Forum

My mum

Hi,

i am very new to this and have just joined this group so I hope I’m doing this right (apologies if I’m not)

I am looking for some help not for me but my mum, mum has been diagnosed with MS for 3 years and is still coming to terms with her condition, just recently she has started to isolate herself a lot, she struggles to move about as she is very restricted in movement in one of her legs, therefore unfortunatly she has had to stop working, this leaves her with a lot of time on her hands, my mum has tried various support groups and is also a registered member on this site but what she lacks and really wants is some friends that can relate to her condition, she does chat to people on here but really wants to meet people in person maybe meet for coffee or go shopping together ( mum is still mobile and can drive) and just have a laugh with! Watching mum over the last few years is heart breaking as I can’t take away the daily struggles she faces and the new life she is having to adapt to! She is very sad and lonely and struggling, I thought that maybe I could find some people in the same situation that live local to my mum (essex) and are around the same age looking for a friend then maybe you could get in touch and I could pass it on to my mum!

I want to help her to smile and laugh again!!

Thanks for reading x

I’m at the wrong part of the country Ally but I hope you get a response soon, perhaps from people who know Essex and can point you in the right direction.

Best wishes

Jan x

Ally, l hope someone from Essex will message you - Do try to get your mum interested in something that will take her out of the house. l have had MS 32yrs and cannot walk unaided - but do still drive. l find Pilates and Yoga very helpful for our condition - and you get to meet others with troubles of their own. lts not necessary to meet others with MS. You only end up comparing symptoms or worrying about problems that might never arise.

l use a scooter to go out on with my dogs - and l meet lots of lovely folk. Go out every day whatever the weather.

l like going out with my daughter - and her friends sometimes. As l do not drink l get to be the driver - which l like as it makes me feel ‘useful’ not useless.

Have a look at different classes at colleges. Perhaps she would find something interesting. Also, some colleges that do Aromatherapy Massage/Reflexology etc are always looking for people to practise on. Even in the Sports Therapy Massage - this can be of great help to our muscles.

Hi how old is you mum?

OK she has MS, but she is still mobile and can drive which is good very good. She needs to concentrate on all the things she can do. She is depressed to be honest. Being told you have MS, can make you feel depressed and you just dont want to do anything.

Why dont you take her out for the day, go for lunch, the cinema or girly shopping? She needs to be around people she knows, where are all her friends?

I dont want to be with people with MS no thanks, its just all about MS, I want to talk to people about normal things. She can still walk and drive, so she could actually go to college perhaps and do some courses to keep her brain stimulated. Thats my problem i am 63 and bored to tears, so i have a hobby i hatch chicks for friends (chickens), and I am now doing a few web sites for freinds too who have started their own business. I was working about 8 years ago teaching and all kinds of things, and it is hard when you have to stop and i did spiral into depression, but my DAUGHTER got me out of it just like you hun.

So take the first step and get her out doing normal things. Where is her husband in all of this?

She has MS, its not the end of the world, just a new way of living with adaptions. Big hugs.

1 Like

Thank you for your replies!!!

mum is 53, I have found her a yoga group which she is going to try next week, I offered to go with her but she says she doesn’t want me to go, I feel like she is pushing us all away, when I suggested to her shopping/coffee her reply is she doesn’t want to go with me or any of her non MS friends as she can’t keep up and hates us pushing her in a wheel chair! I have looked into oxygen therapy for her and am arranging for her to go!! After a long chat with my mum yesterday (lots of tears) we made a little progress and she even came over to my house later in the afternoon! She is not married but in a relationship, I worry about him as mum seems to take her anger about ms out on him, she gets frustrated and shouts I know this can be part of the condition but worry it’s having a impact on there relationship, he works so is out of the house most of the day, mum has had offers from her neighbours to pop over for coffee but she always declines!! I have read about CBT therapy and told my mum to speak to her doc about this, to help with depression and the anxiety when she goes out! I really would appreciate any advice as I’m struggling, we have other family members but just sit back and watch her struggle as they don’t or won’t get involved!!!

Thanks for reading

2 Likes

Hi your a lovely daughter, but sometimes you just have to sit back and let her make her own decisions. Whilst you are organising stuff for her, she wont bother herself. I hope you dont think thats a negative thing to say, but i am 63 and people are always telling me what i should be doing…i should be going out, I should be doing more things, I should be enjoying myself lol, and to be honest all I want to do is sit in my home and just chill out and do what I want to do which is NOTHING lol…

When you first get diagnosed its really hard and I felt so frustrated at all the things i couldnt do which i could before, and being reminded of all the things i could do, made me more depressed.

Your mum is angry and frustrated right now and hates the world and everyone in it and is probably thinking why me? Whats the point, why should I bother etc…

Just do what your doing chatting to her. Just tell her how important she is in your life, and that you NEED HER. MS is not a death sentence other people her age have cancer and loosing breasts etc, she needs to see that there is a life with MS its not all doom and gloom but like an alcoholic unless she is ready to listen its pointless.

I think you need to get all your family together and make a plan to get her to realise she is important she is needed. Does she have grandchildren for example if so let her babysit, do those things, she can do them, I can at 63, i often have my grand kids over although now to be honest they are growing one is still only 12. Your mum needs a purpose in her life.

She could still work really if she can walk and drive, perhaps she could do some volunteer work for a charity or something.

She can talk to me if she likes, sounds like she just needs reassurance that she can have a life with the disease. Perhaps she needs a holiday that will do her good something NORMAL.

