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Since Breakup

Hi everyone hope your all doing well. Rcently broke up with my girlfriend who has RRMS. We have kind of stayed friends, Texts and been out a few times etc. Her personality has changed for the worse since our break up."Stress of break up " perhaps? Angry most of the time,she did tell me she was angry about “us” her emotions seem to be all over the place. Last saturday we went out and unfortunately the evening ended in a massive argument, to the point she went into panic or anxiety mode. Maybe I am wrong but sounded to me like she is paranoid. Reason I say this she seemed to have convinced herself i was going to physically harm her.During our relationship I never raised a hand to her, never would hit a woman anyway, she then told me i was driving like an idiot and that people do drive into brick walls with there girfirends in the car. We also had a conversation in the car where she said someone at work could be looking to stitch her up. She seems to think everyone is out to get her kind of thing When I got her home she opened the car door while the car was moving. when i eventually stopped she just ran into her house crying. I called her on my way home and she said she needed to be safe in her own home with her things around her. She seems obsessed with her “bubble” sort of thing

My mum phoned her a week or so ago and ex girlfriend kind of opened up to her, they barely know each other, and told my mum that she struggles most days to carry on working. she loves her job btw. BUT she needs the money, obviously for rent etc as we all do. She doesnt sleep properly, always the dreaded fatigue symptom, Some days she does not eat all day except for a couple of biscuits then she eats a non healthy meal at night. She appears to me be living in fear and is definetly in denial with the “i am not ill i am fine” attitude. She just seems to me to be emotionless. I have mentioned that maybe a visit to the GP is whats needed and she just said “I am fine” Obvioulsy I am totally in love with this lady and if its over its over and I know MS is huge strain on relationships and many end because of it. I am extremely worried about her. She has changed so much.

Thoughts and experiences on this please

Hi mate bit of a tricky 1 tbh you gotta be careful personally a break up is a break up and as tough as it is this means most ties cut as tbh by taking her out is slightly playing with her feelings and probably ( not definately) making things worse as in a clean breakup we have days or weeks of hurt licking our wounds then man up (and woman up) and get on with it but definatelly sounds like she needs help with my PTSD i was absessed about being in my enviroment and safe (because of what caused the ptsd) to the extreme that i never went out and everytime i heard sirens or saw the lifeboat id panic and want to hide away, she needs someone to get her to her gp sadly i dont think this can be you as your too close, perhaps get your mum to go around and take her failing that you could make a cause for concern call to her gp that may and only may trigger a house call but you gotta stay clear and give her some room tbh mate soz if any the above isnt what you wanna hear but tis the way i see it and others will see it differently i think her eating is the least of her problems hope things come good

respect sheep

Hey Sheep…no all good what u came back with. …but she got back in touchwith me after 6 weeks…she wants to be the friends thing. …she just seems like really confused about everything. She ended the relationship. To much emotional stress in her head?? Each ttme ive seen her ive seen her ladt 2 weekends the evening starts off great then she will have a nasty dig about us. Saturday before last I said to her not doing the friends thing. Not wat I want im done etc…she was really hurt I cud see on her face. I still believe that het MS was a large contributing factor in the break up. My mum barely knows her so would not want mum to go round there and it all goes stressfully wrong…ex gf mum sees the ex every day and again im was never that close to exes mum. Im just asking on here about are the symptoms similar to what maybe others have or are experiencing. Ive suggested she goes to gp and I get the im fine…ggggggrrrr no your not effing fine your symptoms are getting worse. …

Oh dear, I can see how much you still care for this girl`s emotional well being

Has she been diagnosed a while, or is it a fairly new thing? If it is new, then her emotions will be all over the place. It can take some people years to accept MS.

On the other hand, spending years in denial is very unhealthy…but even having said that, there is always the exception to the rule. If someone has relatively minor symptoms, then denial may be a way of coping for them.

If the beak up is for definite, then I think it would be better for you to back off. I know you still care a lot for her, but to keep raking over dead leaves, will do her no good at all.

