Forum

Cold Husband

Primary progressive MS
#1

Just had another row with him…just feel that as im not working any more because of this stupid MS, that im so insignificant.

It kills me at times to cook meals for the family or to do the smallest amount of housework yet I have to beg or shout to get any help.

This time around he said “oh poor you, poor you”…In all honestly I am totally heartbroken. I didnt bring this disease into the row at all and certainly didnt ask for it yet I get no real help or understanding from him at all, yet when his Sister calls on the phone saying she is suicidal, he makes all the time in the world for her.

I often break down crying as often each day brings new symptoms or the realisation of this stupid disease hits me. (diagnosed in 2009 yet still coming to terms with my gradual loss of mobility) I am finding it harder to get up the stairs now as numbness and footdrop is slowly getting worse in my left leg & foot. Have mentioned this to him and said we will need to look at moving the bedroom downstairs soon, I cannot even remember the response now but not helpful anyhow.

I have never met such an unhelpful & lazy man at times. It breaks my heart at the thought of living this life for the rest of my life the same. Just dont know what to do anymore.

Dont get me wrong I know im no angel and dragged his family into the argument and swore at him so I am not fully blaming him, just feel he sees me as being lazy, awkward and stubborn, when in all honestly he doesnt see half the tears I shed when I realise I no longer am able to put up a shelf, a curtain rail, hoover throughout or mop the kitchen floor without rendering myself uncapable of cooking the evening meal due to no energy or strength left. (Just one job at a time!)

I have just given up smoking and am trying to lose weight at the same time and raise a family in what seems like at times a one parent family, just sitting here looking at all the jobs that are accumilating in the house and feeling so crap about myself be cause I can no longer do it all and have to rely on someone who wont even bother try to help me or get the kids to lift a lazy finger. I would not be here now if I didn`t have the children and worry about what it would do to them should I do anything silly…so stuck here…alive…

#2

I can’t say anything to make your situation better but I know how you feel in terms of the fatigue and feeling so down as things are so much harder than they used to be.

Sending you hugs and I hope that you can keep strong.

Take care,

K

#3

Hi, sounds really awful for you hon. The only thing I can think of is relationship counselling. Somehow you need him to understand how MS affects you and maybe talking about it in front of a 3rd party would be the answer. Although I know how difficult it can be getting a partner to agree with something like that. Try and talk to him without getting angry or upset (oh I know that’s hard) and try and say you need him to understand more about MS. He’s no doubt in denial. Just doesn’t want to admit what’s going on. Good luck… maybe also get some fact sheets on this site somewhere and also the MS Trust do some good ones… if you can get him to read them. Pat xx

#4

Hi

I am in the same train of thought as Pat, I think counselling is needed, but this may not happen unless he agrees.

Can you talk to your gp or ms nurse, as you sound so low (and I understand why) but perhaps some medication like anti depressants could help. Also if you have an OT could you ask for an assessment, there may be something they can think of in the way of aids that could help you.

Sorry I cant help more but sending you some (hugs)))) as it does sound terrible.

Pam x

#5

Thanks K, Pat and Pam.

I am already on “happy” pills and have been since just after I was diagnosed.

Getting him to agree to counselling will not be a problem as he is all for things like that and self help and motivational cd`s etc. In fact he forces me to listen to them in the car at times. To be honest I dont know if I want to attend myself as I really dont know if I want to be in this any more. He is never going to change, he is far too ignorant and stubborn (you know the type, his way is the ONLY way and he is always right).

If he wont accept what is going on with the MS and how it is progressing and to come to some sort of understanding and reasoning why should I bother. You see in the beginning I was the one who buried my head about the MS and he was into the fact finding and researching. Nows its the other way around. I feel everytime I report a new or worsening symptom, that its a burden or something I can actually stop. He may show support verbally at the time but he never mentions it again even when things are obvious and he sees me struggling. Why wont he help??

I am on a walking stick when out, which is not often and never too far alone due to leg weakness and real bad balance issues. When at home I wall walk. I even went and bought an exercise bike after xmas thinking it would help keep some leg strength. I am now looking at those wheeled walkers as they seem to be more stable and with the balance and weakness I can see one is going to be needed at some point and could offer some more independance.

All in all we have only been married for 2 1/2 years and together for 5 and I dont know if i have the strength to help him cope let alone myself and the children.

#6

Thanks K, Pat and Pam.

I am already on “happy” pills and have been since just after I was diagnosed.

