I guess its comin to n end now... (Sensitive n Sexual content)

Everyday living
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Dear Fellow MS’ers

Well, I really thought I was ‘ready’ and ‘prepared’ for this part of the MS cruel ‘Journey’ :frowning: but I obviously am not :frowning:

I thought,after reading on forums etc and also seeing it up close in ‘real life’ that I was ready when I realised that me and my hubby’s relationship was changing, in the bedroom so to speak. I have seen many couples when the MS has ‘robbed’, ‘taken’, ‘stolen’ the ‘sexual intimacy’ and I had a long think about how I might ‘deal with it’, when it hppens. Because I knew it would happen,

Anyway, at first I knew that usually; the partner that does not have MS; would still need that kind of intimacy/sex in their life. Even if they didn’t want it with their partners anymore. When after all the help they give as ‘carers’ ; they just dont fancy their partners with the MS anymore. They feel more of a ‘carer than lover’ now because of it :frowning:

The cruel ‘kick in the face’ to this? They still love their partner with the MS to bits… its just, well like I said above :frowning:

Anyway- after a load of thinking / soul searching at first I really thought that I couldn’t bare for anybody else apart from me to have that ‘intimacy’ with my OH. Especially, as I still want him like that still… and I still very much want him to want me like that and think of me like that too…

I soon realised though, that maybe in this respect I would have to ‘let them go’ and find that kind of ‘comfort’ with somebody else now. As it is proper selifish and spiteful of me to deny him that, because of my feelings of ‘Jealousy’ .

So i thought I had come to a conclusion and acceptence of being ready for this ‘scenario’ - Me n my hubby would stay together as a ouple, we both still love each other to bits and are the greatest friends. But I will accept that he would ‘have a girlfriend’. I thought that if he didn’t show me when and where and with whom he was sepding time with; well, that I would be alright with it somehow…

This way, I would take some comfort in the way that; I wouldn’t be ‘stealing’ a very important part of life away from him. I really believe that it will be horribly selifish n spitetul of me to ‘deny’ him this part of life… I was so very wrong in thinking that I can go through with this and now realise that maybe we have come to the ‘end of the road/relationship’ .

Sorry for the long post and the ‘rambling on’ and I really hope that this post makes some kind of sense. Because I really need everyones help - I need to know what can I do now? Where do we go from here now?

Please help?

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Hello sweetheart.

In your post I dont think ive read how your hubby actually feels about this. No, Ive re-read it and cant see anything about it.

How long have you had MS?

You know it isnt automatic that the spouse who doesnt have MS will naturally have a need to find sexual gratification elsewhere, if their partner cant give it anymore.

There are many people here who have long term relationships who may come forward to give you their take on the subject.

I rarely join in on this subject, but feel I should now.

Ive had MS 22 years. It hit both me and my hubby very hard...as Im sure it does for everyone.

My progression was fast and hard hitting.

My hubby did lose all feelings for that side of our marriage…especially when I has the SPC fitted.

I asked him about it and he told me…I had to accept it…even though I miss the closeness very much.

It`s robbed us of so many things…including a physical relationship.

But I know for a fact that he hasnt and wont ever look for it elsewhere. He told me so and I believe him.

So although we lost it, we havent lost our love for each other. Well continue on the journey together. Weve been together 50 years!

If you and your man havent had the conversation…then please do.

Boudsx

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Hello

You’ve clearly thought long and hard about this issue. But as Boudica says, have you had a frank and open conversation with your husband about how he feels?

If the two of you have had a good and close sexual relationship for years, I can’t see why a man (or a woman) would want to shelve his or her love for their partner in order for sex with someone else.

I don’t know about you, but sex isn’t just mechanical for me, it’s about love, security, safety, warmth as well as sexual release. It’s an emotional relationship, not just sexual.

I no longer have a sexual relationship with my husband. I’ve likened it to his having sex with a ‘blow up doll’, by the time he’s arranged me in the right position, got himself in the right ‘state’ for sex, and actually got somewhere close to actual penetration, I wouldn’t be able to feel it and I wouldn’t be able to actually ‘do’ anything proactive. But he doesn’t want sex with anyone else. He still loves me and for him as well as me, sex is about more than just the physical.

If your husband wants a sexual relationship with someone else, and believes this wouldn’t affect your emotional relationship, he’s living in a land of denial. He’s forgetting that there would be another party involved in this arrangement, ie. the ‘girlfriend’. What if she wants more than just a shag? Many (most maybe?) women feel that sex is part of an emotional relationship, not the be all and end all. So she perhaps would feel a bit ‘used’? Or maybe he would end up leaving you for the girlfriend. He could argue that you were OK when it was just about sex, but that isn’t really fair on the third person in this triangle.

