all I could reply was

’ok’, then I saw red, especially on the friday when she text me again to see how I was and then had the cheek

to say she had just finished cleaning at so n so’s, it was like rubbing my nose in it and saying

’’ It’s only Jo, she won’t mind’'

Still bloody angry now…

Oh dear, I’ll get over it

Hi Meme

Wow, that could have been my post four years ago! Except I did rely on benefits for a couple of years after my partner left me and our son (then 2) and went to live with another woman, now his wife. I did try to keep working part-time for a couple of years after he left but my son wasn’t happy with so many changes in his life and was struggling emotionally so I made the decision to give up work and concentrate on him for a while. It was such a struggle back then and when I finally did find a job at the local school which meant I didn’t have to rely on childcare (one of the things my son had hated), my master plan had been to continue taking on extra hours as my son became more and more independent.

I had got up to 32 hours pw when I was diagnosed (son was then 15) and that relapse took a long time to recover from. I immediately went backwards to 30 hours pw and gave up the most strenuous 2 hours of the week. I was so angry at everyone else who didn’t have a care in the world or a chronic condition to cope with. I would be shaking with anger one moment and in tears the next.

Looking back, I now know that I had the shock of a quick diagnosis, steroids in my system messing up my moods and the huge decision of choosing a DMD to contend with plus a son who was struggling to cope with my diagnosis. Reading your post though, I realise that a lot of my anger came from the fact that I’m a control freak too and I like to have life planned out for at least the next few years.

I know so many people who stay in relationships seemingly just for the money and I’m not like that; I would rather be poor and not accept second best. At work sometimes the colleagues who receive the most praise and recognition are the ones who always complain about their workload but, to the rest of us, appear to spend their time gossiping and doing very little work! Grrrr!!!y

Anyway, four years down the line, I have accepted the MS as part of the revised plans. I still work 30 hours pw at the day job and type in the evenings ad hoc for a financial adviser (who also has MS and understands if it gets left on the odd occasion). I have a sleep every afternoon before cooking tea. Son does all the heavy lifting around the house and is quick to suggest takeaway when I am really fatigued ;-). I’ve only had two relapses since diagnosis and things have settled down. I’m sure a lot of my worry was that things would always be as bad as they were at that time; that my legs would never work properly again, that I would become disabled very quickly etc. I have since made friends locally with other MSers through the local branch who do rely on mobility aids but have come to realise that this does not hold them back and they still enjoy life as much as ever. They have adapted and, if that time comes in my life, I will too. I am strong and it will not beat me.

Tracey x

It’s weird what you get angry about isn’t it? I’ve never got angry about my MS although I’m reaching a stage where I’m struggling to walk from room to room in my house, struggling just to keep things tidy (because I can’t carry things and still walk), struggling to shop at all and so on. And I have problems with bladder control and might be getting problems with bowel control. But I know lots of people are in a much worse situation - my husband is loving to me and helps and also has a good job so I don’t have to work (good thing, because I don’t think I could).

However, when my father was alive (he died just over two years ago) I used to get so angry with him and about him. He was a ‘functioning alcoholic’ who used to drink a bottle of whiskey a day. When we used to go and visit him he would either be completely drunk and impossible to have a proper conversation with or completely hungover, morose and monosyllabic. But almost the worst part was how furious it made me. I had counselling to try and get me to a place where I could be civil to him - it helped a bit and maybe you might think about it. Do you want to get to acceptance of the horrible things that life has thrown at you? Maybe it’s better for you to rage against them.

Thanks Tracey, It is all a bit overwhelming at times. My recent ex was just not able to deal with everything. We’d only been together a few months when I got sick and after I was diagnosed it was coming into a time of year for him which is just manic (he has a large farm) and he said he just couldn’t give me what I needed. He’s still very good and calls in every week, is there if I need anything done (heavy lifting etc) so he’s a good person and the relationship was good, he’s just a committment phobe lol.

The not being able to work is so scary because I bought a house with my other ex and he now lives in it with his partner and they rent out some rooms. I have nothing to do with the house but my name is still on the mortgage and the deeds so the council here don’t see me as having a housing need so I’m not eligible for any sort of housing or rent supplement. When I’m working this is fine, I just pay the rent myself. But if I’m not working I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t move back in with my ex and his girlfriend and expect him to support me lol.

I could move in with my parents but it’s just such a waste really, my life as I know it, my daughters life, my friends and social life would all be gone. Talk about regressing!

OP, with regards to your friend, I would have just asked her (when she said she couldn’t come over at the usual time) when was she able to. It’s not fair to leave you in the lurch. You can be accomodating but don’t let someone take you for granted. If she doesn’t have a history of letting you down then I’d let it go as a one-off but be prepared the next time she can’t make it, to be able to say to her she needs to come another day.

Hi Jo, in my calmer, more peaceful times I believe in the God (or someone) please give me the strength to change the things I can and to accept the things I cant` saying. I used to say this to my mum, who always had a bee in her bonnet about everything.