Do you know any of her close friends? Could you speak to them? If your ex has a MS nurse, perhaps someone could suggest/persude her to speak to that nurse.

Eee lad, its toughun alright!

luv Pollx

Hi boudica, indeed i still care for this lady. Both ove of our lives this is why break up has affected us both. I think because of her condition its has hit her harder. As for her close friends she doesnt have that many except one and again we barely know each other. Not exaclty been raking over dead leaves its just that she is so nasty. Which is not her of old. She actually said to me that because our relationship was not public…long story which I wont go into here…that the stress made her ill and of course brought on a major episode that lasted a few weeks. She was diagnosed, if my memory serves late 2012 early 2013, dont know if thats classed as long time but I do remember and it will haunt me for the rest of my life the day she got the news. I got a call asking me would I not go into work and she needed to see me. As I opened the front door she just fell into my arms and sobbed. Then she showed me the letter “mild RMMS”. Yes an effing letter, how cold is that. She had been getting vision trouble a for a few years due to a horse riding accident which resulted in a fractured skull. Lesions are on the right side front lobe of the brain,or they were. Of course this si the emotional side of the brain etc. Again have no idea if she has been back to GP or even has an MS nurse…Knowing her as I do and the “im fine” attitude tells me NO!!! She has constant Fatigue and has what I posted above, Looked around the proper MS websites and another forum. From what I am reading and the way she is acting there is definete denial, anxiety, paranoia, cant sleep properly along with night mares and the anger is more or less constant. Like I said she contacted me 6 weeks after break up to say can we be friends…She was so loving and attentive and now she is angry most of the time, People are to get her…My ex family,part of the long story…are scycotics…I scare her as says she knows what I am capable of…this comes from something I told her when I was 20 I am now 50. Again will not go into that as it was part of growing up rubbish…she has STML she comes home from work and shuts herself away in her bubble. I do fear for her and have left her alone. Last time we texted was sunday. That was 3 hours plus a phone call then for maybe 5 minutes in the evening. Sunday was strange as saturday nights argument was not even mentioned and she was saying about going out this weekend…I do fear for her future. BUT the condition has got much worse since our break up and she has no empathy or emotion towards me and perhaps others

And she has now developed a fear of crowds, i just cant believe all this in less than 3 months…she was kind of ok before then the odd episode and but did notice a change in her personality from last november.

Mr Worried, I think you need to take a break from worrying about your ex-GF and start paying proper attention to your own needs.

You have asked for the thoughts of strangers (strangers with MS) who know nothing about your situation, so here (in brutal summary) are mine: what we have here is a bloke who has been dumped and is now being strung along for her own purposes by a very troubled person who doesn’t want him but who wants reassurance that she still has power over him.

My advice? Snap out of ‘saviour’ mode, and look after your own emotional well-being. Beware the, ‘but I just want us to be friends’ trap. Never in the history of romantic relationships has that one ended well - or not, at least, for the one who still holds a torch for the other one. .

Good luck.

Alison

1 Like

Alison think your way out of line this girl has no control over her emotions as far as I can see so do not judge who or what you do not know. I am here purely looking for answers from those that suffer the same terrible debillitating illness. I know all about the friends zone rubbish. SO I care about her, so what, Have not spoken to her in 3 days and doubt I will again but thats my choice not anybody elses. Like I said theres a much bigger picture that I will not go into detail here as its a private matter. IF u care to read the posts u will see my concerns are not for me, not for getting her back, its information or similar experiences from others I am after. I have read many things about MS emotional liabilty MS paranoia, MS Bipolar MS cognitions and the biggest thing of all stress related excacerbations. SHort version I think the stress leading up to the break up moved her RMMS along. She also will not go to GPs etc she is not going to listen to me nor can I get her into the forums type of things to help her understand what the hell is going on. SHE WILL NOT DISCUSS THE ILLNESS the only person she has discussed with is my mum and she met my mum once again explained in one of the postings. From what my mother tells me she is struggling daily to continue working so I would imagine she very fearful of not being able to pay bill, rent, food etc, bloody 36 and her life comes to this. yea saviour I bloody wish, had an ex wife with cancer before this girl then this girl get Diagnised with MS…Yea really good saviour Im gonna make, My dad died 7 years ago lung cancer, was I the saviour then…NO I could not save him…ex wife had breast cancer could I help her…NO…she is still alive but still unable to work…ex GF gets diagnosed with MS…Im such a good saviour…2 woman in a row that get seriously sick…anything u want to slate me on love…

