So after 40 years you finally have had enough…
Why not walk in her shoes for one day. Just try it.
Sit down quietly, bottle of beer, and go back to how she used to be, before she got sick. 32 years is a long time sick. She probably is at the end of her rope.
Wake up every morning in pain, tired and confused, exhausted and fatigued. EVERYDAY. Feel good for five minutes and rejoice in the feeling, then WHAM something else hits you.
Lay awake in the night with your brain screaming, how can i do this anymore? No normality, having to be cared for, relying on people all the time.
Hide your car keys so you cant go out just see how it feels for one day to live the same life its mind blowing.
Your wife is lost. Scared, frightened, she doesn’t know how to feel or cope anymore, the last thing she needs right now is for her husband of 40 years to turn around and say, “your doing my head in, constantly going on about people criticising you, and this is the last straw, and i am walking away”… can you actually see what that would do too her. You have stayed for 40 years, didnt you realise that towards the end it would get harder for her… she needs you more now then ever.
Now is the time to call in family and friends and have a meeting about her welfare. She is in a bad place right now, you might not even notice it, as you have lived too closely.
She is scared and she is frightened. Talk to family and her doctor if you have too. Pay for her to have private councelling which will help her unload.
She needs support and family need to stop tip toeing around her, and be honest with her. If she blows, she blows, but egg shells break anyway and it sounds to me as if she is breaking and needs support to understand what is going on in her brain.
I think you BOTH need a break from each other. Go away for a few days, and just chill out. Its really hard to be with someone who is ill all the time.
She needs to understand she is upsetting you, stop protecting her. Tell her gently, if you have too.
My husband is really ill right now with COPD and getting over pneumonia. We have been together 24 years, and i am seeing him killing himself slowly with cigarettes, he has given up as he cant do what he used to do, and is dragging me down mentally. I have MS and i am HORRIBLE, no really… i have days i could scream and shout at him, and friends lol… its not funny but they tip toe around me all the time, think i am coping when i am not, and all I want is a CUDDLE. Reassurance … even normality, all they do is talk about my MS, and remind me how i cant do things… my sister doesnt she talks to me normally its bliss. I wake up in the morning and think god i wish i could just grab my car keys, handbag, get dressed and go out and do something normal, then i shake myself back to reality and realised, hell its just going to be another boring day, and if its not raining i might be able to take my dog out for a walk whilst i sit on my scooter…how hum…as I cant get away from him and his self pity lol.
Anyway i feel like walking away from my husband, there you go. He is driving me insane literally. Sits in his conservatory all day smoking. Doesnt help me in the house and gives me no love or support or reassurances. Its all about how he feels.
Full of self pity for how bad his life is… and he forgets mine is probably way worse, as i not only have to deal with my MS, but his COPD too… I should get a medal lol…
Life has no guarantees, every day is unknown. We dont know what will happen today, some will not make it until the end of the evening, and others will have found something wonderful, thats why i take each day as it comes.
You wife is lost. Your lost. So why dont you find each other again, give her a huge cuddle, love her for all the wonderful years you have had together, take her out who cares what she says, turn your ears off men usually are masters of that anyway, just enjoy what life you have left together, you stuck it this long, a few more years if your lucky with her, well its not much to put up with, and when you do finally part it will be on her terms and you will feel so much better and will be able to start a new life for yourself without the guilt.
Sorry i am rambling, but right now i know exactly where your wife is, and I know exactly how she feels. Just be there for her, and try and understand how hard it is for her. You sound a wonderful caring person, and yes it does get hard, in sickness and in health, but at least you have yours.
Hug, talk to each other, be honest with her, ask her is there anything you can do to make her feel better, if she blows she blows, then cuddle and her reassure her… but i think all the family need to be on this and yes you need to take more breaks from each other go do something normal for a change without feeling guilty. x
NB:
On another note, white matter disease can be a sign too of vascular dementia. She could be going through the stages of dementia, which changes a person. Have the doctors told her why she has so much white matter disease? Is there a reason it can be caused through tiny strokes, but whatever is the cause it will effect her cognivitely even if the MS doesnt.
I think she needs reevaluating, like i said it sounds to me, she is scared and confused, and this could be one of the causes of it. x