I think your a wonderful daughter, and your mum is lucky to have you in her life, but let her do some decision making ok, but keep talking to her. xxx

2 Likes

l do think that depression can be a big part of this illness. Having a body that does not work the way it should is enough to depress anyone. Now, admitting that we are suffering depression - is a major step. Amitriptilyline is a good all-rounder and acts as a mild anti-d. Also, a high dose Vit d3 works well as does B12. A deficiency in both is a major contribution to how we with MS feel. Just google vitamin d3 deficiency MS - and the same with B12. And take them yourself Ally- they are good for you too.

LDN helps me tremendously, boosts your endorphins - gives you a feeling of well being - less fatigue and no brain fog.

Your mum is so fortunate, in having a daughter like you, who is wanting to make her life easier and happier.

Bless you

Golden Girl. l see we often think on the same lines. l am 67 - and have a daughter who is 32. My MS started when l was first pregnant.

This afternoon l am going to collect some point of lay hens - to add to the ones we have already. And at the weekend we are getting two - Mother and son - rescue donkeys. Several friends in the village have offered to help with them. We have small paddocks fenced off and a field shelter. And they will see lots of people walking past - hoping to eventually get the gelding pulling a trap. Shall start leading him with me on my Tramper. Just got to make sure that folk realise it is not a good idea to feed titbits over the gate as it can make them naughty.

OMG I am chicken mad too SpackJacket. My GP told me to do something to keep myself mobile. She said whatever you do walk even if its just in your garden and around your house. Well i have always loved chickens, had my first one when i was 10. Of course over the years didnt have any, was travelling a lot etc, so i thought why not now, when I cant do much or go out on my own.

I started 4 years ago with hybrid large fowl, then rare fowl, and I run 2 poultry groups on facebook. I now breed chicks for people and care for them for a few days or a few weeks…and it earns me a tiny bit of money, but it really gives me a purpose in life, as I have to GET UP everyday and care for them. I am up most mornings by 7am, but my husband puts our bantam girls to bed at night as by 5pm I am in bed exhausted but i feel so good about what i have achieved in my day. I used to teach I.T. to adults and troubled teenagers etc, and worked in community teaching healthy cooking for recovering addicts, and to stop all that was so hard for me, i thought i would go insane. I thought whats the point, but there are things to do out there, we can have a purpose in life.

I have helped so many people now with their birds, i know as much about the care of poultry as my vet does lol.

I just think life is so good, i have a wonderful family and I dont want to leave them for a long time.

Yes i have pain and yes i get so tired I could scream, but i look at all the positive stuff in my life, like today, i have THREE brooding boxes in my sitting room lol, full of chicks, all chirping away, and eating, and chatting to each other, and through the patio door into my conservatory i can see my two older chicks, i rescued in their dog crate waiting to be that little older they can finally go out and experience life free range, and the sun is shining through the conservatory windows, and I am sat here writing this to you, after eating my soup which was lush, and in the background is my cleaner upstairs doing the cleaning lol, and life is GOOD.

Life is so good, and so precious.

Thank you for your replies

mum has had a good day today, more positive and I may have found her some volunteer work!!! She has a holiday booked for next month but with this comes anxiety, she has a foot lift (sorry not sure of the correct name) and is worried about wearing it with shorts, she is very paranoid about her appearance and thinks everyone is staring at her!!! She has very low self esteem,!

i have 2 children that she see’s regularly and loves them to pieces, she has them stay for sleep overs which is great although exhausting for my mum!

We seem to be making a little progress which is a relief ,I just need to keep her spirits up and motivated on her good days! Hopefully this is the start of a more positive beginning for her!!

Thanks for reading

Its all good hun, because you have taken the time to see she is ok. She will get through this, but will have step backs too.

I am the same, i hate being in my wheelchair, but i have excepted if i dont i cant go out.

Its really important for your mum to feel normal and be treated normally. my sister has over the last 2 years lost both breasts to cancer she has had a huge adjustment to make. For your mum there are so many others out thee all with their own battle scars, they are never going to be just looking at her, and her foot drop brace (I take it she is wearing one?).

If she has low self esteem i expect she had it before the MS.

May I make a suggestion, i think she would benefit from some councelling, I did, it really helped me get things into perspective andit might help her too.

I hope she has a lovely holiday it will do her good. xxx

Well Golden Girl - The farm we went to for the hens is only 5mins away. Advertised on Preloved site. The chickens are the project of a lovely young lady. Her partner has built the most amazing large arks - well off the ground -for her chicks. The ones we chose - 2 cuckoo marans and a light sussex all hybrids. l was so impressed with the place and all the fowl looked so happy and healthy. l told her how impressed l was.

l think she was surprised to see that l could only walk holding onto my trusty rollator. [l chose one that is recommended for use over fairly rough terrain] Topro Olympus. All the arks were very clean - lots of woodshavings down and also she had made small haynets full of hay to keep the birds entertained. They spend a lot of time pulling and nibbling at the hay. We are going to do the same. We do hang cabbages up for them to eat - and l have lots of corn cobs in freezer - which we give as a treat. Yoghurt is another treat. l like to see the hens running free - especially when there are lots of insects flying about as they love to run after them and eat them.

Shall keep the the ‘new girls’ in a separate run - inside the other hens area so the can get used to one another before l let them all mix.

We have the whole area surrounded by electric mesh fencing - plugged into the mains. Still have trouble with foxes though. Even with two rottweilers in the garden.

You can’t beat eggs from your own hens. The free-range ones you buy are no comparison.

I spend the first while after diagnosis (7 years ago) in a deep depressive funk. My doctor prescribed Citalopram and the thoughts of just not wanting to wake up in the morning disappeared after about a week. There is help available if you ask for it/admit you need it . I called the MS help line and my work’s help line a fair few times in the first year of being diagnosed. I have come to terms with this disease and what it has and still is doing to my CNS. I live a day at a time now – some good, some bad.

Hope this helps