Getting him to agree to counselling will not be a problem as he is all for things like that and self help and motivational cd`s etc. In fact he forces me to listen to them in the car at times. To be honest I dont know if I want to attend myself as I really dont know if I want to be in this any more. He is never going to change, he is far too ignorant and stubborn (you know the type, his way is the ONLY way and he is always right).

If he wont accept what is going on with the MS and how it is progressing and to come to some sort of understanding and reasoning why should I bother. You see in the beginning I was the one who buried my head about the MS and he was into the fact finding and researching. Nows its the other way around. I feel everytime I report a new or worsening symptom, that its a burden or something I can actually stop. He may show support verbally at the time but he never mentions it again even when things are obvious and he sees me struggling. Why wont he help??

I am on a walking stick when out, which is not often and never too far alone due to leg weakness and real bad balance issues. When at home I wall walk. I even went and bought an exercise bike after xmas thinking it would help keep some leg strength. I am now looking at those wheeled walkers as they seem to be more stable and with the balance and weakness I can see one is going to be needed at some point and could offer some more independance.

All in all we have only been married for 2 1/2 years and together for 5 and I dont know if i have the strength to help him cope let alone myself and the children.

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#7

I have a mobility scooter to help me out and about, it is honestly the best investment that I have made. Like you, I wall walk when at home.

Take your time and do what is best for you.

K

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#8

Hi so_ tired, Sounds awful for you…whichever route you take I do hope things work out for you, Bets wishes Nina

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#9

Sorry I am just doing a blog post on my http://disableddon.blogspot.co.uk/ blog saying I couldnt cope without my wife and family I cant do jack **** anymore. I hope you can get through this HUGS

#10

Sorry I am just doing a blog post on my http://disableddon.blogspot.co.uk/ blog saying I couldnt cope without my wife and family I cant do jack **** anymore. I hope you can get through this HUGS

1 Like
#11

Hello So Tired. I’ve had enough relationship issues in my MS riddled life to understand some of your anguish. Essentially I went against my natural instincts and began to put myself first. In the end I married late in life and while the road has been rough, we’ve travelled together. Think about your needs-including you psycholgical needs. People who care about you will follow. Best wishes, Steve.

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#12

Thanks Nina, Hoppity and Steve…

I have alot to think about and descisions to make and your thoughts and kind words have been a blessing right now.

I will keep you updated…xxx

#13

Sorry and Thanks also to kwbeanz x

#14

You’re welcome.

Hope you are well,

K

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#15

So sorry I can’t offer much other than a sympathetic ear and broad shoulder. Have you thought about seeing the gp as your happy pills might not be effective after so long, you might need a bit higher dose or change in type. Only you can decide whether working through your relationship issues or going it alone would be best for you. Neither are easy options but the decision can’t be made lightly and need input from your husband too, but remember that your decision has to be best for YOU. Living with a bad relationship is toxic without taking ms into consideration, your symptoms won’t improve if you’re stressed and unhappy though. Just remember that we’re here if you need us.

Cath xx

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#16

Thanks Kath

x

#17

Hello so tired

I am the one with MS and my wife would get angry because I would not ask her for her help even with simple things like putting on my shirt. I now ask without huffing and puffing and she does not get angry.

You need help. Why not ask your husband, nice and calm without demanding and see how you get on.

It’s all I can suggest and wish you happiness, hope and thoughts.

Patrick

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#18

Hi all

Just a short update, we are now going to relate counselling and I am about to begin counselling for myself.

Have changed happy pills from fluoxitine to sertraline and seem to be working a lot better although did come close to a melt down inbetween the change over where I could not stop crying for hours…

All in all its been an eye opener and I love my OH dearly so have to fight for our marriage. I have created a chore rota so the kids now have to help out without being nagged. And its been the OH who has told me to just chill and not worry about cooking etc and to do what works for me and makes me happy.

He has been so supportive of late, the ms seems to be getting worse slowly so has kinda panicked us both and we have just had to be there for one another of late…seems we are back on track.

But thanks guys and girls for your words or wisdom and kindness, gave me a little light at the end of the tunnel and made me think.

so hugs and thanks to you all

xxxxx

2 Likes
#19

Hya, I’m so pleased to read that things are better for you. It’s taken huge strides… counselling, change of meds, chore rota etc etc … so well done you for getting all of that together!

It just goes to show that we can make changes. No easily I know… but you have managed to turn your situation around & get it back on track. And I’m so pleased that things are working out better with your husband.

On the old smilies on here there used to be a silver cup… shame it’s not there… I would certainly award you a silver cup!

Take care and thanks so much for lovely positive post.

Pat xx

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#20

Hi so tired,

so very pleased that there now seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel!

well done! Can’t have been easy! Hope things go well for you.

nina x

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