Hi all, first-time poster. Last week I lost my temper with my son, who is 12. I called him a dick because he was being intransigent. I apologised the next day. My symptoms were hard, like every day, it seems. He was due to come to mine yesterday but didn’t want to, he came today with his mother and cried, admitting that he finds me hard because I am pessimistic. I am. Life is hard. I don’t want to be depressing but I think I am. Is this anyone else’s experience? Any advice?
Hi
I always say to my kids things are tough in life and how I long to walk and play/chase them in the garden but then I remind them of all the positive things we achieve and that mummy has a good job and can provide. I try not to ever let my kids see me cry and am mostly always pleased to see them and cuddles and kisses are always given.
It’s incredibly hard being a parent but to have ms as well makes it at times impossible.
Maybe he’s frightened of the ms. Have you ever talked to him about his fears? That could help but don’t beat yourself up about comments they make as he’s getting to the dreaded teenage years. The big P might be having an effect on his emotions
How is your mental health? Is it something that needs some intervention
Good luck. I’m sure it will get better x
I think we are all on a journey of discovery. The same happened to me years ago and it was like a light bulb moment. I think I realised it wasn’t only me who had MS, it was everyone who loved and was around me. So, I had to suck it up and look at everything I had instead of what I had lost. Short story long, things got better.
There are many things to get depressed about, however things only get worse if you get immersed in it. Things are what they are, which might be crap. If you can do nothing about it, do not waste time or valuable energy on it. I am being a bit hypocritical as I can still spiral down into the mire, but I try to limit my time there and search for something to smile about. One good place for me is in he brainfog thread on this forum. Whilst not everyone’s cup of tea it is enough of a positive distraction for me. So have a think about what has made you smile in the past and see if you can find some similar distraction.
I wish you and your family all the best
Mick
Sorry to hear it, that is never an easy thing to hear. I have a similar dynamic with my siblings, they seem to just want to hear about the good stuff and get quiet and distant when I struggle. I’ve had diabetes for 15 years and was diagnosed with MS last year, so they have lived with fear of losing me, I guess, for a long time. At least I’d like to think that’s the reason they avoid it altogether… However, that becomes hard to believe when I was alone in hospital for my first two infusions when I have 5 immediate family members who could have been there. And then told by my mother that my “expectations are too high”… But I definitely agree with loola, I think that talking to your son about his fears might help or at least start a journey to mutual understanding. I’ve been going to councilling for about five years on and off, and I would not be as strong as I am now without it, can’t imagine the person I’d be without it! An unfortunate fact about humans is that we like to be around energy and positivity, and tend to shun or avoid things or people that don’t meet that standard. I’ve realised even I can be like that so have tried really hard to build our relationships on positive things, but it does mean that they know less and less about me as time goes by. Honestly, I recommend some counselling or therapy, chronic illness is hard and it takes strength to seek help. It helps to focus on yourself and work on who you want to be if you’re not happy. Hope things improve for you, best of luck and stay safe! PM me if you wanna talk 
intransigent…unwilling or refusing to change one’s views or to agree about something.
The leaf doesnt fall far from the tree perhaps lol. I learn with a 12 year old there is no point in wasting breath if they had a view its good that they do express their own ways of thinking and life.
I always say its better to choose your battles with young people wisley…
Calling him a name was just going down a level YOU actually lost the battle lol.
You say you are pessimistic, is it too hard for you to not show that side of yourself when he is there? For a 12 year old he seems overly bright and discerning a great quality.
So your a gloomy negative defeatist. Right now is not the time to show this side of yourself perhaps. There is enough doom and gloom right now for young people to navigate.
Cant you just watch a funny film or something inspiring before he arrives to put you in a better frame of mind? I honestly think you have a lovely boy there who knows the score at 12. You think you are depressing so why cant you change? You are expecting your son to change his values in life are you not?
Thats my advice sorry its a bit blunt but for me the balls firmly in your court right now. He needs some reassurance that the world is not about to implode and that for him there is a reason to stay positive.
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First bit of advice - do not call your children ‘dicks’. Not only is this going to reflect in his behaviour and how he treats others going forward, it is pretty weak parenting to lose it with your child.
One of the reasons children now are on a dichotomic black or white scale of either being lawless or completely pliable and gullible is because of weak, weak parenting who cannot instil self discipline or character strengthening within their children.
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Hi
I’ll start off by saying that I’m not a parent, so can’t speak from experience. But a message I’ve repeatedly heard is that children need love and security. So your first responsibility is to give him complete love and acceptance. And I think you also need to be a role model for him. Everyone will go through hardship, difficulty and suffering at some point in their lives. So there’s an opportunity for you to model how to respond positively to it. That doesn’t mean blind optimism, pretending that everything will be fine etc. You can’t pretend that it isn’t hard at times. But we always have a choice how we respond to something. Even with all the crap you’ve got going on, you can still choose life. Everyday, list ten things you’re thankful for. Learn something new. Make connections with people. At the end of every day, look back over your day and notice which things energised you, felt wholesome or brought you life etc, and which things left you feeling empty, drained etc. You’ll probably find recurring things that come up. You can then make it a habit to choose the things that brought you life etc, and not choose the things that did the opposite. They don’t have to be big things. For example, I found that an evening spent watching mindless telly would leave me drained. But if I did things like read, pray, watch the clouds and birds, I feel consoled & peaceful. So now I know the best way to spend the evening. Do things like that, it will do you good, and also could be a good example for whenever your son faces difficulty.
Dan
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I’m assuming your son doesn’t live with you but lives with his mother??
Where is she in all this - does she encourage him to visit or does she prefer it if he doesn’t?
What you don’t know is what is going through your son’s mind - he may be very worried about you - he may simply not want to visit. Surprised a 12 year old would say he found his parent ‘pessimistic’ - not an expression most 12 year olds would use.
I would suggest to your son that you maintain regular contact by phone and he can visit when and if he wants - don’t put him under any pressure.
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