marriage on the rocks

Everyday living
1

i’m sorry for posting this as i usually try and manage to be up-beat.

i feel so abandoned by my husband. he goes to work early and calls at his friends who needs him. (thats what he tells me)

he came home at midnight and when i attempted to discuss problems with the house he got really shirty with me.

he doesnt contribute a penny towards the bills, in fact his wages go on booze, cigarettes and running his expensive jeep.

i have tried for years to make this marriage work but now i feel too poorly, too skint and too demoralised and i just know its going to lead to a break-up. this fills me with fear because he will be full of self pity and anger at me for spoiling his easy, happy life.

the advice i would give to someone going through this is to talk. but how can i talk when he’s never here and when he is, he’s been drinking.

i started seeing him when i was 20 and moved into a flat with him. we had 2 children when i was in my late 20’s.

i worried about bringing up my boys in a household with insufficient money to cover the bills so i did a degree and started teaching.

he had an affair which broke my heart. then he wanted to come back and when i was reluctant he behaved very bizarrely - pouring diesel over himself stood in our back garden outside the kids bedroom. i thought it was petrol and when he held out his lighter and threatened to set fire to himself, i ran outside and stopped him. he came in for a shower and never left.

then there was a horrible spell of domestic violence. i was living in fear but trying my best to keep it from my boys.

since then i bought a house (only my name on it) and the 4 of us live there still.

when i was diagnosed with ms, he swore that he’d stand by me. for a while everything was good but his drinking and his need for his male friends means that i cope with ms on my own. i cope with the household bills on my own.

i don’t know what i expect you to say.

i’m disappointed in myself because i’ve always been the strong one but now i feel so weak.

thanks for letting me pour it all out

2

Hi

I am so sorry you are having to cope with your husband’s behaviour as well as your MS.

I am not going to offer any words of advice because I think that you know what they would be.

Dig deep and find the strength to do what you need to do, you are worth more than this

Take care

Anne x

3

Hi I agree with Ann, find that strenght in you it is there.

Jan xx

4

oh how awfull.

he sounds a really selfish man. nobody weather ms or not deserves to be tret like this.

5

thanks for understanding how rubbish it makes me feel.

he could be described as feckless. i’ve always wondered what a feck is.

my sons have told me that they will sort the garage door out.

i’m so grateful that they haven’t inherited his feckless gene. my boys are miracles.

well the will is being changed so that they inherit all i worked for.

i’m not going to let him bring me down any more.

i need to spend a week drawing all my strength together.

xxx

6

Someone once gave me this when I was going through marriage problems with my 1st husband, i just want to share it with you. Grant me the scerenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference. Thinking of you xx

7

Anne is spot on…dig deep hun and do what you know is right for you and your boys. You deserve so much more and life is too short to put up with that kind of crap (excuse my language!).

Good luck…you’re stronger than you think you are.

S x

8

It seems to me that your husband is adding nothing to your life, family or household. Instead he is treating your home like a free hotel and, rather than standing by you, is using you.

How a breakup would affect him is not something that you need to consider. You have to do what is right for you, and your boys.

You are not weak. Think of all you’ve achieved! This may seem unbelievably hard, but you will get through it. And I bet you will blossom on the other side.

(((((hugs)))))

Karen x

9

the world is more bareable when we have people to share company with. they don’t need to be miracle workers, just need t o be able tp say that it’s ok to not be ok and that you’ll work togethet. xx

10

thanks. i know what i have to do but am not looking forward to doing it.

meanwhile my sister has asked me to go out with her and her boyfriend. they are going to a pub where i know most of the regulars so its a date and i wont be a gooseberry.

i posted this as anon but didnt post my replies as anon (ms brain f*ck)

so i’m now embarassed but what the hell

carole x

11

Carole Don’t be embarrased, get yourself out & have a blast. Oh & good luck in whatever path you choose xx

12

Hi Carole,

Please don’t be embarrassed. I’m sure that there are a fair few people on the site who have been in relationships with abusive (emotionaly and/or physically), manipulative people (myself included).

I think it’s an excellent idea to go out with your sister. Sometimes we can’t see the wood for the trees when we are in the thick of it and friends and family will bite their tongue for fear of upsetting you. They often see what is going on feel powerless to do anything because they know that the decision has to come from you.

I know that you have a very difficult decision to make but you have to look at what will be the best long term decision for both you and your boys. I’m fortunate that my ex has had very little to do with my boys over the past 20 years (they were 2 and 4 when we split up) but still to this day think it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

It may be worth getting in touch with Women’s Aid for some emotional support and as you know, we are here for you too.

Biggest hugs,

Mags xx

13

Dear Carole, that man deserves nothing from you.he`s a total waste of good skin!

Your children deserve a better dad.

Show him the door. Kick the b…d out…for good!

I know it wont be easy. But once it is done, you`ll breath the best air ever.

good luck.

lots of love, Polly xxx

14

You have had great advice from everyone Carole so I won’t add to it but just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you and hope you find the strength to do what needs to be done. Try to stay calm and take it a step at a time. Teresa xx

15

thanks all.

he came home early (6.00) and hasnt a clue why i’ve been upset.

i told him he was revolting. he can’t remember a thing. (convenient amnesia)

anyway i was getting glammed up, even put eye liner on (takes courage with my shaky hands)

i’ll say my piece tomorrow, give him his options - buck his ideas up or get out.

if i’m feeling generous i might even let him choose.

my boys are 23 and 24 and they are so mature. i thank god for them every day.

theres a band on at the pub and i might even get drunk and dance!

i’ll be alright now. my strength is coming back.

carole xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

16

Changing the front door lock can be a fairly good indicator that someone does not want you in the house anymore.
But, if he is that feckless, would he get the message?

Geoff

17

Hello Carole, Well done you for putting the house in your name only and you have proof that you pay the bills so he cannot claim anything from you. You are a very strong lady and I admire your gumption. I wish you luck with what ever you decide to do. Sending (((((HUGS)))))

Janet

x

18

So did you go for that dancing?

Keep a strong resolve, hun.

Remember, whatever doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger!

luv Pollx

19

Hi, apart from the credit card bills at the end of the month, they can hurt! :wink:

On a serious note, always remember he is the wrong person in your relationship. I have been that person at times but it took my MS to realise that I need the support of my family and someone to talk to. Sounds like your sons have their collective heads screwed on properly. Have you talked to them? They may know more than you think. My 16yr old son did!

20

Hi

A few years ago my stepdaughter came to me because she was having problems with the bloke she lived with, mainly drink and money.

She a young professional he had a string of good jobs but never for long.

He spent a lot of time and money in the pub and lots of other things like how shabby she had become.

To cut a long story short my advice was she knew what she had to do, in a way she was seeking approval.

I wanted to tell her to DUMP THE RATBAG but I didn’t want to interfere and that me and her mother would suport her whatever she decided.

She did dump him and now about 8 years later she has 2 loverly kids, a partner and they have just moved into a semi in a nice area.

You are not weak.

He is draining you.

You have enough to deal with with the MS and I will have to say it he is a disgrace, not all men are like him.

Whatever you decide you will get through it.

Know what you mean about feeling too poorly it gets me some times.

Have you any close relatives, friends or a social / support worker who can help.

You have taken the first step and you know in your heart what is best for you and the kids.

You are strong the very fact that you have poured you heart out on here.

All the best for the future.

Ronin