What have I become


Whatever I am I don’t like it, last night I got in shower ready for physio today, I no longer like the shower and do get quite wound up about it. Last night I felt rubbish before I got in but many times worse when I got out ended up shouting. Hubby said something about leaving me, not for the first time and I started shouting and screaming like a banshee. I told him to just get on with it and did he want me to open the door for him. Then he said you really meant that didn’t you, I had a glass in my hand so he took it from me I think I may have used it on him. He has told me quite a few times if he goes I won’t manage and I know he’s right. He used to say he would put me in a care home until I told him that was where I wanted to be so he now says he will leave. He went for some beer and said see what you have driven me to. It is just the two of us, son just home from uni, if asked he does help but he is young and doesn’t see things that need doing. Today he asked if I thought I was the only one a/effected by this I know I’m not but I’m being selfish and thinking it’s worse for me. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I feel so alone but I just keep pushing him and he does everything for me including housework, cooking and shopping I would love the chance to help with some of the things but he just says it’s easier alone. I should be seeing a phsycologist soon so hope that helps.

Thanks to anyone that reads this


hi yvonne

i really feel for you. i was the same after iv steroids. i felt strong but went really loopy.

it sounds as though he loves you very much but being a bloke he needs to be able to fix things.

if only husbands could fix ms! i’ve been waiting for something for mine to do.

it’s one of those situations where your feelings are so powerful and overwhelming and his are probably very strong but you’re at opposite sides.

i was afraid of thanking my hubby in case he became over confident (cocky is the phrase i use) but when i did thank him and apologise for being a witch, his eyes showed how hurt he had been.

i still have regular moments when i could throttle him but thats another story!

i’m just saying all this because it sounds to me that your relationship is strong but is being mauled almost to death by your ms.

counselling would be a good idea. probably best if you both get it.

take care yvonne

you know that these things pass

take care and be strong

carole xxxxxxx


Really sorry to hear you’re having a tough time.

I think it is very tough when you are dependant on a partner, I have found it incredibly hard since being off work sick for 5 months. My husband has been doing all the things to keep the home running too.

I feel terrible looking at the parts of the house that havent seen soap and water or polish in months…but I’m just not up to doing it.

I think the guilt we give ourselves is quite difficult to bear, and yet we shouldn’t kick ourselves for not achieving this and that domestic task.

The only bit of advice I can share is that my hubby got me a scooter and now I go shopping with him. I’ve always hated food shopping as I worked for a food retailer for years…now a trip to the supermarket has become the big trip of the week. He teases me about my sudden love of shopping, but using the scooter means I dont get tired and irritable when we are out.

I dont know about you but my loss of freedome has been immense. I worked all over the country, stayed in hotels a couple of nights a week, worked hard…partied harder and still kept the hubby and kids in love,food and clean clothes.

I managed to get in a cab to register at fat class this week as I have gained quite a lot of weight since being ill. It was so nice to meet other people and they were so nice and helpful to me. It was really sweet and humbling to enjoy such a welcome and felt fantastic that I got there on my own.

Its no easy adapation…let alone feeling like s*** too.

Love Gillx

Just to let you know, Yvonne, I have read your post. Unfortunately I don’t know what to write to help you. This illness is vile…it can even impact our brains as well as our bodies. That might be partly why you’re lashing out. Of course it’s very tough for husbands/partners but but only we know how our poor bodies feel. I wouldn’t like to look after someone with MS but I think I’d rather do that and at least be able to escape from it occasionally (go for a beer/walk/swim/even go grocery shopping) and not feel the constant nagging relentless symptoms and limitations. I hope your psychologist can help you. Take care as best you can Karen

Hi, I am sorry to hear how bad this monster makes relationships.

My hubby is a quiet, patient man and has done his utmost best for me for several years.But there are times when his pain causes him to be quite abrupt and manhandle me to a point where I get hurt, both physically and mentally.

he has painful oesteo and rheumatoid arthritis. Because of this I knew we needed to get some help in. It took me 2 yrs to get him to agree.

I now have Direct Paymnets to pay for 3 other carers and what a difference it has made to both our lives.

Do you think it might help you too?