Hi Worried,

Sounds like she is having a bit of a breakdown to me, her behaviour seems to go to extreme levels from what you describe and she has only been diagnosed with " mild ms" ???

If she would just bite the bullet and see her GP, she could be referrred for cognitive behaviour therapy or indeed be prescribed meds which will make her less anxious and paranoid. She’ll start to see things with a more rational mindset.

Is she taking any sort of meds at the mo? Are they having adverse side effects which may explain her moods?

It could be the fear of how ms will affect her future, she could be terrified that she will become totally dependant on others but loads of us with ms will probably not get to this stage at all.

It’s a shame that she is reluctant to talk to us here or even read some of the posts. There willl be people on here who can identify with her and a lot of us will understand what she is feeling and I don’t think any subject is particularly taboo , we can discuss all ms things without embarrassment or judgement. She can post anonomouly if she wishes, it’s sometimes a lot easier to talk to strangers.

Tbh you also sound as if you’re falling apart, I really don’t mean that offensively but you appear to be in panic mode and beating yourself up a bit…it’s not your fault that two woman in your life have got/had serious health problems…it’s just a crap co-incidence.

You can only do so much to help this lady but she has to try to help herself as well. There is help out there for her, she just needs to ask for it.

[quote=alison100]

Mr Worried, I think you need to take a break from worrying about your ex-GF and start paying proper attention to your own needs.

You have asked for the thoughts of strangers (strangers with MS) who know nothing about your situation, so here (in brutal summary) are mine: what we have here is a bloke who has been dumped and is now being strung along for her own purposes by a very troubled person who doesn’t want him but who wants reassurance that she still has power over him.

My advice? Snap out of ‘saviour’ mode, and look after your own emotional well-being. Beware the, ‘but I just want us to be friends’ trap. Never in the history of romantic relationships has that one ended well - or not, at least, for the one who still holds a torch for the other one. .

Good luck.

Alison

totally agree with you Alison. This guy has asked for advice and seems to only want to hear what suits him.

Hi Mr Worried Its catch 22 ,but you really sound like you need a shoulder too and when you CARE about someone and have lost loved ones there is no quick fix into getting all things in order. Your human as is she life is an absolute biatch at the best of times. MS isn’t unique in that with any illness chronic or other wise its impact is bound to affect everyone individually. You’ve had so much poo come your way that I get from your posts that you are reaching out for some help and affirmation for yourself. Sometimes seeing those we love suffering makes us question sometimes sub consciously ourselves,our own purpose,being,emotions our everything,it’s stressful it’s un -fair and bl**dy hard to come up with all the answers. But you DON’T have to come up with the answers you don’t have to dig for a solution, you’re just going to end up exhausted and make yourself ill. If you care about her then you have to crack the nut and make her see and understand.If that is what you want from her a future?! If not then you can ‘do the friends thing’ I’ve done it for the past few years, and have always been the ‘care giver’ before that to someone else…don’t mean in a carer role but as the one that tries to make sure everyone is ok,it’s not uncommon everybody in any kind of relationship takes on some kind of role, don’t they?You can remain friends honestly only if you want that and don’t feel obliged to be. You aren’t doing and haven’t done anything wrong and neither has she,you’re both human right? You don’t want to give up on her completely hence your post, and there is nothing wrong with that, the main thing is you need to take control of your being and destiny, only you can be at the steering wheel where that is concerned. Sorry haven’t provided you with a solution,would have been lovely to have done that for you. X

