I’m sitting here, trying to muster the mental drive to get out. I’ve done the washing up and hung the washing out, and need to go to shops, but can’t be bothered to put scooter in car…this is pathetic. I think laziness and lack of drive is self fulfilling but I’m just being very sluggish and useless. Go go go out you stupid woman, ahhhhhggggggggg
beautiful day and still blobby. Hope all well out therexxx
dont be hard on your self, i have the strongest will in the world,but when my body says NO it means NO,and theres nothing that can make it do what i want ,we just have to accept our limitations,of which MS causes very many.
i cant drive anymore,and it broke my heart to admit that i just couldnt drive anymore,i learnt to drive because i could hardly walk,so i found a way round not being able to walk,so my independance was taken from me for a 2nd time,
make the most of being able to do what you still can do,and when you are able you will be able to get out…
J x
thank you MrsJ, you’re right of course. It’s just getting started isn’t it?
im sorry to hear you can’t get out in the car on your own, that must have been a tough moment of realisation for you. Do you have any other independent thing, a scooter or such? I know this whole thing is very much a mind over matter thing, but some independence is so important however small, and losing it is dreadful.
Hope your having a good day xxx
This is absolutely the bane of my life.
If I’m really honest, I think I was prone to it before I got ill (or at least before I realised I was), and I can also see it in my late father (late in more ways than one - he never used to pay a bill until the red notice came, and things like that).
So I do think there’s a bit of a family trait there to overcome, but I also think it has got worse since my illness.
I actually get anxious about doing things - sometimes it’s because I’m expecting them to be a hassle psychologically, other times (e.g. with housework) I think I’m daunted by the physical magnitude of the task. But then I get anxious about not having done stuff too. So I’m anxious about doing things, but uncomfortable with NOT doing them - Catch-22.
I’ve started keeping a record of achievements, however modest, so I can see the things I have done, and not keep beating myself up so much about all the ones I still haven’t.
Today, apart from being stuck on the phone to my mum for an hour, I’ve done an hour’s housework, two short Dutch lessons, washed and hung up the tea towels, paid all the outstanding utility bills, ordered my vitamin D - quite a lot for someone who is ill, even though there’s ten times that still waiting to be done.
Give yourself credit for the things you have managed to do, as sometimes it adds up to quite a lot.
I must admit, if I’ve got a choice of cleaning the loo or doing a Dutch lesson, I’ll probably do the Dutch lesson, but I’m trying to wean myself off thinking of that as “time wasted”, because I wasn’t idle - I was doing something that took effort. I wasn’t vegged out in front of Jeremy Kyle or whatever.
Tina
x
Tina’s got it down, absolutely give yourself credit for what you do manage to do. Sometimes the best I manage is getting out of bed and (if I’m lucky) getting dressed. But I count that as a plus because it sure beats the alternative!
Don’t beat yourself up about what you didn’t do (easier said than done, I know!), it’s not you being lazy, you’ve achieved plenty today, good for you! I know it’s really hard to not think you are being lazy. This stuff our brain does to us is hard to comprehend (it’s no surprise that other people don’t understand, when it makes no sense to us).
We judge ourselves by our pre-MS performance, so it’s no surprise that we come up woefully short in just about every area.
Slight update on this - I’ve just made a phone call I’ve been putting off for days - no, weeks! It wasn’t that it was likely to be a confrontational phone call - it was just a piece of bureaucracy about one of my shareholdings, and I expected it to be a bit of a palaver - and I’m allergic to palaver, so I’ve been avoiding it.
Well, I just rang them, and they were nice as pie and very efficient, and I’ve got three admin queries sorted out in less than 10 minutes - everything is in order - it was only a very minor thing wrong - nothing insurmountable - AND they owe me £14.56 from an uncashed cheque dating from 2005, so are going to reissue that (less £2.50 handling charge, unfortunately), but still I’ve got £12.06 coming, which more than covers the cost of the phone call.
So my tip is pick just ONE thing you’ve been putting off, and do it - you might get a nice surprise how easy it is! 
I’m now sitting here wondering what on earth I was nervous about. I’d got it into my head it was going to be big time stress - like most call centres.
Tina
x
Hmmm. Spoke too soon, I think.
Followed everything the nice lady said, to the letter, in confidence it was sure to work…but it didn’t.
I’d made the mistake of not asking her to hold on the phone (but the call was at my expense), while I actually tried it out. I just took her word as gospel, and expected to be able to get off the phone and do it!
Basically, on the online portal, it’s showing I do NOT own any shares in that company! Yet on the phone, she was able to see my holding, and confirm I certainly do. She said that all I needed to do was manually add it, for it to show, because sometimes it does not populate automatically. So I easily tracked down the place where you manually add, supplied the details of the investment (name and shareholder reference), and it said: “Sorry, we cannot find any shareholding matching those particulars; please check you haven’t mistyped.”
No, I haven’t mistyped - and what’s more I’ve just spoken to a woman who confirmed she could SEE the shareholding. I gave her the same shareholder reference I’m using to try to view it myself, so if the person on the phone can see it alright, why can’t I, at home?
It just keeps saying that shareholding doesn’t exist - it does; they’ve just told me it does! Grrrrr.
Tina
x
Hopefully that’s just going to be something needing to update somewhere. Hope it gets sorted soon!
