Grrrr!!! A rant? I can even think to type.
Normally I’m a positive guy. I never used to let anything bother me. Now i seem to get myself in a mess about nothing.(Which leads to stress-then head pains-and other symptoms flare). That only took 10 mins to write a sentence.
Anyways I’m just “having a moment” and “it will pass soon”. I’m just bored of having Ms, Sick of having to fight myself in the morning. Telling myself “your good, your ready for the day”. I know people without MS suffer from this too, but add the constant tingling pain in your feet and legs knowing it’s going to feel even worse the moment you add hot water from the shower. Aswel as the confusion of trying to remember look at the Calander and plan the day whilst getting a knife slowly pushed into brain in different spots. Thankful those head pains only last between 2-20 seconds, however generally have a constant headache as well. But remember Ben “breakfast, eat healthy and you’ll be ok” so let open the cupboard and get a bowl. SMASH!!! That’s right. this right hands not awake yet. (if its not a bowl it’s the milk or cereal or kettle that one hurt). Eat that. Let find some clothes. Now you would normally go into your closet and pick some you thing looks nice. However I need to look at the weather is it going to be hot as I get dizzy with heat or is it colder than it looks cos I also feel the chill. Let’s lay some clothes out.
But still “let’s get ready” for people without Ms. Think how you feel getting woken up early after a “top banging night”. That’s the energy level I’m working with (as well as above). So let’s get the evil out. As I sit on the loo think of all things i can do that I should be great full for. “Can do attitude” I’m not deaf, i have all my limbs. Whilst sitting there thinking my legs have now got serious pins and needles, but add to trying to balance makes 5 steps feel like 5000. So get off the bog is abit harder. But once up and wiped I can sit down again and wait for the shower to heat up. I stick my hand in as you do to feel the temperature “feels fine”, and slowly step in trying not to slip. And there’s that pain in my feet I was waiting for with the water. As I dip my head in I realise “f*£k me !!! That’s hot Ben” I burn my head and shoulders fall out the shower bouncing of the door. And Yes yet other knife pieces my brain ouch. However lesson learned just need to remember it. So after washing myself at least twice or three times (I always forget, so best to be sue) I heat up in the shower. I’m not good with heat so I get dizzy. I get out and make my way to the window trying to cool down, I bush my teeth look in the mirror and tell myself again "your ok your ready for the day.
Now I feel like that was a half marathon. But now I need to walk my dog what feels like the other half. Luckily she’s very well behave and will pull me to help out. Now this is my favourite part of the day. Yes my feet are still in pain and yes some day I have to stop every 50 m for a rest. And it rains but the dogs happy. And I can go to the shop on my travels. So half an hour later I get to the shop that takes my friend 5-10 mins. Have I wrote a list? “No I forgot”. So let’s sit outside the shop for a few minutes and try to think… Ouch!!! Milk, Ouch don’t need sugar. That will do can’t be taking this knife in my brain right now, lets go in and see what we see. Emm THINGS!!! Right now I feel overwhelmed. And now my legs decide not help pick up my feet. Right army training needed now in and out “let’s do this”. I get the sugar. And get to the til. Right concentrate on what’s she saying (or just smile at her and give her your £10 note in your pocket and hope for correct change). Where’s that £10 quick search, look a fool, hold up th que. then have a vision of it being on the side. Brilliant. Well let’s get these sore feet home, but not before we bump into someone that asks a simple question about the dog. I look at them blankly as I missed the question. They slowly repeat the question. I still look blankly at them I blankly, I’ve definitely heard them but as another knife slowly stabs my brain I can think of what they’ve said or any words to answer. “Do…You…Speak…english?” they ask in a patronising way. Right now I’m thinking I was in the army, I would of knock your head off for a comment like this.But I’ve no energy to answer yet throw a punch. So I just walk off and “smile”.
Arriving home I am “cream crackered” But looking around the house it need tidying (Yes!) I go in the kitchen to find that £10 note on the side mocking me. Time to wash the pots, Hot water, is it? Think so. Pick up a plate and drop it in the wash bowl (now your nice and wet, well done). Oh well by the end I need to get changed again and mop the floor. Walk into the front room a see “that cup” always forget one. So now my balance is well shot and legs are in much pain but luckily I can use the Hoover to prop myself up on. I Brace myself for that instant brain pain that happen when the Hoover sounds. OUCH!!! “Take a breath your ok”. I live in a small flat so doesn’t take to long. Pick up my washing to put in the machine only to find I forgot to take the last load out so have to wash it again
Lunch time. Has tescos been? Open the fridge? Look inside? And? NO! So tea toast and fruit it is. That’s good cos I couldnt think to put a sandwich together. “It’s ok Ben, only half a day left”.
Passed out asleep no warning.
Woken by my feet burning feeling like someone’s put them in a oven at 250’/gas mark 9, quick stumble outside, bounce of that sofa, stagger into the door, off the wall, and I’m outside. Forgot to take my sock off tho. Try and sit on the step. Or even better fall down. Remove socks and finally feel the path is… Not cool. Ouch!!! To the bath!!! “Now pick yourself up and smile and wave to the neighbours. Show your ok Ben”. Right they’ve gone. Now climb up that step, fall into the door, bounce off the sofa and get on all fours. Less pain this way. Crawl to the bathroom. Pull myself up. Sit down put get in and COLD WATER ON. Ahhhhh! So I sit for 5 mins cooling my feet, thinking of the “can do attitude” a least I’m not blind I tell myself.
Now cooled I stumble to the front room to seeing the dog with her legs crossed. Time to take her to the back. Not far. For most. 20 odd steps. I ready myself and hopefully I’ll be ok. Off the step ok, good start. I stumble to the garden, and see all the gardening I want to do. Grass needs cutting. Flowers need planting (Not happening today). Back inside in my seat. This seat is where I spend most of my day. I eat lunch here I fell asleep here. I sometimes I feel like my whole world revolves around this point. I thought because I’m just sat here fighting head pains, fatigue, and tingles. I’d try to learn the guitar, something productive. Only I not only struggle with rhythm, I struggle to grip the pick, and forget what I’m playing. Yes it feels like like 1step forward 5 steps back. So I give up. My brain pain is to much trying to concentrate. I turn on the TV to see Jeremy Kyle. OFF!!! To late. Now I’m thinking I’m no better than some of the people on there. I take money off the tax payer. (“But it’s ok for you, you have a reason, your disabled”) that’s fine then is it? I don’t really give back to the community. (“You’ve not got the energy”). i can’t really go out without getting overwhelmed, anxious, and fatigued quickly. I’m not driving yet. (Don’t think I trust driving anyone).
With all of this it’s hard to believe a catch like me would be single. But yes I am. I was dating a old friend at the start of the year but, I blew it. I couldn’t handle the pressure and stress of a relationship (really wasn’t stressful)I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be around her. She was more than patient with me. I really loved her too. I did think I’d do anything for her. And when I couldn’t I got frustrated. Which lead to having “this attitude.” And I hated myself for feel like this when I was around her. I wanted to make each day amazing for her, but would struggle to get by the day myself, I’m gutted. She’s happy now and has a new fella. I’m not bitter I’m glad she found someone that will hopefully love her as much as I did. However I think I’d find it hard to find anyone that would love me. Who cold blame them right?
Well that’s it for me now taken all day to write. I’m not after sympathy please. Just glad I wrote down, how I feel.