Stupid phone. That should have said best of luck and ignore the bit after that
Iāve told him that a million times. Iāve been really soothing and calm and tried reasoning with him (about this not being his decision) but it hasnāt worked. He puts me on this pedestal and thinks I should expect great things, which just make me even more frustrated and want to cry out loud.
As for the depression, I have also considered that thatās what he might be going through. But itās so hard to tell him that or make him seek help. Heās built this sort of wall around him and takes everything said to him from one ear, out the other.
Unfortunately, whenever Iāve tried talking to his mum, sheās brushes it off as him being so selfish and stupid and that she canāt understand him and has given up on him. Like I said, the few times Iāve told him to talk to someone, which he agrees he needs to (he says his head is messed up) heāll start mumbling about him being allowed to control at least one thing in his life. I guess that stems from his fear of what lies ahead for him if god forbid his illness takes over.
I could just go on and on venting here because I really canāt in real life and Iām not ready to let go. It doesnāt seem right to me even though I have the logic in my head.
I wish there was some magic prayer or something I could do it say to get the old times back. Or make him sort this out for himself properly and soon. When we talk on the phone, heās so steadfast but will start swaying towards what Iām saying and get a bit reminiscent, only to suddenly snap back very stubbornly like this is meant to be done and he has to be the strong one.
So, my mum thinks I need to go talk to someone about this. As in someone professional. Not about him, but for my state of mind right now. I donāt really like talking to her about this or anyone, per se (and usually I talk to my folks and my close friends about my problems - weāre all very close and comfy enough to be open about our lives and problems). But things havenāt been good since Sunday. This break up started in April, but suddenly since Sunday Iāve had this huge whoosh of emotions and misery and itās all hit me and I cannot stop crying half the time. Obviously everyone around me has noticed. What is wrong with me? Iāve been through very, very hard times before - in life and love - and been a very strong person. For some reason, this has hurt me and broken me apart and made me someone Iām not.
I canāt get anything about this out of my mind. I think about it ALL THE TIME. I wake up every morning with a feeling of doom that goes on till about 6-7PM. And then I start crying and it wonāt stop. Havenāt been to work since Monday. Very weak and exhausted all the time. Iāve lost my apetite, but Iāll try to eat one meal a day to keep my folks happy (only to throw it up after when theyāre not around. I canāt stomach anything right now.) Tried getting into the car today, but just stared at the wheel for 10 minutes and went back into my house and fell straight into my bed.
I cannot apologise enough for being so whiny about this and Iām sure everyone here thinks in such an emo sap. But I just canāt stop. Why wonāt these feelings stop. Why is it getting worse everyday?
Listen to your Mum, we are not professionals, we just know about MS and how it affects our lives. It sounds as though your Mum thinks you need a counsellor and for what itās worth so do I. Go to your GP and tell him whatās going on, he should be a be to help with counselling and or medication.
Your boyfriend made a decision, whatever the reason itās his decision to make. I think itās time you respected that and got on with your own life.
Best wishes.
Jan x
3 Likes
I also think you need to see somebody about coping with your feelings. It is definately time for you to move on, as Jan has said, you wonāt find what you want here.
And I think the best thing you could do for your ex boyfriend is respect his wishes.
Rosina
2 Likes
So, heās been admitted in hospital today . Might go see him.
I feel like one by one, everything is falling apart.
So, heās been in hospital for a week now. Iāve been going to see him whenever heās up for it. Otherwise been in touch with his mum or family who keep me updated and in the loop with everything.
This is such a weird situation. In name, weāre not together, but otherwise everything else is almost the same. Heās been nice when I meet him, but he keeps asking me why Iād want to be with someone like this whoās in and out of hospital (a lot of self pity). At the moment Iām more worried for his health, of course. But canāt help wondering, at the back of my head, whatās going to happen after all this???
I think it will drag on & onā¦for as long as you let itā¦ I donāt want to sound harsh but from reading all your posts & the replies, itās going nowhere, you need to move on with your life.
Rosina x
1 Like
I am sorry to hear he is in hospital - perhaps now is not the time to be pondering your relationship with him.
āI wish there was some magic prayer or something I could do it say to get the old times back. Or make him sort this out for himself properly and soon.ā
I can only agree with other posters who have advised you to respect his decision and try to move on with your life - without him. You canāt rush someone into accepting their diagnosis. Itās not fair on him, and itās unrealistic for you to expect to be able to make him accept anything.
I think you should take your Mumās advice and maybe seek a professional to talk to about your feelings.
