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My daughter might be gay

Hi folks

I had something of a shock when I opened my daughter’s email yesterday. My daughter is living thousands of miles away for a year teaching people English.

She opened by asking “do you think I might be gay? as I do not seem to have found a life partner that I can settle down and have children with, what do you think?”

I told her that only she knows the answer to this question, does she dream of being with a man or a woman. She has had many boyfriends over the years and in the last 10 years non that were willing to settle down and make sacrifices with her but then she has not really wanted to give up travelling (she’s lived, worked and studied in many countries). She has been badly let down by one or 2 chaps and we as a family still feel the scars.

I don’t really mind if this is her life choice but must say that the one thing that keeps me fighting MS every day is the thought that I many one day have grand children to love, is this too much to ask.

I told her to pray to the higher being in her life (she has found God through yoga and meditation to be very helpful) and ask for guidance there. Also told her a few home truths about giving up on some of her dreams and principals (not all), if she wants to find that soul mate.

By the way, just before she left in August she had a passionate crush on the actor Ray Gosling, so I’m guessing she may not be gay.

Thank you for your thoughts.

I think people know whether they’re gay or not and don`t need to ask. I think she was more likely to be questionning why she’s not settled down. The other thing, of course, is that when you read an email you don’t have the benefit of hearing tone of voice or seeing body language.

Hi, i was thinking the same as hcd, she might have been saying it in a joking way, as an opener to her email. I think you should phone her, she might just be feeling down about the way things are.

I agree with hcd and daisyn - it might have just been a jokey way to get across how alone she may be feeling at not having settled down and that way she doesn’t really have to face it herself.

She sounds like she has a lot of life experience under her belt and if she truly was gay she probably would have realised by now (but thats not a definite).

Maybe she just needs a few comforting words from some-one she loves who would never hurt her. Thats when a girl needs her parents.

Take care

JBK xx

I believe your daughter would know if she was gay by now, from what I know of the couple of gay friends I have and celebrities is that they knew from a young age, she may well just be thinking and worrying about why she can’t find “the one”. Also God and being gay don’t really gel, I do believe there are some churches who accept gay people but not your normal churches. If I were you I would not put the pressure of grand children on her even if she was not gay as that is not her job. She may well have plans that do not include children or if she does it may be far in the future, she does not owe you grand children and to say it is the one thing to keep you fighting MS is just too much pressure. You need to find another reason to fight MS, one that is in your control and not one that tries to control someone else.

Hi, hmm, maybe she wasnt being serious when she asked that question. As someone else said, maybe she just cant understand why she hasn`t found the right person yet.

As we get older, we may narrow and shorten the list of what our requirements in a partner …we can tend to be selfish and less tolerant of others` habits.eg smoking, snoring, toenail picking… things like that can get on our nerves!

My eldest daughter got married for the 2nd time, last week. She is 41 and spent several years in a difficult and controlling marriage. After they divorced, she said she had a shopping list of what shed look for in any future partner. Infact, shed got quite used to living with her children and wasn`t really in the market for another partner.

But she met her new husband by chance and within a month, knew he was the one for her. They were married 4 years to the day that they met.

I think if folk try too hard to look for a long term partner, they can give off a vibe that might put others off.

About grandchildren…whether your girl is gay or not, she can still have children.

My girl told me she didnt want children and yes, I felt a bit sad, but it was her choice and then she gave us 2 gorgeous grandchildren!

Us mums worry about our kids, whether they are near or far, but I do think it is harder when they live far away. Our youngest daughter lives away and has also gone through a nasty divorce…whats up wi folk?

I hope you keep a good relationship with your girl, whatever she decides to do.

luv Pollx

I think that it can take a time for a person to find his/her range in life, in this regard as in any other. I am not at all sure that people being suddenly taken aback by their own sexual orientation when they are no longer youngsters is a thing of the past.

I hope that your daughter finds peace and fulfilment, whichever direction her path takes her, and that you do too.

Alison

Thank you all for your very wise replies, I wouldn’t dream of telling my daughter that I want grand children, it’s just my dream and best kept to myself.

I think that you are right that she just can’t understand why she hasn’t found that special soulmate, (the lovely guys seem to have no ambition and the go getters seem to be arrogant b…s with no soul.

Oh and don’t worry anon my daughter does not get involved with ‘normal’ churches, like me she is interested in Buddhism, meditation and being a spiritual person. You don’t have to find God by being a homophobic, though I know many that do.

Thank you also Polly for your kind wise words, I think when she realises that she is ready to settle down she will find someone on her wavelength, whether it’s a guy or girl.

Wendy x

Well now Wendy - Many years ago when we were foster carers to many abused youngsters, my natural son was sitting in the car with me alone; he was chatting away and thought I was not listening so he said “by the way Mum I’m gay”. I replied "oh that’s ok dear when do I get to meet him? His reply was “Mum really does nothing shock you - I was only joking” He has been with his current girlfriend 5 years now. Both my children have informed me they do not want children of their own but I still secretly hope that one day they will change their mind. There are just so many animals one can be grandma to! I don’t know whether your daughter was joking or not but we love them whatever. I wish her every success in her quest for that special relationship.

Thank you Dinks, I am now grand ma to 2 stray cats in Indonesia. I know I might never be a grand mother, (she says that she already has many kids as she works with children in schools), like you I do dream a bit, especially when all her cousins and friends are producing like rabits.

I share your wish.

Wendy x

I am going anon here because the person I am going to tell you about sometimes reads this forum and I don’t think that she would be too cool telling the world about her.

My neice is gay.

She has a loving partner, 2 dogs, a sucessful career and a beautiful son (conceived through a donor).

My mother has a beautiful great-grandson who she thinks is the most fantastic thing she has ever known.

We are all sooooooooo proud of her … like it sounds you are about your daughter.

Yes you are right anon. I am very proud of my daughter whatever her life’s choice. That includes whether she has children or not but I know she would like to have them but perhaps not enough to give up her life of travel and excitement.

Wendy x

Hi, my daughter is gay and I must admit it did go through my mind when she told me that she wouldn’t have any children. 17 years on her and her civil partner have two beautiful boys who I love so much it hurts. They both had one baby each using the same donor within 12 months of each other. They are both in the army and have sadly just been posted to Germany and I am missing them all so much but with modern technology we FaceTime each other most days so I won’t miss all their milestones. I think I am going to be spending lots of time flying over to Germany to visit. So if your daughter is gay, it could be her trying to tell you something she has wanted to tell you for years, don’t despair because it won’t stop her from being in a loving relationship and one day giving you grandchildren. The most important thing you can do is support her in her choices and make sure she knows you will always love her and be there for her. Sending you my best wishes and hope everything works out for you and your daughter. Karen x

Thank you for sharing this lovely story Karen.

Wendy x