If you`d like more info about it, please just ask, yeh?

luv Pollx

Hi Yvonne Firstly big hugs - i’ve read ur post and it bought a tear to my eyes. I have only started using these forums since yesterday because i realised i needed to talk to people who really understand my neuropathic pain, people who are going through it and people who have been through it and i’m so glad i have. I love the way all these replies flood in and so much support is offered. You know we are always here for you and will offer the support at any time. Take care Hun xxx

Hi Yvonne What you have said could be me and my, my wife and my eldest. I know exactly how you feel. I was dx in may after 9 days, not much time to get used to it, grieve the loss, get used to it. I am now on my second shrink, the first oe wasn’t on my wavelength or even the same planet. The second one I could get on with. I find that talking things through with someone not directly affected like me is helping, I just wish he would stop asking me if I ave has suicidal thoughts and if I want pills. No I need someone to alk to who understands me now-not like I was before, who understands what I have lost. At home I can’t properly remember things I ave said, apparently damaged bit bad short term memory. It hurts so much though. Take it easy n I hope psychotherapist helps Mike

Hello Yvonne,

I am so sorry to hear of your trauma. It is bad enough suffering with this MonSter, but it is a thousand times worse when you inadvertently hurt others. I also found myself in a similar position; all caused by depression and extreme anxiety. I found talking to a counsellor very useful too once I had found a really good one. I would certainly ask for some anti-depressants from your GP - I have found Citalopram incredibly useful, and the beta blockers I take just seem to make my life so much more mild. I am sure that you will feel several times better if you seek some help. Best of luck Yvonne, and loads of ((((HUGS)))),


my heart breaks when i read your just isn,t fair to us and our loved ones.i cry each day i want the old me back .i want to be able to look at my husband and not see the sadness and worry in his eyes.i thank god each day that i have my hubby we may have our moments when i shout and cry at him but i know with out him i would be lost .hes my rock so give your hubby a hug sit down and talk to each other .don,t let the ms win show it whose boss and make what you can of the life you have, cherrish every second of it because you do have someone who loves you and needs .

Hi everyone and thanks for replying I don’t feel so alone now knowing that others out there know what I’m going through. Still feel for my husband having to put up with me, I know he does so much for me and I should be grateful. I think some of it comes from me no longer doing anything when a few years ago I did all of it whilst my husband went to work. I haven’t worked for a while as I’ve been very disabled after car crash. He took on more and more as well as keeping his work going, from 2008 had life threatening illnesses, he began to look ill as he did so much, starting to look a little better now. Then I turn into a screeching monster, some way to say thanks. I can’t blame the meds, that was gabapentin now on 25mg twice a day of Lyrica. Told to take 300mg but if I raise it I always have to hurry to the bathroom.

I should be getting a new level entry door soon salesman has been and surveyor coming Wed. so if I can get out of the house easier things may change. I hope with the help of counsellor I will see more improvement. I was training as counsellor and reached level 2, just my luck that its someone I know eeeek.

A big thank you to Carole I think everyone has moments when they could throttle there other half

Gill I don’t think most men clean like women

Karen hubby just got back from walk that helps him stay calm

Poll I have a good arthritis forum if that’s any help. it may help keep your hubby calm if he can talk too,

Rehanna thanks it’s good to talk, I’ll be there for you,

Mike I know what your saying I accuse hubby of somethings he says he hasn’t said but in my mind he has

Moira Dr. mentioned anti-depressants but said she’d wait until I’d seen psychologist so watch this space

Anonymous yep there’s more to this illness that you don’t know unless you have it

Pat I hadn’t heard of Avonex but I will stay away after reading what it says and what you have said

We are going to decorate kitchen and I’ve said I will paint walls, try my best anyway.

I think this illness is worse beause it hits you but for you it’s like fighting clouds. If anyone wants to talk, moan or shout I’ll be there.

Thanks again and big (((((hugs)))))

Yvonne xx

Hi again. Glad to see the forum has helped you…lots of heads thinking at once can be great, eh?

Just wanna pick up on you mentioning needing a level entrance to your house. Have you tried asking the council? They can put permanant ramps in if the gradient is suitable.

luv Pollx

Hi Poll

They will arrange something but charge us full price so going with company we used years ago, before MS. Did think of asking OT but when we got steps and hand rails done she told me no point asking for more because you won’t get it. That was the 2nd OT 1st one was nice 2nd was a technical instructer if that should make a difference. Never asked for help paid for everything that I needed for last 26 years after car crash left me disabled but compo I got doesn’t last for ever nothing like todays rate.

How are you coping with this summer like weather? hope you can manage to cope with it.