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Struggling in marriage

I know my husband has this awful disease but sometimes i struggle to know if it’s the m’s that makes him grumpy or just me as his wife. he has RRMS so there are days when he feels awful and days where he feels good.

I try so hard to be happy with him, keep the house just the way he likes. dress pretty for him, seduce him. He puts everything into the children and his career but as soon as they’re in bed he shuts down with me. If something annoys him in the morning, that’s it for the rest of the day. He shuts down with me so quickly.

i’m so lonely in this marriage.

We’ve tried councelling a few times.

I’ve even left once. He begged me to come back saying things would be different but they soon went back.

I can’t leave as easily now as we have more children and they’ve grown a few years, so they would really understand what was going on and it would be so horrible for them.

Stop trying to please him, dont you have your own life too, i know your a mother but cant you find your own things to enjoy. Seems your almost at his beck and call. I take it he works. I dont know him nor have i met him, but I am sure he was bought up the traditional way. Where the women did the mens bidding, bore children, and be the wife almost reminds me of the film the Stepford wives, where they were so perfect.

You are not a robot, but a warm human being who is trying her best to look after a disabled husband, and have chidlren, be PERFECT, its all about HIM. what he wants, you have to keep the house to make him happy, dress to make him happy, seduce him, care for his children etc etc.

MS as far as I know is different for everyone, but it seems it has nothing to do with his MS but who he is… I dont like what I read to be honest. He sounds a self absorb narcissist.

What are the traits of a narcissist?

But narcissism is much more than that. A narcissist, or person with narcisstic traits, has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, a constant need for attention and praise, fantasies about power, a sense of entitlement, and a history of exploiting others for personal gain.

I am speaking totally honestly here, I may be way off base, but where is YOUR LIFE in all of this. When the children go to bed he shuts down so I take it you get nothing from him, no thank you, praise or YOU LOOK nice etc. You you sit there being ignored.

In the good old words in my head I would say S*d that and find a girlfriend and go off to the pictures for the night. You need to be less at his beck and call. Find your own life. If he doesnt like it well then he will have to get used to it wont he.

He is controlling you basically. He didnt want you to leave as it meant he would have no one to do his bidding, or take control of.

If you truly love this man, then YOU NEED TO CHANGE. Its up to you to gain control back i bet you were never like this before you got married.

Take back a little bit of you, and be someone out of the marriage.

No MS has nothing to do with this. Unfortunately. xxx

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If you were to take MS out of consideration, would you remain married to this man? If the answer is no, then essentially you have your answer.

MS can lead us to change our personality somewhat, maybe it makes us permanently out of sorts, or angry at the world. But the disease is not what forms our basic identity. And unless he has utterly changed upon diagnosis or greater disability, then it’s not MS.

It doesn’t sound from what you’ve written that your husband has any real consideration for you at all.

But honestly, do you live in the 1950s? You try so hard to be happy…keep the house…dress pretty…seduce him??? It really sounds as though the last 50 years of feminism had never taken place.

I’m not in any way blaming you for the way your husband treats you, but it does sound as though he is the Lord of the house. Everything is done for him and with his comfort in mind. Including your sex life. Is there left over anything for you?

MS is not an excuse for treating any other person badly. If I treated my husband like that, he’d soon be questioning what exactly he got from the marriage.

I do hope you can find some way of either changing your relationship, or some other way to make yourself happy.

Just don’t give MS all the credit for the way this man treats you.

Sue

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Yeah I’m good, went vegan, meditate daily, exercise as much as I can and MS behaves itself. I have two beautiful girls. Life is good for me right now :slight_smile:

I thought marriage was a partnership, and in any team there needs to be a balance of give and take. As Sue said take the MS out of the equation and have a think about what you get from this partnership. My MS can make me sad or grumpy but it is my responsibility to know when I can be selfish and when I need to be extra considerate to my wife. How would you advise a good friend in a similar situation. All the best Mick

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