zetland your wrong, end of conversation

Fudgey/Anonymous thank u they are the answers I have been looking for, Basically confirmation that what I am seeing and hearing is correct. She is on no meds no nothing. Will not go to see GP will not discuss her MS. has no MS nurse. Its the " I am fine not ill" attitude, total denial and she just gets on with it causing herself more harm. Takes paracetamol every 4 hours, constant headache constant fatigue etc etc. Her actions last time I saw her were a shock and also what she told my mum. For those that have been supportive in my search for what I was asking thank u very much. I am going to call the ms helpline today and go from. For those that have slated me thats your opinion. End of the day I am just looking for answers as I know each person is different in there symptoms. MS can take many different courses. I know what I saw and heard and have investigated via the internet. IF I decide to do the friends thing thats my decision but thats looking doubtful right now. Thanks again guys and wish u all the best in your quest against this debillitating unfair disease. Im out

Mr Worried,

The fact that you are so worried about your friend - shows the extent of your concerns for her. How much of her behaviour/psychological problems is down to MS - l do not know. And whether she had these problems before her MS - and they are now exacabated by the MS - fear of the unknown.

l have had primary progressive ms - for 32 ys. So no remissions - just one long relapse. And l hope l do not show any signs of paranoia. Depression is one of the usual ms symptoms - and l do think that folk do not realise that they are suffering with depression.

lt doesnt sound as if she is looking after herself properly. And l think diet makes a huge difference to anyones well-being whether they have an illness or not. We are what we eat.

lnterestingly, she did seem to open up to your mother.[ Your mum sounds as caring as you] So she might really benefit from talking to someone. Her GP -or the MSSociety could put her in touch with a professional - psychologist/therapist - perhaps your mum could talk some more to her and suggest this is a way to go.

l would be surprised if she did not look at some of the forums - as she has been diagnosed - l would have thought simple curiosity would have made her interested. You have obviously done some ‘homework’. But don’t ever think that everyone with MS have ALL the problematical symptoms.

You didnt mention whether your friend has any close relatives or friends that know what is happening with her. lt does sound as if she needs urgent help to turn her life around - left to her own devices it seems she will only get worse. And that help will best be from someone who is not too close to her.

Does she know you have posted on here? - Might be worth telling her - and if she reads the post/replies it might just be the thing to wake her up to her problems.

Keep strong - and look after number 1.

Hi Spacejacket, The reason I mention paranoia is because she thinks im out to harm her in some way also someof her work aquiantances are also out to stitch her up, again on researching MS stuff I came across pscycosis and also bipolar both of which are not nice to add to the already exacerbating MS sympstoms. Not ALL Msers suffer from these extras, sorry no offence but a large percentage do, again according to medical papers online on this very subject. She was not this way when we first first met and her personality has definetly changed. She has her mum her sister and one good friend and I doubt who again I barely know and I am very doubtful she has spoken to them…again long story. She also has nightmares or hallucinations?? not sure about that one and also does not sleep thru the night and I agree she is definetly in the depression zone.

For some reason yes she did talk to my mum who is an ex nurse and like i said ex gf hardly knows her. Went to my friend the day after and she said that my mum had called her BUT lied to me about what they spoke about. I have read many articles on reason why this and why that and everything else that goes with the illness. Theres so much help out there and I wish she would not take the stand of “im fine” denial goes so far until it goes to far then its dangerous. I admire anybody that can cope with a serious life changing illness, not sure I can answer that if I were asked.

No she has no idea I have posted here and again have no idea if she has even looked at forums, perhaps in the beginning but not lately. She also works outdoors so heat can bring on temporary symptoms but sunshine ie vitamin D does not affect???

