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Need to be able to talk to someone about how I'm feeling

Hi All,

I posted on here a while ago - back in October I had a bad and unexpected breakup. Myself and my partner “broke up”/I left a family holiday amidst lots of family rows between him and his family, some of which involved me (them talking about me behind my back and him telling me how they felt about me, which he then passed on to me) which put us under a lot of pressure and created a lot of tension. One of the reasons they were angry at me was because they felt I hadn’t stood up for my partner against them when he had been rude to them (they overreacted about him telling his brother off for being rude to him, and as I walked in late all I saw was him shouting at them. I was quite upset about the way he behaved and stupidly said to his brother, as a friend, that he had a bit of a short fuse and takes a while to apologise but generally will. His family often told me he was “prickly” and had a short temper so I didn’t think much of it at the time. Stupidly again, I referred to an example where he had done it to me in the summer. At the time, I was overwhelmed by the family row and was then interrogated by his mum and brother about why I hadn’t really stepped in and sorted him out, told he was immature, that he ruins every holiday etc. I didn’t know what to do as I had tried to just walk away quietly to let them deal with it but I kind of got cornered on the way.That evening my partner and his brother rowed and his brother told him that his mum was angry with me for being “disloyal” to be partner, that I’d been on their side and not his, and that when I’d walked away she’d shouted “why did SHE say that…why did SHE do that”. My partner came and told me this. He said I’d made him look stupid…I’d clearly tried to make him a common enemy to make friends with my partners brother (who didn’t like me enough to not write my name in our moving in card) and said I’d made poor decisions and choices. He also said that, because once I’ve found out that my partner hadn’t done much wrong, and his anger was kind of justified I’d tried to console him, I’d come across as being really manipulative as I’d been angry at him and then tried to help him. I reminded him that I’d been honest about that and told him as well as his dad that I’d been annoyed at how he handled it at first, but he wouldn’t listen. I did apologise to his brother that evening, in case I was in the wrong and had caused upset, but he said he “didn’t know what to say to me”. At the time, I felt absolutely gutted and was in a state of panic - so much so that my eyes completely blurred and my vision was white. I tried to apologise to my partner, and he said he loved me so he’d get on with it, but reminded me that I’d made poor decisions and been manipulative.

The next morning my partner went for a walk with his mum and came back in a real mood with me, saying again that people thought I was disloyal and manipulative, accusing me of lying about his mum and accusing me of telling her we had no money (Id made a silly comment that we spend our lives doing a food shop and then equalling the total in Tesco Express through the week buying crisps!) She was apparently concerned about our financial situation. I couldn’t believe it at the time…I got upset but my partner said to stop crying crocodile tears and that he was going to the beach with or without me. We went to the beach and by that point I honestly felt drained. It was endless. I asked if we could have an hour to ourselves but my partner took us to sit with his brother again. I thought I’d just keep myself to myself and get through it but my phone bat ran out and I ended up going for a walk and finding a bar to charge it at. The charger took ages for some reason, so when it FINALLY came on I text my partner to let him know where I was. I also asked him to come and join me but he refused as he felt I’d abandoned him on the beach. I got text from my Mum who asked how I was and I told her I was ok but a bit low and just needed to keep my head down a bit. She called me and I explained what had happened - she told me that if I felt I needed to leave I could do as they would support me financially. I told her that it wouldn’t be necessary but thanked her, before running to meet my partner on the beach. By this point I’d been gone a couple of hours so I knew I’d be in trouble…and I was. I was told that I’d embarrassed him, that I’d had a drink and shouldn’t have, and that I’d abandoned him and people had been asking where I was. I explained that I was just charging my phone and had asked him to join me but he kept shouting. He was annoyed that I’d spoken to my family and demanded to know what I’d said and if I’d told them what had happened the past few days. Stupidly, again, I said that I had and that my mum had just told me that if I needed to leave at any point, I could. Not a good idea…he went mad. He got the keys to the apartment, threw them at me and told me to “[Edited]and leave” in front of his brother and his girlfriend. He then stormed off. Incomprehensible now, but at the time I was shaking. I felt so humiliated. I didn’t know what to do but walk away. Because I was shaking I then locked myself out my phone - he said he tried to call me but I never got it. All I remember is shaking and running. And then his Dad turning up who sat me down with my partner’s Mum. They asked if I was ok and what I wanted to do…I just said I felt I needed to leave as I felt I’d upset everyone and hurt everyone and caused agro and hadn’t meant to. I also said that I felt really humiliated. They called my partner who told them to tell me that if I was even considering it, to “[Edited]and be gone by the time he gets back”. That didn’t help my panic at all…so his Mum started looking for flights. There was only 1 left and god I wish there had been 3, then I wouldn’t have felt like I needed to rush, but with 1, and feeling like I had to get away before he returned, I booked it. When he came back I was scared about what he would say - honestly, I felt like a child and I am 27! He said I was selfish, that I’d made a mess of the holiday and only thought about myself, clearly not caring about anyone else. He said I’d made a decision without thinking about any of the consequences (which I had)…I said I didn’t have to go if he didn’t want me to, that I thought he had really wanted me to leave, but he said I had booked it, that was that and I had to now. His dad tried to tell me that I didn’t have to go, and when I finally explained that I didn’t want to, that it had all got out of hand, my partner’s mum walked in and said I “had to now, he would never ever forgive me” and that I had “no choice now”. That night they went out and left me in the apartment under strict instruction not to go anywhere, and in the morning they took me to the airport (which I paid them for) but they wouldn’t let my partner come. Before I got in the car I said I really didn’t want to go but they ignored it. I felt horrendous.

