Although I consider I’m doing quite well, overall - both physically and emotionally - I wonder if, under the surface, all is not so good, as I’m increasingly plagued by nightmares recently.
Almost all of them have a similar theme of being lost and having no control (Not too hard to relate to real life with MS, that, is it?)
For example, the other night, I dreamt I was stranded at a Danish(?) airport. I do not speak any Danish, but seemingly there was some irregularity with my passport, indicating that I might not be British, and could not return home to Britain.
The Danish people were very nice, and on questioning me, did accept my claim that I was indeed British. But by that time, I had missed the last UK flight. I discovered I had somehow lost all my money and credit cards, so could not go to a hotel for the night. I asked if I could spend the night in the airport lounge, but it was a very small, provincial airport, and they said that regrettably, they closed for the night, and it was a security risk to leave me there. So they made some phone calls on my behalf, and eventually arranged for me to spend the night with complete strangers - friends or neighbours of some of the airport staff. Nobody was unkind to me, but I didn’t know anyone, didn’t speak the language, and had no money.
Then, last night, I dreamt I was visiting an old friend. Not where she lives now, but where she used to live, when we were both children - which, as we were at school together, was not very far from my home town, either.
So we spend some time together, and afterwards, I got on the tube home. When the tube reached what I thought was my stop, I couldn’t see the station sign, as my carriage was not in line with it, but I knew we’d just passed through the last stop before mine, so this one had to be right, didn’t it? I got off the train, which pulled off into the night, to find it was NOT my stop - in fact, no stop I’d ever heard of before. The name was completely different (not that of another stop on the same line), everywhere looked different. There was not a single building or landmark I recognised. I knew I was in some district of London, somewhere, but it wasn’t one I knew at all, and I’d no idea how I came to be there, as it seemed to be miles away from my correct stop, and not even on the same line. I consoled myself with the thought I’m an old hand at the London Underground, that there would be maps everywhere, and I must be able to work my way back. But it still didn’t make up for the fact I’d inexplicably ended up in part of London I’d never heard of, or even knew existed (I can’t remember the name now, otherwise I’d look it up, but pretty sure it doesn’t, in fact, exist).
So like the Danish airport dilemma, there was some comfort - it’s London, it’s my home city, I DO know it - I must be able to navigate home! Nobody was actually being horrible or threatening. It was just the situation itself was threatening. Getting off the train at a familiar stop, but finding nothing about it familiar at all - not even the name!
I know some drugs that I’m on can cause vivid, almost hallucinatory dreams. These are not as graphic as with some drugs I’ve been on - there’s been no violence or bloodshed, or even any overt threat. It’s just an awful sense of unease, of being stranded somewhere unfamiliar, and not knowing how to get back to familiar ground. I’ve had it to a lesser extent in real life, of suddenly not recognizing a familiar route - or one I know ought to be familiar. I think it’s a phenomenon similar to deja vu, except that it’s called “jamais vu” (never seen), where the sufferer suddenly experiences familiar surroundings as completely unfamiliar. For me, the sensation is only brief.
Is anyone else having similar? Either the dreams, or the real life experience?