Hi worried glad i didnt offend as that wasnt my intention buddy hang in there keep trying everything you can to get her help , but also make sure you dont get dragged into any situation that could effect your mental well being buddy , i hope she gets help and listens to you eventually , its a long process it took me 8yrs before i hit rock bottom and admitted to needing help and as it turned out the PTSD was and still is a real thing , but to get to the point of asking for help took years and pain and awful for my wife who stuck by me and accepted who i was and my nightmares and flash backs etc shes a gem, just make sure your okay bud as the friends thing never works it usually results in it all fading out or you end up back together which is all good good just as long as your happy and thats the main thing mate, hope all works out good and she gets help and becomes a new person but shes gotta wnat it 1st, stay safe mate and all the best

respect sheep

Sheep thanks a lot bud appreciate the concern. 8 years??? wow. Your lucky to have a wife like u have my friend…Dont think shes that far from rock bottom judging by her behaviour and what she told my mum. Struggling most days to go to work, needs the money, like we all do for rent bills etc so financial stress is a big life thing obviously. Its very frustrating for me because I knew who she was but now I have no clue who she is but I understand why she is now the way she is. The anger etc is not uncommon.

yep sounds very familar buddy it changed me i went from an outgoing everything for charity which in my case was on the lifeboats but full of life full of energy and socialising and drinking and having fun and watch my kids grow to a complete bad tempered wreck that struggled to get out of the bedroom let alone the house , now im doing loads of charity work for other charities and hopefully making a difference i dont resemble the before or during me at all now , i am a new me learning to live with ms and sight in 1 eye and learning again thats its okay to feel down or scared at times and its normal but also to focus more on the what coulds rather than the what ifs , its a loooong road but fingers crossed she will get there buddy stay positive my friend

regards sheep

sheep feeling it for ya bud…MS covers such broad range of symptoms due to lesions on the brain and also which part of brain etc. Ive learnt so much just from doing research but im far from an expert. Drugs they give all got effing side affects of some sort. Its an invisible disease and I was shocked to find out that the effing DSS really class MS as a disability which is total BS. Whole other post where thats concerned. Found out legalitys of driving and insurance etc. I see elsehwere on here there a fair few that can laugh at themselves for a lot of stuff which I thinks great but then others having a real hard tuff time of it. Other forums theres some real sad stories etc. I had to close down the computer at one stage some it was overhwelming. I just cannot believe wjat a life changer MS is. Props to all those that can somehow carry on, obviously with help.

Me again. Been interesting reading your replies and responses to them…the main thing here is getting your ex to a doc …if she doesnt get medical help soon, then I fear she wil collapse into a heap of something and be in total breakdown.

It is clear you have done your level best, to no avail. I am so sorry she wont listen to you…but…

to me, there is something in the fact that she has spoken to your mum about her problems.

Perhaps this is the only light at the beginning of that long dark tunnel to your ex getting some kind of grip on what`s happening.

Not sure about the high percentage of folk with MS who get serious mental issues…but if you`ve read so, then fair enough hun.

One thing I do know is that taking paracetomol for headaches, just brings on rebound headaches.so she is in a vicious circle with that. Feverfew tablets is a good alternative remedy for headaches.

So all in all, I reckon youve had the opinions of a few of this foums members.

In conclusion I`ll say that I truly hope things improve for you and your ex. Truly I do.

luv Pollyx

aaaw polly thank u so much xo

Your first comment says it all…yes agree she will collapse into meltdown city…did not know about the paracetamol thank u for that…cant remember the exact figure for mental illness but its not a low figure think it comes under at first cognitive probs then goes from there…her episodes are on the right hand side of her frontal lobe which is the one we use for thinking, emotions etc and when she gets the eye probs she gets a burning headache which from what Ive been told is some kind of fluid burning new lesions…think i said that right,like i said im no expert…her episodes are lasting longer and coming more frequently. IF it is mental illness that cud come from deep depression along side bipolar and pscycosis type of thing…she just goes home from work and cuts herself off in her own little bubble as she calls it…that in itself is not healthy in that state of mind…she has always been a private person…I picked her up last saturday the red face told me she was angry and had a banging headache and full of fatigue which is getting to be a normal thing for her so she tells me…ive been at hers before and tried to leave coz she is trying to pick an argument but she tells me to stay…I do try and make her laugh when shes like that but I GET THE SCOWL,

I personally dont think she is able to reason with herself over what she shud do for the best for herself…Shame I cant have her sectioned under the mental health act…I am joking but you know what I mean