1 Like
hi there- really sorry to hear of your situation. if another male perspective helps, here we are: i am a very modern man,liberal minded and absent of any biases, but even so, i have told my wife that i understand if she wants to leave me, or me to leave, as the thought of being a millstone round her neck is too much to bare (i suspect like most men, metrosexual or not). she has gotten angry with these suggestions as āin sickness and in healthā means just that.
i think i see where your man is coming from, however misguided it is. i suggest the best way to support him is to continue to let him know youāre there as a friend, but alas if there is no way that you can convince him that you want him romantically- as hard as it is, i would not hold out for this to happen as youāve got a life to lead. a real shame as you sound fantastic, and he is missing out on what you have to offer which appears to be a lot of love and support.
i hope you both manage to find happiness as you each deserve it, together or separately. hope this does help you somehow. take care, fluffyollie x
Iām sure that this will sound cruel but as this started in April and you obviously havenāt moved on have you considered that your actions are having a negative effect on the guy? Stress is not good for people with MS and can precipitate relapses. Why has he been hospitalised?
For your own sake - listen to your mother and get some help. You seem to be obsessing over him. Perhaps he just doesnāt see a future with you, or heās not ready for a relationship with anyone. Whatever the case you have to step away from him and help yourself move on.
Liz
4 Likes
I have never heard of any treatment for personality changes associated with MS. MS is a horrible disease for the people who have it and for those who love them. But thatās life - nasty things happen to people and then they die. Find enjoyment where you can.
The truth is, a partner of someone with MS who loses them because of the disease CAN move on. Life wonāt be the same, just as life isnāt the same for anyone who loses a loved partner. But thatās the way things are. I find acceptance and trying to put the energy I have into worthwhile things is one way of dealing with the ups and downs of life. Getting angry works better for some people, perhaps.
2 Likes
Agree with that! If someoneās being nasty and doesnāt want to be with you, it doesnāt really matter if itās caused by an illness or not. Even if it is, itās probably not fixable, and if it isnāt, itās probably not fixable either (you canāt make somebody love you).
Donāt know why someone would want to waste their life on someone who doesnāt love them, making the excuse that itās their illness.
Tina
x
1 Like
It was a shock for me to come across this because in some ways itās exactly the same as what Iām going through and reading through the posts did make me want to cry a little bit!
one of my good friends has MS. He was diagnosed back at the beginning of 2013 after an attack in December 2012. When I say good friend, we met at work and got to liking each other and then one thing led to another and we started seeing each other. I knew about the MS but wasnāt sure if heād been officially diagnosed and where he was up to with it. Anyway to cut a long story short things got messy, he decided he didnāt want anything serious, I instigated the idea of us being friends who sleep together, not something ive done before. We did for around 9 months and at times things became blurred and i ended it about six months ago. It was all very amicable no awkwardness except we needed a bit of distance which is hard when you work together. But we remained good friends.
now I know he still likes me we slept together again about a month ago. I still like him but the other day we had the most honest conversation. He said heās assigned himself to the fact he will be alone and heās alright with that. I told him I didnāt think he was, that as much as he isnāt running away from his illness like he did last year heās still letting it control him. Heās a very stubborn person and to see him letting something stand in his way is upsetting. He said he doesnāt want to drag anyone in but In some ways he already has, Iāve been there when heās been sick and when heās been in agony and Iāve offered a hand to squeeze, made his bed for him, allowed him silence and support. I can completely understand where heās coming from but itās difficult for both of us as we both have these feelings for each other and its frustrating this is standing in our way.
Im thinking about putting it to him straight, no more messing around with just sleeping together because it doesnāt help anyone. I expect I k now what his answer will be but at least it draws a line under things once and for all. Iām not going to beg and I can see his point of view but I know what to expect and Iām old enough to know that.
just saying OP and all others going through thre same situation of loving or liking someone with MS, we may not understand or have to live with the illness but we feel it. It frustrates us too and it breaks our hearts. It makes us want to scream that the orolle we want have this illness that taints so much. It makes us want to plead with them to see that were there. But I suppose itās not for us to choose.
1 Like
I agree with Alison 100%.
4 Likes
So do I actually, well said Alison. Obviously the posters care deeply for their respective exās. Thereās a line though that is bordering on obsessively caring about them when they should respect their exās wishes that they no longer wish to be in a relationship with them anymore. Regardless of MS. Give them space, let them breathe & if their feelings are reciprocated then they will at some point be reunited, but until that point comes they should back off & stop blaming MS for them not knowing their own minds. Leave them in peace, you both wonāt be helping their stress levels. Which will exacerbate their symptoms. Thatās not a good thing, leave them be.