At the airport they asked for my joint bank account card in case I did anything…I couldn’t believe it. I also didn’t have a key to get in the flat we shared… I got a text as I got on the plane saying that they had called my dad (no idea why!) to tell him I was getting on the plane safely - and that he had “attacked them” in response. They told me that I was a grown woman and had made my own decision and that he was too overprotective. My partner also text me and said my dad had attacked his mum. I apologised…only to find out that my Dad had simply said that he was not happy about what had happened. I got home, couldn’t get in to my flat, so stayed with a friend until they returned and I text my partner. I went to see him, but he had taken my keys off the chain and said I couldn’t go back - it was done. It was all irreversible and down to me. Him and his dad then drove my clothes down to my parents house when I was at work that week. They didn’t take my sofa, washing machine, kitchen appliances, bed…none of it. Just my clothes and photo frames. When we agreed to sort out the money, his mum said I wasn’t owed anything and wouldn’t be getting anything back. I’d paid a months rent in advance (his parents owned the flat and it was his mortgage).

In short, it was an absolute nightmare. I lived out of bin bags at my friends for two months before moving back home and starting a new job. I’m finally finding my feet and feeling a bit stronger, and making friends/reconnecting with old ones which has been great. I’ve also booked to do some travelling in the summer as I felt I needed to do something. But, I’m still tortured mentally by what happened. I think about it all the time. It still keeps me up at night. I feel so full of regret and pain…I also feel so flawed. I l analyse my behaviour and think I’m just over sensitive and irrational. I’ve lost all my confidence and spark. My mum said whats happened has completely destroyed me…both mentally and financially! I spent £2000 of my savings when we moved in together and everything I brought is still in the flat. I didn’t get it back. I’m torn between feelings of anger and complete self-loathing. Am I a really bad person? Did I completely mess everything up?? Will I ever be happy again and do I even deserve to after causing all of this? I don’t feel like I do. I would really appreciate some help and feedback xxx

Hi, you sound like you could be helped by one of the free online counselling services that some regions of the NHS are providing. SOme apparently without a waiting list. I know this one covers a lot of areas. If that does not include you then there are other providers that might. https://www.iesohealth.com/en-gb/patients

hello

i remember you posting about this when it first happened.

i also remember that i replied that they sounded like a toxic family.

lots of (a great many) other people replied.

the general consensus was that you should go back home and build a good life for yourself.

sweetheart it’s not too late.

do as bobowen advised and get some counselling.

I think I will. Thank you. I did talk to my brother yesterday who remindee me of all the context surrounding my decision to leave…finding out my partner had been taking drugs, him dissapearing for whole nights and me being on my own a lot, nearly breaking up twice before…I keep focusuing purely on my decision on the holiday but need to remember evertthing that lead me to it. Maybe some counselling and learning some ways to keep reminding myself of that will help. Thanks so much xxxx

good for you. after the counselling and when you are settled and happy please pop back and let us know.

you need counselling for the emotional fall out and I would go to CAB for legal advice. You have made some ill advised and ill informed decisions - but thats in the past and its probably more toxic to fight the ex and exs family. Best to cut your losses.

But they had no right to ask for the joint bank card - its JOINT. By now he has probably emptied it. If you havent done so, open a new account IN YOUR NAME ONLY. Also check whose name utilities were in, and direct debits. If they were in your name, you are still liable. For these kind of reasons, I say go to CAB - they can think of these things that you are may too stressed to.

If you were married, I’d see a lawyer and get a deed of separation pronto.

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