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Some Jokes for this dreary Tuesday (Tyronerose)

[a=#400040 ]A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, ‘Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?’ The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, ‘I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.’ The husband replies, ‘What did he say about your 42-year old arse?’ ‘Your name never came up,’ she replied[/a] Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’ The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’ The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.’ Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’ The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’ The brunette explains, 'My sister’s blonde. The word is big. She’ll read it very slowly… ‘com-for-da-bul.’ Thank You Letter > > This letter was sent to the LionsBaySchool > Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a > luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio > at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank > you. > > This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone > you know who might need a lift today. > > > Dear LionsBaySchool, > > > God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent > Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the > West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has > passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the > kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 > and has always had her own radio; but before I received > one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she > was napping. > > The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke > into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. > She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to > f*ck off. > > Thank you for that opportunity. > > Sincerely, > > Edna