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Is it fair to start a relationship

Is it fair to start a relationship with someone when you know you have ms At the moment I’m still walking but I get sore a lot and it’s not part of a relapse so looks like it’s here to stay If you alone then you don’t have to worry about hiding how your feeling I read on hear about people having problems when mobility becomes a serious problem. So is it better to save the heartache of changing another’s life because of your illness

Anon

If you love someone it does it matter …you love the person

Graham

What do they think - the other person?

Yes, personally, I think it would be wrong to get involved without disclosing - and I’d feel uncomfortable doing that.

But if you’ve been open and honest about your health, and they’re still interested? I’ve recently been toying with the same sort of question - someone here pointed out that you can’t make the other person’s decision for them. All you can do is put your cards on the table - if they’re OK with it, why should you override them?

I am a bit concerned, though, that you think being in a relationship would mean having to hide how you’re feeling. Surely, the whole point of being in a relationship with someone is you should be able to be honest about things like that?

Or is it me being selfish or naive here, and everyone else thinks hiding feelings from your partner is the noble thing to do, because they’re not going to want to hear your cr*p?

I realise nobody’s going to want a continuous running commentary about everything that’s wrong with you, but surely, there’s such a thing as a happy medium - you can be honest without harping on?

I don’t think seeing it as a duty to hide how you feel is a very strong basis for a relationship, if I’m honest. If you’re having to pretend with them, what’s the point?

Tina

Hi Thanks for the replies my ex was very selfish and didn’t care much. For example we were at an important event I had to go to my bed as I was quite ill (not ms) my parents checked on me as I’d been really sick earlier they didn’t tell till after we split that at 5 in the morning my parents had to say to him do you not think you should maybe check on your wife (we were new married at the time) and he said why do I end up with people that’s ill. I did eventually recover but u weren’t allowed to be ill. When we had our first child, it was a quick labour (but still very sore) and he asked the midwife is tHat it. And when we had our second child they ended up in hospital for a week when we got told we could go home, when I phoned he said tell them you’ll have to stay for Another 3-4 hours as I’m busy working just now (he was straight back to work) I couldn’t discuss fears/worries with him. So I suppose maybe I was hurt, it’s been a tough year with ms. And I worry about the future but keep that feelings to myself. I think I put up a barrier during my marriage as he wasn’t interested in ever making me feel better. Or being there for me. Find it hard to get my head round that people can care and illness doesn’t matter to an extent.

You could be a secret agent after all em, I didn’t guess it was you this time lol. You are so lucky to be rid of that ex husband. The next man in your life will hopefully be much more loving and supportive. Don’t forget, the person you finally meet…because your lovely your bound to :slight_smile: they could get ill too. You wouldn’t leave them would you? Noreen x

Sorry!! By the time I posted, it went anon :frowning:

My husband has been great since my diagnosis, he is the one person that I always tell how I am feeling. I wouldn’t want to face this alone and I think the only think that has changed with us is he worries more but also helps more! :slight_smile:

I think as long as you are upfront about it a new relationship can be wonderful, at least your prospective partner will have a choice about whether to continue, mine didn’t and just has to man up.

hiya anon

i think you are trying to do the thinking/assuming for the ‘potential’ partner. thats impossible so dont bother! they can make their own decisions!

i have had ms 9 yrs now. had a 2 yr relationship with someone on here-it was never going to work cos we had totally different ideas of what a relationship meant. we parted-on amicable terms. i had a huge life changing relapse 2 years ago-within hrs i went from driving, volunteering, aerobics etcetc to using a powerchair, doubly incontinent and carers in twice weekly. just 6 months previously i had met a fab guy-yes it crossed my mind he wouldnt be interested any more but he was here 2 days ago we have now been 'dating for over 2 1/2 yrs!

may i gently suggest its ur self esteem thats low-which i totally understand! but theres more to you than the carcass u r in-your mind and personality etc are whats important! you still have feelings and desires so fulfill them. you may need to adapt them but they deserve to be met.

take care, ellie

I met my fiance at my old job as a falk lift truck driver i had to leave as i relapsed and found myself unable to return. Ive had 4 bad ones whilst being with her and shes stuck by me and at first i was the same i felt i was a burden. She sat me down and said she fell in love with me how i am and has stuck by me with every decision ive had to make. She is now pregnant to my baby. If they live you they will walk by you and not walk away from you. Good luck either way

