Struggling with my girlfriend's MS

Caring for someone with MS
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Hi, I am new to this site and forum but thought I’d join because recently I’ve been struggling. I apologise in advance for the long speech.

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year. Just a few months before we met she was diagnosed with RRMS. On our first date she was open with me and told me that she had just recently been diagnosed with MS. Admittedly I didn’t know much about it at the time. She said she told me this to give me a chance to not get involved with her. We continued to date and I told her that I wanted to and would treat our relationship like any other normal relationship and wouldn’t let her MS change my thinking of our future. Fast forward to now and we are madly in love with each other and she leads an almost completely normal life with obviously a few symptoms rearing their head. With her being recently diagnosed, she has zero mobility problems which is great. She does however suffer from severe back pain, a numb hand, hip pain, occasional balance issues and cog fog. This is not every day but just an example of the symptoms she has when she has them. Very recently we have discussed the possibility of us buying a house together. I believe I have handled her MS well but have recently started to become upset. It sounds so horrible and I feel so guilty and selfish for thinking this way but I have started to think about how she will be in 10 years time and how I would possibly need to be her carer and it really upsets me and I do doubt whether I am strong enough. On her bad days it breaks my heart watching her struggle and how upset it makes her. She’s such a wonderful woman and like everybody else, doesn’t deserve this. I have started to look at the bigger picture with the likelihood of MS being involved in our lives in a more aggressive manner than it is now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how to describe how I’m feeling. All I know is that it’s totally selfish of me. Selfish of me to think about “running away”. She doesn’t have any family in the UK and it upsets me even more thinking about leaving her all alone. She’s amazing, funny, sweet and does so much for me. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m embarrassed to think it let alone say it but I don’t want to grow old with her and watch her suffer and deteriorate over time. She’s the last person on earth who deserves this and I wish I was strong enough to be that person for her but I’m not sure I am. Our future with MS terrifies me.

I’m so sorry to everyone who has to live with this condition or has to care for someone with MS. Most importantly I’m so sorry to the love of my life for failing her.

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MG, if you didn’t have your reservations I’d be surprised. Firstly, you haven’t failed her, MS can be a frightening prospect for all involved. I told my husband (& still do) to go & get a life without me, I’m glad he hasn’t but I still feel I am holding him back sometimes. There is no guarantee your girlfriends MS will get worse, she may stay as she is, albeit with the same symptoms she’s experiencing now. I’m presuming she has been given treatment? Truth is none of us know how this bloody thing will turn out, but in my opinion you can’t build a life together on what ifs & uncertainty. If you are really sure you can not cope should it get worse, don’t build a relationship with serious commitments if you know you can’t follow it through. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it would be better to walk away now, sympathy is the last thing she needs. Only you know how you feel. I suggest you tell her your fears, it’s only fair. Don’t beat yourself up over it, it’s a founded fear, she will thank you if you need to go now, don’t leave it until it’s resentment later on. Wishing you both all the best Tracey xx

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Hi,

All you have to do is tell her what you you told us here.

There will be tears but I think she will thank you.

Regards,

Anthony

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MG if you are crazy in love, you love her, ALL of her and that includes the crap MS brings. When my partner and I met, I had MS (walked with a stick), he was on dialysis. We were Grown Ups and realised health wise its not gonna get better and that was part of who we were.

It wasn’t easy finding somewhere, but 8 years on we are iving together - we are co-carers - I trained to help him dialyse at home. He has to handle me using a wheelchair and being zonked in the afternoon. So go for it. You don’t know the future - but enjoy the present.

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