I think I’ve lost the will to live. I’m questioning whether it really matters that I can’t “see” the shares, as I’ve confirmed (on the phone) I still own them, and the dividends must come from somewhere, so I don’t think there’s really any doubt I’m on the register. It’s just that if you can see them online, you get instant valuations, it will automatically update if you acquire more through a dividend reinvestment plan (so you don’t have to manually do it yourself), and you can do things online, such as change your dividend mandate. None of this is absolutely essential - just useful. Obviously the key thing was confirming the shares aren’t “lost”, and are still recognised as belonging to me.
Apparently the “only” reason (haha) you might not be able to see them are if they are registered in a different name to the one you now have. Well, I’ve never been married, and never changed my name for any reason, so the name I’m using now is the one and only name I’ve ever had. Furthermore, I know that is the name I’m registered in, because dividends and any communications about the shares (AGM invitations, voting papers etc) all come with my correct full name printed on them. So if there was a typo on the register, or it was something silly like I’d not used my middle name previously, but was trying to now - or vice versa, it would be obvious, because I’d be able to see my name on the correspondence was not my correct name as I use it.
I think this is a perfect example of why I put off trying to sort this kind of thing - I expect nonsense like this.
And frustratingly, before ending the call, I was already invited to do the client survey, in which I said how happy I’d been with the support received. There is now no way to go back and say: “Actually, it was shit, because it didn’t work!”
Tina
This is the exact reason I’m so very glad I’m married to a man who can put up with doing things like this with just about good humour. I absolutely can’t bring myself to make phone calls any more. Today I finally reapplied for my blue badge and that was bad enough, just gathering together the right bits of paper, photocopying them, digging out a reasonably recent passport photo, filling in the form, finding an envelope, etc, etc. If there’d been a phone call involved I suspect another few weeks would have gone by without me having done it. I can’t believe I used to have a proper job where I dealt with complex issues, wrote letters and training programs and actually phoned people. All day, every day! And I even liked doing it! Nowadays I put off doing everything. I sort of have a semi rule, I do one thing per day. Today it was the blue badge. Tomorrow I’ll reorder catheters and that’ll probably be all I achieve. (And I’ve worked out how to do that by email rather than phone)
Well done Tina. You have my admiration for your sticktoitness!
Sue
Trouble is, Sue, I didn’t really stick to it, did I? Instead, I’m questioning whether I can just live with it as it is (which isn’t correct), because it’s only an inconvenience, and I’ve confirmed the shares are still in my name - which was the critical thing. I just can’t view the holding online for some reason. I should be able to, but I don’t know if it’s worth sorting out.
Now I’ve got to get online and amend tomorrow’s grocery order.
I find that even with online shopping, doing it all in one go is too much sometimes, so I check out the order without finishing it, to guarantee the slot, and then have to go back in and edit it before the amendment deadline.
I really don’t want to do that right now, but if I don’t get on and do it, I’ll receive an order that’s missing things I want tomorrow.
I only do a “big shop” about once a month or once every six weeks, so as it will be a long time 'til the next one, it’s stupid not to get everything I want.
Just really want to go to bed instead, though.
Tina
x
Hello to all the good people in MS land. As a t shirt logo once read “just do it-tomorrow”.
Good to see i am not the only one, but as comments above show, sometimes when you do start something you get deeper and deeper into the logistics of getting there, that frustration grows etc. I am also putting off several phone calls, but can happily report that I wrote a list (not usual) and I have been to shops and I have done everything on list-not too much but I’ve done it so yay.
Tina, I hope you find ‘you’ in the parallel universe where you may or may not exist. And don’t forget milk off your list. Whenever I do it I miss something obvious and necessary but remember something random. I’m waffling…my excuse is I need to rest after this mornings exertions, take care all xx
Haha! Had to laugh about the milk! In my case, it’s not milk, but washing-up liquid!
The Tesco’s delivery just came, within the last hour. I did a spot of washing-up, and noted: “Hmmm, the washing up liquid’s getting a bit low.”
What was I supposed to have ordered, but didn’t? Yeah, you guessed it. But talking of random things, I’ve for some reason ordered two whole celeries. I do like it, and it’s good for me and all that. But there’s only me here! I’ve got about a dozen sticks of celery to wade through, for goodness sake.
I thought they’d made a mistake, or it was a special offer - you know, very occasionally, some small thing turns up you didn’t order - either as a promotion, or a type of small thank you?
But no, I checked my order, and I’d selected two celery.
So presumably, when I was thinking: “I need another bottle of washing-up liquid”, it has somehow got translated into: “I need another celery.”
WHAT???
Tina
x
I can relate to all of this. I still work 30 hrs pw and I think I use all my brain power at work as I seem (on the surface at least) to have things reasonably well organised at work thanks to a good diary system and a daily routine. However the minute I am at home I go to bed for at least an hour. I also do a typing job from home for an hour or so each evening to make up the shortfall in income and sometimes that is all that gets done apart from a hastily thrown together evening meal and the washing up.
I try to get the housework done at weekends but the last two weekends I’ve kind of done the bare minimum and I would be ashamed if anyone came in and looked around the house. I just want to sleep ALL the time and whenever I start on the housework I’m exhausted after just half an hour of cleaning and I need to sit down again with a cuppa.
As for paperwork pffft!! I don’t want to deal with form filling at home - I do enough of that at work! I really do put off things until they become urgent. I do use my mobile phone for banking so I can keep track of bills and most of them are paid by direct debit and standing order so I can’t miss payments otherwise I would be in a right muddle.
I wish I could afford a housemaid … and a gardener … and a clerk … and to retire 
In the meantime I’ll keep dreaming and procrastinating with the rest of you. Glad it’s not just me.
Tracey