I am having a rougher time of it than usual of late and need a bit of a whinge and hopefully some bright ideas about how to manage some practical issues short term.
I am recovering from a very nasty bout of pneumonia at the moment that had me in hospital for 10 days on IV antibiotics. I had the pneumonia in several lobes of both lungs and was very, very sick indeed.
Naturally my MS took full advantage of this and threw a doozy of a pseudo-relapse at me which I am still dealing with all though the pneumonia is getting better now and I am in the convalescence stage.
Then to add to things my 13YO daughter fell and “popped” her hip out and it turns out she has developed hip dysplasia and so we have been doing the round of X-rays, ultrasounds, GPs and hospitals with her.
The problem I am struggling with is that I am absolutely, painfully, out of this world knackered. Fatigue has reached new levels never before seen and I am pretty expert at horrid fatigue.
I was told to take it very easily for at least two weeks after getting out of hospital it would take that long for me to recover from the pneumonia. I am at Day 10 our of hospital and am running ragged with my poor daughter. Because she is on crutches and is needs to be completely resting her leg she is home from school and is needing me to do loads for her, poor mouse. And yet I am barely able to walk either!
I do have home help and have increased the hours to cover the extra I needed with the pneumonia recovery but the funding package doesn’t let me increase it further because of my daughter’s needs.
I am so tired and struggling so hard to be a good mum to my daughter when she needs me now that she is incapacitated and I am feeling so guilty because I can’t do for my girl what she needs doing and I feel like the worlds shitest Mum.
Bloody MS… if I was just recovering from the pneumonia it wouldn’t be so bad but with my usual level of disability and a relapse on top of it and the extra fatigue I am feeling completely hopeless.
She is getting really angry too and the other day went right off her handle at me and we had a huge row. Later on when I was tidying up her room I found a piece of paper she had torn up that said, “I hate you mum. I wish you had died in hospital with the pneumonia.”
Well, that left me completely devastated as you can imagine. I did talk to her about it and she was in tears saying she never meant it, I wasn’t supposed to have seen it, she loves me, she was just angry etc etc, but I still feel really shocked and heart broken. The thing is I did get fairly close to pegging out with the pneumonia
My daughter has been seeing a psychologist for a little while now to help her with some depression issues so I am hoping the psychologist will be able to help her with this latest lot of crap as well.
But as for me I am feeling guilty for not being as good a mother as I would like, angry with the MS for making my life and my daughter’s harder than it needs to be and so tired, unwell, fatigued and completely overwhelmed.
Thanks for listening to all that. I needed to get it of my chest at least. Amazing how just SAYING it all helps