If they love you for you* correction

Well, I was exactly the same as yourself. I thought I had nothing to offer and sort of hid myself away for 10 years. I had been in a relationship with someone for a couple of years when I started going downhill and just terminated it. She was 18 years younger than me and I thought I was doing the right thing for her. As she said, and quite rightly, that was her decision and that I was being selfish. You know what, she was right. I was so wrapped up in myself I didn’t look at it from her perspective. Anyway, 10 years down the line I have taken the plunge, joined a dating site and am having great fun. I am upfront about my problems and how much worse they can get. Thing is others worry about it less than I ever did. To cut a short story long, as they say, I have met someone who doesn’t give a toss about the MS and is more interested in what I can do than what I can’t. I suppose I am saying don’t sell yourself short, you probably have a lot more to offer than you think. Gary

Your previous partner’s attitude casts light on why you might now feel you’ve got to hide things. But not everyone’s like him; if the relationship’s good, you shouldn’t be feeling discussion of your illness is off-limits. A caring partner will hope you’ll confide in him when something’s wrong - not try to hide it.

I know it’s hard, because MS isn’t going to go away, and nobody is going to want continuous bulletins about every symptom and every little change. But I’m sure a caring partner would want to know about things that are seriously upsetting or worrying you.

Look at it the other way round: if your partner was ill, or had another serious worry, wouldn’t you hope he’d be able to open up to you, and not try to hide it?

Tina

x

I got DX last year and I was kinda seeing someone at the time, when I told him he didn’t seem interested & he certainly didn’t understand nor did he try to understand. I so wanted to talk to him about it, but because I never thought he was interested I held back (more than stuff about my ms) Anyway turns out he was a cheating so & so (didn’t want to swear)

I wonder what I would do when I start seeing some new, and I guess if it feels right then tell them if it doesn’t then maybe that person isn’t for you. You should be able to tell someone you love anything, for me the hard part is finding that someone

:slight_smile:

Thanks everyone for your replies. I agree Ellie prob is my self esteem. He didn’t do much for it. We were on holiday I put on shorts and he said ur not wearing them are you they do nothing for you. I said I was upset and he said wasmt being cruel just stating the truth. I spent the rest of the holiday sweltering in jeans. He would say why do people think ur great, ur nothing really. I had haie that was a different colour naturally and people used to ask about it a lot and was the same criticism every time. But think it came from his family, one Christmas dinner someone got the scales out And thought the ‘females’ should weigh themselves. I was disgusted. I was a 12 at the time but new is be heavier as I’d a lot of muscle at the time so I refused. And rheh just went on about weight etc. I’ve a guy keeps asking me out on a date. He wants to go on a date away from here (lot of nosey people) go for a picnic and a short walk. The problem is he’s too ‘nice’ why do I like bad boys. Not so much bad power, arrogance are so appealing but I know with ms it’s not a good idea It’s ok Noreen lol, maybe I’ll become James Bond for a day yet. X

The guy I was talking about was a bad guy & I hate that I still think about him & stupidly still care and I havent seen him for over 8 months. I think its more about wanting something you can’t have or know you shouldn’t have.

Give this nice lad a go, he might be just what you need. A friend of mine told me you should either be with someone to have fun with or you see a good future with that person. Why don’t you let him treat you right & bring the fun back into your life. When you feel comfortable with him & trust him tell him then. Don’t let the ms hold you back, life is too short :slight_smile:

Yeah I know. Just need the separation agreement sorted and I’ve the kids to think of. My ex has been so inconsiderate the last year it has made it easier to think of him with distaste. I dated my first bf for 3 1/2 yrs finished with him cause he was too nice. Ironically he messaged me when I was in hospital as I met his family as his grandma was Ill and they visited me. But my ex family didn’t text or ask if the kids were ok. And when a mutual friend asked how I was in the pub while mum watched his kids he said how would I know we’re not together x

Sorry, but if this new guy is the same guy we’ve been talking about throughout, he’s still creeping me out. :frowning:

Why does he want to remove you from the area and go somewhere quiet and alone, on a first date?

I know you say know him - up to a point - but only really to say hello to, and a quick chat. That’s not really knowing him at all. Don’t go anywhere alone with anyone on a first date. I’m sorry if I’m sounding paranoid, but he has seemed manipulative to me from the start - albeit the style of manipulation is gifts and favours, to make you feel you owe him something.

You are both free and single, as far as I can tell, so what’s the problem with being seen together, if neither of you is doing anything wrong? It’s a first date, not a secret elopement - I don’t get why it would matter if someone you knew saw you having lunch together. I’m not saying he’s a rapist or a murderer, but a favourite trick of manipulators is to try to separate you off from people you know (OR who might know a bit too much about him) and try to create a private universe - just you and him. If he’s genuine and above board, why wouldn’t he be delighted for the whole world to see you together, instead of worrying about “nosy people”?

