Jacq, my thoughts, for what they’re worth…
It isn’t just YOU who has MS. You BOTH have ms. It affects both of you either directly or indirectly. It may be that one of you gets offered help/medication/sympathy/understanding, the other doesn’t. “What about me?!”
I suppose it’s unlikely he would go, but have you actually asked him to attend the ms meetings with you? Just because you’d like him to be there with you. You don’t need to add that he might gleem some useful insight into what people actually endure. Don’t take offence if he refuses.
It’s possible he is actually very frightened of what lies in front, for both of you. I know sometimes I get very afraid of my progression, and then the monkey chatter starts in my head. It can be hard to silence it. I can no longer drive so have become dependant on my husband to take me everywhere. He gets to have the final say as to where and what time we leave to get there etc. I hate that and really miss the “old me”, who was strong, independent, impulsive and spontaneous. C’est la vie.
If you could possibly find a way to afford a mini break away so that you’re on neutral ground. If a sunshine break is out of the question, maybe a couple of nights in a small hotel? Different surroundings and without any expectations, it could give you both an opportunity to talk openly about how you are both feeling. The resentment, the anger, the guilt, the sadness, the hopelessness, the fear, . They are probably all emotions you and/or he are feeling at some stage. As for the ultimatum, “you’ll have to find a way to change or…”, how about turning the tables and telling him you’ve given that some thought and (very calmly) come out with something along the lines of…
"You obviously are not happy in the relationship anymore. It isn’t just me that isn’t the way I used to be. You have changed too. Where is the man I fell in love with gone? He used to listen/understand/talk (or whatever fits). I miss him and don’t know who you are any more. If you feel there is a better option,then maybe you should take that opportunity and go, because as much as I’d LOVE to be the active person I used to be, to go back to normal, “how things used to be”, that’s not going to happen. This IS the New Normal.
Finally Jacq, and you might not like this, we cannot blame ms for everything. Sometimes a relationship, reaches a natural conclusion. It just dies. Through nobody’s fault, it just comes to a close. There doesn’t have to be a third party, illness, debt, whatever, just that the flame has died and the embers have all burnt out. If things were to appear that way, then you are going to have to muster what strength you can, and concentrate on how you, and your teenage daughter, will manage. Because if your partner should decide to leave, you WILL manage! It’s called Self Preservation. Every person who has found themselves in a newly solo situation, does manage, and probably goes on to find an inner strength they’d long forgotten and a new happiness they never imagined might be possible.
I wish you all the best. x