I am newly diagnosed, aged 30 and I have a child from a previous relationship.
I always thought I would get married and have more children in time. I was in a serious relationship last year but sadly, the diagnosis pretty much put the nail in the coffin.
I have been thinking about dating again and while I still want to have more children and get married, I also can’t help but feel like maybe I should just stay on my own.
My daughter is 10 now and will be well grown (hopefully) before the MS can take hold. I can’t help but feel it would be unfair of me to subject another person to becoming my carer. Yes, if they love me, they’ll do it. But seeing as I’m single, should I not just accept it as my lot and stay on my own?
I know carers and while they do what they do amazingly well it is done very much out of love for the other person. I can’t help but feel that because I am diagnosed and single that perhaps I should give up on the idea of meeting someone, for their sake moreso than anything else.
I mean no offence and I hope nobody will take it the wrong way. It’s just something I’ve had to give a lot of thought to recently.
Firstly, plz don’t write yourself off because of your diagnosis!
you are still the same person you were before you had the diagnosis and are no less of a person than you were before. Everyone deserves to be happy and have loads to offer any future partner.
Can i suggest that maybe before you let someone back into your life tho hun, that maybe you pick your confidence back up and your self esteem. this way, you will be more able to suss out the genuine guys fdrom the pratts as it were?
HTH anyway, you wanna chat I on here and there sometmes so feel free hun,
You have every right to the same life as everyone else and that includes love, marriage and more children if you want them! MS is not a death sentence. OK we all get bad patches and some struggle more than others, but many people with MS live relatively normal lives, working and living. You may not need a carer for many, many years. Do you really want to be alone for all that time? There are times you will need help, but it doesn’t necessarily have to come from family, although in my experience, they often want to help! Don’t write yourself off!
Don’t put yourself down hun…And like many said you may not need a carer for a long time. Plus with research into meds things may change too. In regards to children thats a personal decision and you’ll make the right one for you. Personally I’m sticking with the one but for me thats because I don’t have an overwhelming desire to have another and also I’d rather not risk the chance of deterioration which obviously doesn’t always happen but id rather be aswell as I can be for my three year old. Before it affected my walking recently I may have considered it. I work in social services, and carers do it out of love. I’ve also come across people with m s who are carers as their loved one has also suffered poor health after their diagnosis. At the end of the day no one knows what lies ahead but life is for living albeit sometimes differently to how we envisaged but it is possible to try and make the best of a bad situation so to speak. I meet people with this frame of mind a lot. Its hard to keep positive at times as we all know but please don’t right yourself off. There could be a nice chap just waiting for you to spot him. Please keep that chin up. Love Lisa x x x
It’s not that I don’t think I deserve the same as everyone else or anything. It’s just that I would feel very bad about putting someone in a role of carer if I’m honest. It’s one thing where the relationship is there and the illness then occurs…but another thing entirely when the illness is there before the relationship.
I do think I could meet someone who would love me but I can’t help but feel it might be unfair of me to develop a relationship knowing what is ahead. Someone might not realise the impact of the MS. Looking at me now, as a healthy independent 30 year old, it’s easy for a person to say “it’ll be ok”. But in 20 years time if they’re carrying me to the toilet or lifting me out of bed…maybe they would think otherwise.
I suppose in my family, I’ve seen what being a carer can do to a person and I do not want that for my daughter. I’m determined she won’t end up looking after me. But the same thought should probably apply to any future spouse.
I’m not against dating again but I’m thinking that maybe I’ll date but not get into a serious relationship again. I just feel like the first few decades might be ok, but will the bad times be worth the good? For them obviously, not for me.
Hi again. I think you could be over-thinking on this. No-one knows how MS will go 20 years down the line.
As you are doing well now, that could and hopefully will, continue for many more years.
So it is more likely that you will be in a good relationship well before you need a carer. So if the lucky fella loves you and does do some caring, then he wont mind at all.
Sorry if my initial comments about trying not to let a spouse become a carer, has upset or offended anyone.
It’s just dating! You are NOT committing to marry someone on a date, neither are they pledging to be your carer.
If you’re meant for each other, and things become serious, then no doubt these things will have a way of sorting themselves out (just like any other relationship challenge).
But I don’t think it means you can’t have dinner with someone, just in case they might someday have to care for you. If they’re “The One”, then presumably in time, it will become clear they’re OK with that possibility. If they’re not “The One”, then it was just dinner - nobody has lost face, just by going on a date that didn’t lead to marriage and children. Most don’t. One might.
If you didn’t have MS and were with someone and when you both got older and struggled to do things, the more able partner surley helps the less able. It’s all part and parcel of the partnership you enter into - In sickness and health…etc
So having MS doesn’t make it anymore of an issue than it does for non-msers (IMO)
I do understand not wanting your daughter to be your carer, but then is that not even more of a reason to find someone you love and trust to be there when and if times are harder? Don’t worry too much about the unforseen and worry about today!
if you look at it another way…if you start dating and people know you’ve got ms, they can step into the relationship with their eyes open…unlike my husband for example, who married me without ms and now that i have it, he is stuck with me - poor bugger! xxx
Dont give up hope my partner knew I had MS when we got together 10yrs ago and we’ve now been married 2yrs. He just wishes he could do more for me. There’s someone out there for everyone, it’s just a matter of finding the right one. xx
If I met someone I would tell them about the MS after a few dates, when it became clear I wanted to get to know them better, and if they were okay with it then I would let things take their natural course - no different to my pre MS days. All relationships face challenges; MS is just another one. Nobody ever knows what is around the corner. I don’t see any difference between an MSer dating and a non-MSer dating, we are all valuable people with much to offer.
For instance, if you had a crystal ball and you knew you were going to meet your soul-mate tomorrow but you also knew that in 10 years’ time he was going to develop a serious illness and need your help and care for the rest of his life, would you be still want to meet him? Well, there are men that are capable of the same commitment and level of love.
Get out there, meet some fellas and have some fun. Maybe you’ll find the right one. If not, you’ll probably have some good stories to share with your friends
I couldn’t agree more with everyone’s comments- you don’t know what the future will bring, though I admit it might be nice to know sometimes! And as someone said, he might end up getting ill and needing a carer too (though I don’t wish it on him or you!). Treatments are getting better all the time and you may never need formal care, so why deny yourself some fun?
I’ve been with my fiance now for 5 years and was up front about my MS and it hasn’t been an issue.
Don’t put off now against what may never happen in the future.
Yeah, I probably am overthinking it.
I suppose I’m a bit frightened because even though I’m on DMDs since December, I just keep getting relapse after relapse. If it keeps going at this rate, I’ll be needing a carer far sooner than I thought (hoped).
Ah, I’ve just been a bit low about everything I guess. The future is a daunting prospect. I was chatting to a friend about it at the weekend and she said something she tries to live by is “if you’re sad then you’re living in the past, if you’re anxious then you’re living in the future and if you’re content then you’re living in the present”
She’s right. I’ve been very anxious because I’m a bit of a control freak and the lack of being able to plan is scary.
The DMDs can take a while to get in your system especially if you started on the low dose at first. Give it a bit more time yet before you write yourself off. Lots of us had a really tough time in the first year and then things calmed down quite a bit. In the meantime, start finding things to enjoy as a positive attitude can really make a difference too. And, I know that is easier said than done, so start with little things that make you smile and work at it.