I think a first date should be quite relaxed and low key - and in a public place. Nobody loses face if it doesn’t come to anything, because you haven’t set the stage for an intense one-to-one encounter. I think you should date at least a couple of times in public, before you decide whether this is someone you would like to spend time alone with. If he drives you out in the country with a picnic, there’s no easy exit for you, if you realise you’ve made a mistake. You can’t make your excuses and leave.

As for the ex - yup, does sound very controlling and potentially abusive. You know what? I bet trying to tell you you look bad in shorts was because you looked too good in them! He was insecure, and didn’t want other men looking! Obviously also thought he should come down hard on any idea you might have that you’re attractive, otherwise you might realise you could do better than him.

Anyway, just be careful about new guy. “Too nice” can be a danger sign, just as much as arrogance. Beware someone who’s too gushy and romantic, without really knowing you. If it doesn’t turn out to be mutual, you may find there’s another side to the coin.

Tina

x

Is it fair to start a relationship? My husband passed 3 years ago. We had been married for 42 years and did everything together. He had a heart attack so it was very sudden and unexpected. I had been dxd 18 years earlier. I walk with a limp and have balance problems, also chronic fatigue. I felt I needed someone - I felt very lonely even with a lovely caring family (I have 3 children, 7 grandchildren, plus both my parents are alive and active). So I joined a national dating agency (advertised on Facebook ) and was very very lucky to meet someone, widowed after 39 years, 2 children, same age as me living 4 miles away. On the first day we met he asked about my limp and I told him I had ms. He just accepted it. He even took me to physio 20 miles away the very next day. Should I have just sat back and not looked for anyone else? life is full of uncertainties, and is what you make it. Enjoy while you can. We have been together 9 months now, engaged at Christmas when we visited my daughter in Canada. Never a day apart. It was meant to be. So there are still men who care out there. I hope you find someone who cares for you too. I have got progressively worse since we met. But I know he enjoys just being with me, for me as a person. Ms doesn’t matter to him it is part of me. I hope you find someone - and don’t hold back because of ms. You have to be fair to yourself as well as someone else who would love you for you. Good luck Jackie x

Sounds great Jackie, glad you found someone who loves you and cares for you. Hi tina, he has asked me to the pub here where we stay. I just told him no way do I want to be seen out on a date here. , i wouldn’t want to go on a date somewhere private either Incase it’s awkward or as you say dangerous . But I think he was coming up with a solution to me being very private. I do kind of know him, I’m friends with his first cousin who lives just up from me and his auntie, just next to my parents. It it is a small place lol and know lots of his friends not closely but he’s the same age as ex. Potentially dating is scary been a long time And met ex putting in my mums heating, lol Maybe it’s because I hate ms so much that I can’t imagine who someone else would be interested in me with it. You wouldn’t know if ms to look at me but I know the daily struggle and how it impacts. I was so excited for the future maybe ms is a blessing in disguise as I probably wouldn’t have left had it been before. I don’t think ex realised how bad the things he said were. But the men in his family are all the same. He wanted a house wife and Apparantly I failed miserably at that which my house wasn’t perfect all the time but my kids were always the priority. I’m actually tidier since I got ms as I can’t do the mammoth cleaning sessions. X

Is it fair to start a relationship? Absolutely yes!

As some people have mentioned, if all the cards are on the table, then the choice effectively is with the other person, although do make sure it’s not their way of getting behind your defences - yes, there are some stereotypical men out there, out for one thing.

My now fiancee, was diagnosed beginning of this year. We had been together for 2 1/2 years before her diagnosis, and I was already planning on how to propose before MS rudely intruded into our lives.

MS doesn’t define her. It isn’t who she is. It may well be an increasingly big part of her life as it progresses over the years, however, I knew the second she was diagnosed, that this was something we faced together.

You can’t help who you fall in love with, just as much as you can’t help MS barging into your life. Everyone is entitled to happiness, love, and companionship, and whether you have MS or not, should not influence that - everyone has their imperfections (i don’t mean that to sound at all harsh!!).

I guess some people can handle the - what may happen, and some people can’t handle the uncertainty! Personally, I will be there for my fiancee (wife next May), whether she’s completely free from symptoms or wheelchair bound, it makes no odds to me, it’s her who I love.

If you meet someone who is willing to understand what MS is, how it effects you individually, and there are ups and downs with it - then you absolutely deserve to have a relationship! :slight_smile: As always when walking the “love” tightrope, give it the respect it deserves, and make sure someone isn’t taking you for a ride!

Good luck!