But then there are times when I think ive got something sorted in my head, only for this chuffin desease to take control again and stop my resolve.

I find I swear a lot when i get mad. Im doing that right now, as I await ESA papers to come, and to learn whats going to happen about my Direct Payments funding. I can do absolutely nowt about those things.

Then there`s the toileting problems i live with daily (and nightly.) When i wake in the night and need to wee, I try to hold on, as my poor hubby has to get up to help me. he has lots of pain with severe arthritis. if I try to get myself hoisted and onto the commode, I often get stuck and end up wetting my bed and the floor.

So a few nights ago, i decided I wouldnt get up, but wee into my pull up incontinence pants.

Well I did that and oh how horrible I felt. Smelly, wet and yeuky!

So that idea went out the door. Last night it was 4am and I had to wake him up.

I see this particular bout of anger for you, was caused by your friend and the cleaning lark.

I can see why you got mad. I would feel the same.How coan you deal with this?

Well my morning carer has 2 young boys and has to find a sitter for them during school hols, so she can come to me. Ive told her to bring them with her, if she is stuck.

Would that help you with your cleaning problem?

Being saddled with a chronic condition is damned well impossible to cope with sometimes.

We are not in charge of our bodies. IT is!

In times of real struggle, I have a day in bed. And hope the next day will be a bit better.

luv Pollx

I agree, Jo, you can overlook this one but don’t let your friend make a habit of putting you off. Your needs are as important as the other people she cleans/cares for. You cannot do the cleaning so she needs to come another day if she wants to miss her normal day.

Meme - I know what you mean. My mum once offered for us to move back in with her but I just couldn’t face the thought of that. Much as I loved her I knew that would drive me nuts. My son and I have our own routine (or some days no routine at all) and we like doing our own thing. We did manage the odd holiday with parents and that was fine but it meant missing MY television programmes, social life etc which is fine for a week or two but not on a permanent basis. Let’s hope it never comes to that for you, eh?

Tracey xx

Oh thankyou one and all for your lovely replies.

Not on Avonex, am on a betablocker which is quite new…January

and building it up, but then I think if truth be told, it’s nowt to do with

the betablocker, just want to blame something…

I’m glad I haven’t blown it out of proportion when I thought I had, the only good thing

that came out of the anger, was, I did the housework myself, still paying for it

now though.

She’s due tomorrow, going to be shcked when I tell her I don’t need her, and if truth be

told I don’t think I was really happy with her work anyway.

You have your own ways of doing things, and I didn’t like her’s, for example

she dusted my bedroom, around everything, didn’t dust what was on the units, just

around them!! same in the lounge, I have glass coasters, and they get grimey, always

dusted round them.

I feel awful talking about her as she is a wonderful friend, but I know that’s how she has

to stay, as a friend or we will fall out…

Thankyou again, you’ve been wonderful.

Love n hugs

Jo

I find my irritation, snappiness and anger tend to be irrational.

I can be emotional when watching a sad bit in a movie (never happened before ms!) having to suppress a lip quiver or tears and feeling embarrassed about it.

I can also find the most trivial things hugely annoying, like I’m looking for a reason to be angry rather than the actual reason I am expressing it on.

Sometimes I also have moments of eurphoria, where I get the giggles over something so small and inappropriate my partner looks at me bemused.

I presume while I may have some latent anger and frustration about my illness, much of this is more to do with the effect ms is having on my brain, and that it’s not soley a manifestation of how I actually feel. Rather the result of some confusing wiring as ms messes with my brain & body, making nerves swell and die randomly.

Essentialy, sometimes how I feel isn’t how I feel.

Hi Jo, so what are you going to do re your cleaning now? Look for someone else and keep it on a employer/employee basis?

I set my morning carer on and didnt know her beforehand.

But we have become very close and tell each other all sorts.

But if there are any problems with work, I do try to tell her, but dont want to hurt her feelings.

she is always very understanding and would rather i tell her than not.

Good luck with finding a new cleaner. And I hope your friendship wont be damaged when you tell your friend you dont want her to clean for you anymore.

luv Pollx

My husbands anger is like flicking of a switch its frustration on his part and anger to why him.Unfortunately i seem to be on the recieving end .But neurologists wont give him medication yet want to run more tests.He said to me most women wouldnt put up with me i dont know how you put up with me.For better or for worse were the words i took serious you dont just run away when things get tough you stand and fight.xxxx julie

Hi Julie, what a lovely person you are! Hubby is lucky to have you.

luv Pollx

Thanks pollx you cheared me up xxx julie

Hi Julie

It is really good that you can see things from your husband’s perspective and be so understanding. Thousands wouldn’t …

I really hope you both get some answers to his problems soon. <>

Tracey x

Morning All,

New question.

Is light sensitivity anything to do with MS?

At this moment I’m squinting and my eye’s feel as though I’m about to have a migraine

with the flashing, but nothing is happening, which is wonderful in one way,

but weird in another.

Still feel as though I need a dark room…

Thanks for reading…

Regards

Jo