You didn’t choose to have MS. Neither did he choose it. But right now is the time when the two of you need to have that discussion, can he really have a sexual relationship with another woman with no emotional attachment? Can she (the unknown woman) equally have the same? Can you cope with the man you love giving his time, feelings and body to another woman?

I don’t think it’s selfish of you to say no, you can’t do it. But if he really wants to risk your marriage on sex with someone else, then he’ll do it if he wants to.

I truly hope the two of you can come to a realistic agreement about this. But you need to be talking to each other about it, not just us.

Sue

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Hello Bouds,

Thank you for getting back to me…

I have had MS for 12-15 yrs now and up until now, my progression has been ‘plodding along’.

My OH and I, well; this is all we have been talking about for a while now. As far as my OH is concerned - like your OH, he doesn’t want to hear about being with somebody else apart from me… He says that he just can’t bare the thought of being with someone else like that and would feel like he was 'cheating ’ on me and that he would feel like it was a real ‘slap’ in my face…

We have been together so far for 20+ yrs.

He has said to me though, that he doesn’t ‘fancy’ me when I need to wear the ‘Adult Nappies’, he doesn’t find me ‘sexy’ in them. I can totally understand this as I really don’t feel attractive myself when I have to use them too… So you see Bouds, I really don’t blame him either tbf…

Its ‘Heartbreaking!’ . As we love each other very much and are best friends and we have a giggle everyday, even through all this cr*p.

but I can’t watch him leave his life just with and die in that respect. I guess I am just trying to find some sort of ‘medium’ here.

He is a very good man and does everything he possible can for me. I still have ‘feelings’ like that in my body atm. I am very lucky like that, I know. However, it feels like some’ sick and cruel’ joke’ :frowning:

:frowning: :frowning:

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Hello Sue,

your very right about the points that you raised.

I have also thought about the ‘emotional’ side of all of this too but am at a loss as to what to do. I am terrified about the fact that they could ‘fall in love’ with each other and therefore want a full life with each other… I don’t really have an answer for this yet …

I think I have ‘conveyed’ this slightly wrong though. As far as my hubby is concerned- this is not actually his idea and he has not brought this up with me. I brought the ‘idea’ up with him. but it is an ‘idea’ that we now discuss because I tend to bring it up these days…

I just do not want my illness, taking things away from his life. afterall, life is for living and we need to do everything we can while we can, while we’re here…

Does this make any sense now?

Sorry, I

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Anon, you sound almost as if you are pushing him into having an extra marital.

Please stop this as you dont need to put yourself through it. He has given you his feeligs about it.

And no, we dont look at all sexy in our nappies, with catheters hanging out!

Can I give you another tip? Ann Summers.

Boudsx

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Anon - is your main concern/worry the possibility that your husband may leave you because of your m.s.

By giving him ‘permission’ to have a girlfriend is the quid pro quo that he stays with you?

I think you are wrong to think that your husband can have an emotional relationship with two women and everyone in the menage will be happy - and you’ll probable end up the loser.

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Would you have sex with another man or leave your husband if it was the other way around?

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hi anon

I feel the same as you.

My other half has a high libido and was always a generous lover, in fact the only tiny bit of my sexuality is when I remember those times.

we really love each other but not “fully”.

MS robbed me of my work, my ability to do much at all and my sex life.

both of us hate MS for these reasons.

so if you need to be angry make sure it is aimed at the culprit MonSter.

Carole x

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I wasn’t trying to be funny, it’s just I think you need to look at things from all angles before making any decisions.

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Never

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I never took your reply as being ‘funny’ in any way; so pls don’t worry… Its a very valid point and it got me thinking about the - ‘what would I do?’ in all of this… So ty

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I am glad it made you think, my partner and I are at the same stage in our relationship, I do not have much sensation in my lady area but my mind still works to help me have orgasms and unfortunately partner suffers with diabetes so has erectile issues, we love each other completely and are both satisfied with just living our life together. I do hope that you both can make the right decision for you both, please think things through, take care luv xxx

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Hi All,

I just want to commend you all for this topic. Firstly in the topic being raised. Secondly in the honest answers. A very tricky subject handled sensitively by all.

My thoughts? Are you expecting your Husband to want to do this? So trying to push him towards it? Then if/when it happens you have a self fulfilling prophecy and can think told you so.

Please, please stop acting/feeling like this. Your Husband has explained his views.

Be happy together. Even without sex you two have so much together. Sex should not/does not cement a relationship. Treasure that as so many don’t find that in their lifetime.

Anne x

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Me and my husband had a good sex life but it all came to an end about 10 yr ago, and as tough as it was at first, like everything else that’s come along we got used to it.He had his issues, and i started being quite ill with MS, and it sort of got less and less until it became our new normal.I was always the one that wanted it more than him in earlier days.When you still have an active sex life you can not imagine not having one, but we soon got used to it.

1 Like