Poor Mental Health and SPMS

My husband, diagnosed 16years ago at age 51 has always suffered from depression and generally poor MH. Has always struggled to take responsibility in a truly adult manner.
However, since diagnosis his strategy is to blame me for everything that is wrong. He goes through episodes of taking to his bed for 20 of the 24hrs in a day, refusing to eat, occasionally grazing at the fridge and this is on the back of me refusing to buy alcohol. He gets abusive and unpleasant when he’s not able to drink, towards me and generally shuts down.
I try to continue to live my life, as tbh, all of us only have the one life!
That said, it’s absolutely no way to live as his ms really isn’t as severe as many people. He’s still able to walk, short distances, has a comfortable home and family, siblings and his own children/grand children, all fairly local.
I just don’t understand why he is so difficult and unpleasant, constantly.
Im not prepared to turn my back on my own life, as i really dont think that would make him happy either. We would both be miserable. He won’t accept help, advice or engage with any support groups. He only criticises health professionals and puts his poor mental health down to ms. Life isn’t much fun for him, but how is it possible to help him see it doesn’t need to be like this?

It sounds like he’s doing more than enough thinking and worrying about him: you need to do some think and worrying about you. Those closest to you, who have your best interests at heart, probably tell you that all the time, and I think you should start listening to them.

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Thank you for taking time to comment. I’m trying hard to take care of myself. But made to feel guilty and selfish. It’s a battle. My husband is currently in self destruct. Says he doesn’t want to live, as it’s pointless. Despite the lufe he has, which isn’t bad tbh. Even his consultant told him hes fortunate to live the life he has and to basically grow up.
He was sectioned 18months ago due to attempting to take his own life.
Won’t accept anything.

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I am sorry that you are having such a rotten time. Invalids can be terribly self-centred and careless ofthe needs of those around them, a tendency I constantly have to watch out for in myself. It is undoubtedly harder to behave like reasonable adults when we are particularly mentally or physically unwell (again, my own experience here). But his glooms do seem to have given him a stranglehold on your wellbeing, and that isn’t right. I wish that life was easier for you.

Im just at a loss on what will help him. January and February in particular do appear to be a trigger for his srlf destruct behaviour. I’ve always put it down to cold weather, having said that we have a woodburner running at capacity 400° as well as central heating in rest of ihs. Lately I’ve realised he is particularly unwell around my birthday in Feb and has falls, needs medical attention! Feels deliberate. And manipulative, demanding attention.
I completely understand how complex MH and in particular, frontal lobe damage has been diagnosed. But living with and dealing with what can only be described as abuse, is unbelievable hard.
Empty promises from consultant and gp to support with respite care last Sept, when he was refusing to engage with consultant, hasn’t delivered anything. I feel abandoned and totally responsible for his care. How can this be okay?

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For as long as you look as if you’re coping, you probably won’t be a priority for the HCPs, Social Workers etc. I’m afraid that is a sad fact of life.

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Just a thought ( maybe a silly one)
Does he take vitamin d?

For years I often felt lower during feb/mar time of year.
Only found out last year that my vit d is on the low side.

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Yes. But isn’t v committed or regular with it. I’ll check his supply and remind him. Thank you. That’s a valid point.

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Hi Busy_all_the_time

As others here have said, you need to make sure that you are looking after yourself as much as you look after others. I have MS, one of my brothers also has MS, and he behaves very much like your husband, I take it that your husband has always (even pre MS) been prone to blaming everyone else for anything that he didn’t like/agree/want? Has he always had episodes of MH around your birthday as well? My brother was very controlling in this way also, it had nothing to do with MH or MS, he was a very controlling person.

Be strong for you.

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I know there ard no abswers. Mainly s the problems are related to attitude. Poor attitudes and poor choices.
Happiness is a choice, i can’t make my husband happy, he can only choose to be happy.
Now hes saying is because i wont take him on holidays. But the reason im reluctant is due to the stress he creates, i have to take responsibility for everything. He can be difficult on holiday and has in the padt spent entire days i his room with the air-conditioning on, saying hes just needs to rest. Which i can totally understand, but then appears ‘right as rain’ to go out in the evening, as i know alcohol motivates him. This in the padt has resulted in drinking too much, UTI 's and ambulances and hospitalizations. Just ridiculous.

Hi @Busy_all_the_time
I’m sorry you are having to deal with all this, it must be very frustrating and wearing for you, when all you want is to help your husband but get nothing but abuse in return.
If you haven’t already, maybe take a look at the Carers UK website

Also, has your husband had a mental health assessment? You have said that he has already made an attempt to end his life, so is he under the care of his local mental health team? Does he take medication? If he is unwilling to accept help and taken medication as prescribed, it might be worth asking his GP if they can do a capacity assessment, as it sounds as though his self destruct mode needs investigating futher.

Women’s Aid can give advice and support on all types of abuse - even if you can’t consider separating from him. Emotional and verbal abuse, is still abuse.

Finally, Samaritans are always there to listen any time day or night, and you don’t have to be suicidal to contact them, They can be reached on 116123

I hope you can find a solution that is workable for you both. But remember, as a carer, in order to look after others, we have to look after ourselves first.

Hi there,
I’m recently new to the chat my mum has been suffering with RRMS for some time and I hate seeing her in pain this cuts deep inside witnessing her in pain everyday she has been put on a new drug called Zeposia I have been researching it and it’s effective in many ways but has serious side effects I was wondering if anyone can help find some way to ease the pain for her thank you