4 Likes
Anon you keep banging on about how us msers donāt accept that you non msers feel/worry/understand about ms and how it affects us with ms. Youāre going in circles over the same ground. We get it, you care deeply for your ex who happens to have ms. Youāre under the assumption that due to liaisons on her brain, this has changed her personality & in turn made her go from wanting to be in a relationship with you to no longer wanting to be in a relationship with you. To quote what you said in your post - āMaybe non MSers dont run because there other half has MS maybe they just had enuff of the MSer. Just saying folksā. In that case maybe the MSers have had enough of the non MSers and end the relationship? Ever think about it that way?? What if your ex has ended the relationship and her having MS hasnāt got a thing to do with it? I really think you need to stop this. I donāt know you obviously and can only comment on all your detailed posts about your ex and honestly feel that you most definately will not be helping her, in any way, with all this stress and constant badgering about why she doesnāt feel about you the way you feel about her. Have you read up on how there is a proven link that stress can and will make MS worse? Why then do you keep on at her? Give her some space. Iām sure she knows that you are there if she needs you. In time she may wish to start back up the relationship. Then again she might not. Thatās up to her, itās her decision, not yours.
7 Likes
hiya
i have been following this thread with interest.
i am the exception to the convential-but then arent we all?!
each and everyone of us has a tale to relate. folk generally tend to be quick at giving advice-which is human-but NOBODY can really know what another is experiencing and so thats why i believe there are no rights/wrongs in this situation and i am certainly in no position to judge/comment.
we are all suffering-mentally and physically but as long as we can say at the end of the day āi have done my best today for myself/those i love/care for/the worldā then surely thats whats important?
all the upset/torment/stress etc can be taken away very quickly and suddenly then we have new options to beat ourselves up about (guilt, loss, āif onlyā etc) thats cos we are human! regulars will know i try my darnest to live in the now and thats cos its the only one i have some control over.
anon-do what you feel is right-thats all you can do. you may get it wrong but i sense that all that you do is done with best of intention and for me reading this (whether i agree or not) has given me something (else!) to think about.
take care each and every one of you.
ellie
ellie
hiya again
a wee bit info re why i say what i doā¦ i have ms 9 years. single mum of 4. 2 1/2 years ago i had a mega life changing relapse from which i have not recovered but i have coped better. excuse the list but its easier for meā¦total right sided weakness which is a sod cos i am naturally right handed! lost sight in left eye-both these reasons contribute to why i type in lower case and have paragraphs. double incontinence. speech problems. emotional lability. use powerchair. have carers to help with daily living.
this is not a poor me! just a little background info! i was on own just before diagnosis-break up was nothing to do with ms-neither of us knew at that time. 3 years i met a guy on dating site-in fact i met 3 but was upfront from the outset re kids and ms. so within 6 months of meeting him my life changed drastically! but he didnt run away-i couldnt have caught him if he had chosen to do so!
we dont stay together and never want to. he is my wee bit of normality (tho this situation is far from normal!) i think folk in general look for their perfect match-whatever that is then we become disheartened when they dont find them/exist.
i read on here re folk saying that their kids will never be carers. reminds of of my daughter offering to help with something and me snapping that i could manage-i will never forget the look of hurt on her face because she wanted to help. with any illness folk can very easily become selfcentred (tho very few will admit it) communication is the key in everything between self and whoever else-adults/kids but it has to be honest. we have to ālet others inā simply cos we all share this planet but we can still control who we tell what.
re professionals/books/experts-they are all simply another persons view. they dont know about you or ur exā¦ms is a very lonely solitary illness (no matter how you dress it up) and all folk with these extra challenges deserve to find happiness, as do we all but sometimes searching for the unrealistic causes to miss whats right under our beak!
the key to this ms malarkey is strong mind/focus in spite of what carcass is doing which is where i cant begin to imagine what you both must be experiencing (i have had some mental issues but was willing to address them)
take care, ellie
Hello
i see since my post that thereās been a bit of a debate over MS changing a persons mind and mental state. I donāt know enough about MS and the mental side of things than I do the physical side but I suppose it could be true. In my situation itās not really to do with the mental side of things, itās just my friends/exās (whatever way you look at it!) decision to not drag anyone in and to be alone because of that, despite our feelings. I suppose heās being selfless because itās the only thing he has control over.
Yes, itās MS in the end that keeps us apart. But no one knows if it wouldve worked if there wasnāt this disease. Maybe it wouldnāt have ; sometimes things arenāt just meant to be. itās just sad that the āwhat if?ā Does go round your head, a lot of the time. I suppose you have to look at the bigger picture. Iām sure itās true on both sides that you like or love the person you canāt be with for some time because itās not an argument or something awful the other one did that keeps you apart; itās a tough disease. In some way, despite all the debate, that surely links us together?